Museings of a mad koala

Flock post number two (and more?)

2007-11-18T17:41:00.001-08:00

Here is a second post from flock, this one I think I'm going to try to post to multiple blogs. The previous one is hiding "here" http://jigme-datse-thoughts.blogspot.com/ . Not sure if I'll use that much at all. Well step one... Save post...

Blogged with Flock

Post on Live Journal

2007-07-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to point you to the latest post on LiveJournal. It's available at http://jrasku.livejournal.com/ or the currently latest post at http://jrasku.livejournal.com/14989.html

Jigme Datse

Lots going on...

2007-06-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a long time. A lot has been going on. Not even sure when I last posted....

It's not been since January. And I'm noticing that for whatever reason I'm getting display problems with some websites, including blogger/blogspot. I don't know why, it seems to be somewhat Mozilla related, but some of the display problems are such that different ones show up on different browsers. This really surprised me when I was looking at http://nelson.shambhala.org/ before it got fixed. I just loose letters for some reason on some of the posts.

Reason I'm posting? Because I have a serious net addiction. And what am I doing about it? I'm on the Internet telling you about it. You know, I'm just becoming aware of how serious it is. Right now the food stuff is pretty out of control, but the net stuff is way deeper, and I can engage for hours a day, the whole time going "I should be doing something else." And just realising just how much "out of my life" I am, when it comes to my computer usage.

I could certainly go on, but I won't. I want to get to bed, and I want to do closing chants and close my shrine before doing that. So I'll drag myself away from my drug of choice right now, and go do something that's very important to me, but never seems to get enough emphasis.

Jigme Datse

Golden Compas Daemon

2007-06-05T01:49:00.000-07:00

Here is the Golden Compass daemon that I've created for myself. If you feel like putting down what you think, go for it.

Jigme Datse

Live Journal...

2007-01-04T21:26:00.000-08:00

Hello... I've not made a large post here for a while. I have moved back to posting on LiveJournal. I have a paid account. This means that I can do things like polls, or just post regular entries with threaded comments. Just did a couple of posts today. That's unusual for me to post more than once in one day, but I had two things to post about, so there are two posts there. Take a look, or don't depending on how you're feeling. Take care everyone.

Jigme Datse

Update on LiveJournal...

2006-12-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

I did an update on LiveJournal, and well, I'm feeling too lazy to type in another update on here saying esentially the same thing (except no, "but why is my clock giving me the time in Moscow" or whatever it was that I said when I went to look at the date, but instead saw Moscow. So the link? http://jrasku.livejournal.com/12108.html or you can go to http://jrasku.livejournal.com/ and see my whole journal.

Jigme Datse

Shambhala Training Level II

2006-12-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

I did the Shambhala Training Level II this weekend. It was really good I tried to be vegetarian, but as usual if food is offered to me, I take it. It wasn't even very good. But I ate it, and I was already in a state of having over eaten. This is typical of me and my compulsive overeating. It's not *big*, but it doesn't have to be big all the time for there to be a really negative process. So, I did that. I over ate. I was aware I was overeating. I was aware I was going off my desire to be vegetarian that meal, but I went ahead and did it. I wanted to not do it. Still I did it. My dad knew I didn't want it, but he kept offering it to me. It was pretty rediculous actually.

After we ate, I went to the centre, and then pretty much spent my whole weekend there. I stayed with Margaret and Russ, and that was really nice. They have a really nice house, and they are great people. On Saturday I ate at the Thai restaraunt in Nelson on Victoria and Josephine, and well I realised that maybe I don't want to eat there any more.

Why would I want to not eat somewhere that the food and atmosphere is really good, and I really enjoy it? Is it because there are no vegetarian options? Nope, a great deal of vegetarian options. Portions too large? Not really, they are larger than I would like yes, but that's true just about anywhere I go. The real reason? The bathroom is grungy. It's dirty. If they don't keep the bathroom clean, how am I suposed to be confident that the food is actually prepared by food safe standards? I can't. While I haven't got sick eating there, I'm not sure that I want to continue going there. The bathroom smelled like someone had pissed on the floor, and it hadn't been cleaned up. But I had to go to the bathroom, so I went, and I enjoyed my meal. I may try again some time, but both times that I've gone the bathroom has been discusting. So, well the food is great, but it seems I need to go to the bathroom every time I go there, so well I actually expect to have the same experience next time I'm there.

Ah, what else? I think that's about it. Came home early this morning. Well left Nelson early this morning. Got here about 10:00. It took over 3 hours to get here. Not a huge deal. I enjoyed the trip back. But once I got to Rossland I just wanted to turn around and go back to Nelson. I don't want to live in Rossland. But I don't want to spend 2/3 of my income on housing.

Jigme Datse

Not sure what...

2006-11-23T23:09:00.000-08:00

I thought that I'd post as I haven't in a while. Not since like Monday or something. So a lot has gone on. Tuesday I went to Nelson for my appointment at the Chinese medicine school for my usual weekly treatment. Melissa works well with me, and is willing to go the extra bit to make things work for me. This was also true of William. That was good.

For a change on Tuesday I managed my whole day in Nelson without to my knowledge actually falling asleep durring anything. That was great. I just did some reading/contemplating/etcetera up at the centre. It was really good.

I talked to Sally today about whether I'm going to do the Shambhala Training Level II. I think if I were in Nelson, and had the money, the answer would be a definate yes. But well I'm in Rossland right now, and my money situation is pretty limited. I have to pay my parents $325 for November's rent out of my own pocket, and November has been a long month money wise for me. Though I'm surprised that I haven't gone into my overdraft this month. (Actually I have. The day before my cheque came through, 7 cheques came through throwing me $20 into my overdraft.)

My life is out of control... I have to admit that. I guess that could go back to step one of the 12 step programs (OA, SLAA for example), but I'm not sure I have to go to the 12 steps. My mind is fundementally ignorant of reality. That has to do with some sort of Buddhist principle. I just don't know what. Ah right Samsara. Which I'm not sure is nescesarily a Buddhist principle. No, it is not, though each religion that uses it, uses it slightly differently.

Anyway. What was I saying? I'm not entirely sure. Right back on Tuesday. I want to do the Level II. I'm not sure I got a good feel for Level I for some reason, and I know that doing the levels is really important to the Shambhala-Buddhist path, which I have commited myself to through taking refuge. So the question is, if it's important enough to go through another month of low money for the purposes of pursuing my spiritual path. I guess the answer to that is probably yes as my spiritual path is probably the most important thing in my life right now. I just don't know if I'm following it in a materealistic way. Gobbling it up like a good consumer. Letting my life get caught up in spitituality like I've let it get caught up in so many other things.

OK, so that's dealing with Tuesday mostly, and "The Centre". Ie. The Kootenay Shambhala Meditation Centre. Except lets see. Coming home. Yeah a bit of an interesting situation coming home. Someone asked one of the bus drivers (two people asked actually) when the next bus up to Binns was, and were told that it had left. One person just couldn't believe this. Binns is about 6 blocks up from the bus stop. One fairly shallow block, then it gets quite steep. It's not an easy walk, but well it's quite doable in fairly short order. I think the longest it has taken me to do it is about 15 minutes while going up there with my girlfriend of the time, and she was having a really hard time going up there that time. I don't actually know where along the route he lives, as it could be at the most distant part of the route from where the bus stop (main central bus stop) is, and that would be quite the walk. Not that I wouldn't have done it, but then one time I walked from Downtown Trail to my parent's (and also very much my) place one night. I don't know. I've done a lot of crazy things in my life. I think we all have. I did that instead of asking for a ride, or calling my parents. I was quite young, and if my child (not that I'm ever going to have children) did that I would really have a serious talking to them, and realy shouldn't have been doing that. But well that's what I was like in those days. Hm, a lot of what I'm like now. Though I'd probably call my parents, or call a taxi these days...

I'm really rambling tonight. Maybe that's what you readers want. A taste of my mind. That's what you're getting tonight. Maybe that's what you're getting a lot more often than I'd like to admit. I really feel totally out of it right now.

Back to the semi-linear time line. Tuesday, after I get home. Did I have a nap? No I didn't. Somehow I kept myself busy until I decided that I was going to do my daily practice. I hadn't done any formal practice at the centre. That's OK, because I just kept myself nice and busy. I could have tried to sit for a bit. It wouldn't have been to difficult to fit it in. But sitting when extreamly tired, while the body is still trying to get some sleep is a lot more difficult than trying to read in the same state. Mind you, I did loose time. Did I sleep, was I not keeping track of time, did I do my black out thing that is why I no longer even consider getting my learner's licence for a good many more years from now (and probably never will)? I don't know. I know that I looked at the time on the thermostat and it said something like 10:11, the next time? 10:28 (I think). But I had no recolection of that amount of time passing, nor any recolection of anything that would indicate that I'd clearly slept, or that I'd clearly blacked out. Now a combination? Possibly some combination of the three happened, or perhaps (hey wouldn't this be wild) I was abducted by aliens. But aren't aliens a big other? I have said that I'm not doing that big other thing... Oh well...

I got home, I ate, and did some stuff that I have no idea what it was any more, but some stuff, then I sat for about 110 minutes. That was a really great sit. I felt really connected, I didn't feel like I was loosing connection with the object. I was just really connecting well. But maybe I was just really just about ready to pass out, and my mind was "lets just do whatever it is that she wants us to do and maybe she'll let us have a little nap afterwords. Telling her that she really really really needed to sleep wasn't working earlier, so we'll try this...". Or something like that.

Then I read, and finially fell asleep.

Wednesday. I had a good massage in the morning, was pretty decently awake when I got up, and was able to get down there. Then when I got done with the massage I was just about ready to give up on ever being able to do focused activities again. It just felt so good having my body feel like that, but I couldn't focus at all. I was practically at the point of falling asleep walking home. Hard to sleep and walk at the same time. I've heard people have done it, I know I've come close, and some times have probably even done it, but it's hard. You run into things, you trip over things, that sort of thing, and you wake up and damn it, you're embarased. There was absoltely no reason for you to be in the middle of the field and what was that cow doing there anyway? She's OK, you're just a little confused human, with no intent of harming her, or even milking her...

So I got home and slept for large parts of the day. I came home and meditated. Wasn't a great session, but it was OK. So I meditated and then had a nap. Then dad woke me up asking for some help planning lunch. But he'd had lunch basicially planned. Except for the details. He wanted me to cook it. Which, honestly I can't remember what it was that I cooked. It had broccoli and zucchini in it. I know I posted about that somewhere. I've been largely incohherent lately. At least as far as I'm concerned. I can't focus on what I want to focus on. Which to be honest I'm not sure what that is.

This I think brings me to today, Thursday. Well again I had a good sleep today. Hm, lets see. Tuesday I'm out of commission because I'm in Nelson. Wednesday I'm out of commission because I'm recovering from Tuesday. Thursday, well it's a half worth while day, but I'm still recovering. Friday, that's my day, except for some reason my case manager has a thing for meeting on Friday, and I've not felt the least bit interested in asserting myself with her right now, as I just want to fire her to be honest, so just go with what works for her. Friday afternoon. So that's another few days recovering which brings me to Tuesday again. Maybe I should email or phone her and see if I can get the appointments on Tuesday morning. Probably not possible. She's probably got something regularly schedualed. But hey won't find out if I don't ask. And that "probably not" is just me catastrophising again. I don't know.

So tomorrow. At 9:30 I have to be in Trail to talk to the resperatory medicine people (sleep related I can't remember what she said it was, but for the sleep study). I guess we talk about stuff, and then I take home a machine to do a one night (or do we do the weekend (Friday Saturday Sunday)?) sleep study at home. Which in a way is good. It means I sleep like I "normally" do. More or less. Do I normally sleep at all normally? Sometimes, but not tonight. So well there it is. Tonight's post. Whatever it is...

Jigme Datse

Monday and meeting friends

2006-11-20T19:53:00.000-08:00

I got up relatively early today. I know for some of you it might not be that early. I had actually woken up much earlier, but I just didn't want to admit that I was awake, so I stayed in bed and just lay there awake, but not that awake. I had got to bed at about 02:00. This is a time that I should have definately been sleeping already by. But I'd had some computer troubles, and was trying to resolve them before going to bed, and then I went and did my evening practice. This was good, but damn it, that woke me up. So I then read for a bit. Read on Devotion in the book Breath of the Buddha which is a collection of writings by Chögyam Trungpa. I am feeling that the "book by" doesn't really work in this situation as it was created after his death. Which really raises the question for me. Is there a Trungpa who is his re-birth? Not really sure.

I got up, had breakfast, quite a nice breakfast actually. My food today has been controlled but large. I want to get back into the OA group in Nelson. I miss that. I miss the people there. I really miss Nelson in general. Sure I break down almost every time I go there, but well I want to get back. I think the breaking down has a lot to do with the fact that I don't at least have a place to go that I can call my own. I do go to the centre and spend time there. I want to start putting more back into the centre when I get back. I know I'm using it a lot to just be a place of safety while I'm in Nelson. This is a little hard, I feel a little guilty about that. Still, it's a fair use of the centre, and I do meditate there if I'm able to when I'm there. Hm, is that lazyness? I don't really know.

I met with a friend today, a sangha member. She lived in Nelson, and has since moved to Rossland. It was a really great time. We talked for about 2 hours. It was really nice to catch up with her. Hm.. Odd, I feel strange actually saying her name. I don't know why. Maybe because she isn't as public on the Internet as I am. She does have a web site, and she does promote her art work through the web site.

When I came home from that, I had lunch. I then went and had a nap until I was woken up by my dad saying "lets plan dinner". Well he wanted me to cook dinner. That would have been good to know. The idea of making decisions about what to eat, and making dinner are rather different. If I knew I was making dinner, I could have got myself to wake up, make dinner, and then eat dinner. Thinking I was just helping plan the meal I really don't want to wake up, because well I just want go to sleep right after we have done the planning and let my dad cook the meal.

That's kind of it. I created a new blog for my Buddhist stuff. That will let me do little articles or writing or whatever you want to call it on different Buddhist topics. There should be a link off to the right. I'm not sure that I've got it there, but if it's not there now, it should be there when you read this.

Jigme Datse

Blogging in the morning...

2006-11-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

I haven't really blogged at this time for some time. I did blog yesterday. Yesterday afternoon. I'm really not sure what I'm going to say here. I guess lets start from yesterday afternoon...

I'm not sure what all I was doing. Oh, I helped my dad cook dinner for my mum, well all of us. We had carrots and salmon and rice. Was a nice meal. We had a Green and Blacks white choclate bar for desert. I really enjoy the Green and Blacks chocolate.

After dinner we started to watch a recorded episode of New Tricks. Then we got to the time that Midsommer Murders was starting, and watched that. Dad and I watched the end of New Tricks. It was really quite good. And who everyone thought did it didn't. In fact, it was those who were saying that it was the other guys that did it. But hey that's kind of a spoiler, but not really.

Then I took my meds, but really didn't feel like going to bed. Watching TV, especially intense TV at that time of night means I don't feel like going to bed. I came back downstairs and spent some time on IRC chatting. That was good. I got an old friend on my friend's list again, tamouse. I was surprised that she had somehow ended up not there. So, I did that, checked out some of her latest posts. And well finially got tired, and just wanted to get to sleep, so I went to bed. And well had a wonderfull sleep.

I'll update more later.

Jigme Datse

Apointments this week....

2006-11-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

I had apointments this week. All in Nelson. So well I just got on the early bus, spent however much time I needed to there, and got back to Rossland. It's hard for me. It's hard to get through that.

Lets go back to Tuesday. I had an apointment with my doctor. Sadly a male doctor. My favourite doctor well, her practice is not open right now, so I can't see her. She's really cool, and well I knew her first as a regular person who was coming to the Shambhala Centre. Had a hard time wrapping my idea of doctor around my idea of her. Then I saw her working emerge. Twice now. Both times I went because well I was kind of having a really rough time. Well. That wasn't what I was wanting to talk about, and I didn't complete that thought, but maybe later I'll post about how she's really given me a good idea of just what a doctor should be like. Trust me, it's not like certain doctors I see there. They don't practice mindfullness in there practice of medicine.

The doctor I saw. Well I was kind of upset that I had to go see a male doctor. But I needed to find what I hope will be a perement doctor, and the only female doctor that I know of with an open practice is at the drop in clinic. Which kind of doesn't feel like a permenent doctor solution. So, I just went with what my heart-mind was telling me was the best option for me of the ones I was being offered. So far... Well it seems to be good.

He listened to me. I really just wanted to connect with him. And say what's been going on. Not nescesarily have him do anything. Well talked about things, talked about the tiredness. And also the pain (which has been better since starting the gabapentin). He surprised me when I talked about the tiredness. He didn't want to look at my medication right away. He wanted to refer me to the sleep clinic. So well that seemed like a step in the right dirrection. I've been thinking about sleep clinic for some time, but silly me I didn't think to suggest it. And even now, I haven't suggested it. So that was good to have a doctor that wants to look at other options than medication, and really wants to look at them, rather than just say, "Oh it's your medication, and I don't want to adjust that". Lets actually find out what is going on with my sleep? Am I actually sleeping? Do I have sleep apnea that is an issue? I know sometimes I wake up with sleep apnea. But always figured that was the only time that it was happening. That might be a silly assumption. So, we're going to look at my sleep. First a local study, hopefully within the next couple of weeks. Then maybe a more thorough examination which aparently can only be done in Kelowna.

Then later on Tuesday I saw my accupuncturist. She was really good. That's been one of the best things for my well being since I started that. I'm so glad that Dr. Lichtenstein suggested that. She thought it might help for the pain that I was experiencing. Maybe it's just the way that people work with me, or something, maybe it's placebo, but damn it works well some times. And a lot has to do with how well I'm able to sit back and say "Well I've got to work on getting this treatment to work". Part of that is during the treatment, part is after. The durring is always easiest. Afterwords it's more difficult some times. Like if I have to take the bus back from Nelson to Rossland. I really should be getting lots of fluids in me, and taking it easy, probably laying down for like half an hour or so. Still. That just isn't likely to actually be how it works if I'm coming back. And the treatment doesn't take as well. Which is really unfortunate. But we did talk about the importance of getting weekly treatments. Which I agree with. Even if all it is that I get frome it is the way that I get feedback on how Melisa sees what she's seeing going on with me. That is enough...

Then I had a couple days of no apointments. Which I took really easy, and well didn't even do what I really needed to do, like get outside, get excercise, etcetera. I slept. Which I also needed to do. And well I basically just slept. Ate meals. That sort of thing.

Then I had an apointment on Friday, yesterday. I saw P'Nina my case manager. That was hard. I'm not sure how good that time was. It's hard to communicate with her. I just want her to reflect what's going on. I'm not in a place that I feel comfortable focusing on change right now. I know she keeps mentioning "radical acceptance". The fact is, I do need to work on acceptance. I know that I'm not actually being very accepting of what's going on. But I feel that she's using that as a change intent. I don't know. I guess that I just am having a hard time with it. Though, she is right about some stuff. I want to be in Nelson. And well I guess the only "healthy" place that I can live that I can afford is Ward Street Place. I know, it's not a great place to live, but I want to live in Nelson, and maybe it's the best place to live that I can afford. Sure I could share, but really it's an unusual situation that would work for me. So, well I live in this particular flavour of substandard housing. But... Well but, what? I don't know. I don't know. I think that's about it for the apointment with P'Nina.

I went to an art show, and well out for Indian food before. It was really a nice evening. Then pretty much as soon as I got back, I went to bed. That's what my week's been like.

Jigme Datse

About to head to bed, for an early morning...

2006-11-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

I have an early morning tomorrow. I have to catch the 06:20 bus that will get me to Nelson. I have an accupuncture treatment tomorrow afternoon in Nelson. This will be my third trip to Nelson since I moved back to live with my parents. Maybe I won't break down this time. I've been having really hard times when I'm in Nelson since I moved back here. I'm just looking to see if I can find a place to live. Though, honestly, I'm not sure that I'm going to find that. Some how I'm considering moving to a larger centre again. But right now, I'm not likely to move outside of BC. And I can't think of a mid sized centre that I'd like to live in.

I have thought about Vancouver, but it's really expensive to live anywhere "nice" in Vancouver. Mind you, I know people who are low income who were living in the west end. Maybe there are places in the west end, or Comercial Drive areas that are affordable for someone with income similar to what I have. I really don't know.

Maybe I'll just stay in Rossland. At least my parents are here. And it's actually cheaper to live in Rossland than Nelson. Still, I would not be able to get back and forth when I want to. I don't know. Maybe it's time to pull up roots, and find a new place to live. I'm not sure I want to live outside of Nelson, nor does it seem like I can afford to live in Nelson. I really have to see. Move forward. Maybe moving forward means making a big move. Get out of the Kootenays. Maybe shrink my ecological footprint by living more urban.

Jigme Datse

Dinner...

2006-11-13T16:49:00.000-08:00

Just thought I'd post something about dinner.

Dinner is what I'm about to eat. It's really simple. Really carnavore type meal. Lamb ribs, and apple crisp. I'm kind of upset that I haven't managed to stay vegetarian, or even close to being vegetarian since I've moved back in with my parents. I like to eat with them. They eat a lot of meat in my mind (less than the average American, but still lots in my mind). And well I guess I just find it really difficult to not eat the meat. (oh damn, I forgot the brown sugar.... Well, we'll see how it goes. If it works great. If not then I can try to remember it next time).

So, well that's a bit stream of conciousness. I guess some of the stuff that I put up here is precicely that. I rarely know where a post is going until I push the publish button.

Today was the first day since Friday that I've been able to get through the day without absolutely needing a nap. Maybe that's medication. I think for me it's more likely the fact that I didn't get to sleep Thursday night. But also, I think my body is getting used to the medication.

What else? Maybe more later. We'll see...

Jigme Datse

Switch to Blogger Beta

2006-11-13T15:05:00.000-08:00

I have switched to blogger beta. I don't know how much difference this will make for people who are reading my blog, or more specifically how much difference it makes to those who are commenting on my blog. It looks like things actually look pretty good in terms of my usage. Differences for sure. I'll see how things look in the settings thing as well. So here it is, my first post from Blogger Beta.

Jigme Datse

Sleep...

2006-11-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

Well. I guess I've really been needing a lot of sleep lately. I should figure out just what I need, and how to get a regular schedual. Maybe not trying to work on a 24 hour day is going to be the way to go. Though it's really hard to do that when you're living with other people, and sharing meals and things.

My day today, well I guess I slept until a long time. I got up at a decent hour, then I slept a lot of the time today. But I'm going to get at least 3 loads of laundry done. I guess laundry is an important thing right now. I kind of need to start going through the stuff that I moved here. Get rid of the stuff that I really don't need/want. That's going to be hard. I want to make it easier to move next time I move.

I think that's about all I have said. I'm starting to post to my LiveJournal journal. Maybe you can check that out. Also check out my friends there. They're all good people. Some have a lot to say. Some are a lot like me and say very little for long periods of time.

Jigme Datse

Trip to Nelson and lack of sleep...

2006-11-10T23:32:00.000-08:00

I guess I'll start with the lack of sleep. I got next to no sleep last night. Maybe about half an hour. I don't really know. Seemed like I didn't sleep at all, but I probably slept some. That really makes it well different I guess is a good word, to get through a day that I did not have much oportunity to sleep durring the day. Mind you, I have a friend who seems to be looking at working on a 28 hour day. That seems to be a good idea to me. Though it would put me out of sync with "the rest of the world" a lot of the time. Not that I'm in sync with the rest of the world now. But maybe just letting sleep happen when it happens, sleeping until I've got a good amount of sleep, and then doing things durring the time that I'm awake and alert might make things better for me.

Well, Nelson. What I did today. I went to Nelson. Caught the 6:20 Bus that takes me from Rossland to Castlegar, and connects with the bus that takes me to Nelson. I slept a bit on the bus there. I got to Nelson, had a soy chai at Oso, and did a few things before my apointment at 9:00. I kept checking to see if the building manager was in today. Eventually I saw someone was in the office, and well it was Gerald who works at Stepping Stones and is the primary replacement for Leslie the Building Manager when she's not able to come in.

Unfortunately Gerald is not someone I can easily talk to. I don't know why. Maybe because he's male. Maybe because he really lacks some basic conversation continuing skills. And Maybe it's just because he's weird in a way that just doesn't apeal to me. Hm, or because he doesn't seem to be interested in going beyond the surface, ask the "What were you expecting to be here?" type questions when you ask if there is anything there for you. I'm really hoping that by Tuesday the damage deposit cheque is there. I know that Leslie would have it for me imediately if she could do so, but she can't. The thing is, I haven't paid rent here at my parents' yet. And really, they do deserve it, and well they won't get it until either I get money, or social services finds a way to write that cheque to them.

I missed my bus back. I could have made it to the bus. I could have just waited when I thought "Oh I have time to go over to social services and check things out". Apparently I didn't. So I hitched back. By the time that I got to the hitching spot I wasn't more than normally suicidal. It seems I always have extream emotions coming up when I'm in Nelson, and no where to go. No where to take them.

I know the Shambhala centre is there. That's a good space. But I can't get online. That's really annoying. That's one of my main supports right now. And I can't "Go home". There is no home for me. OK, here is kind of home. But I don't know. It seems more like a hotel on a really crappy vacation than a home. Crappy not because of what's going on here. Crappy because of what's going on in my head. That just doesn't work well for me. I still haven't been able to shake that crappy feeling.

Well, what else. I picked up my meds, I thought they'd made a mistake with them, but apparently not. Well maybe there's a mistake in the computer, but they didn't make a mistake with what they gave me, or with the reciepts that I recieved. So I'll just accept it. The little page that shows what I'm suposed to take when was wrong though. It had extra rispirdone on it. Oh well. That's OK.

My rides back were pretty good. Not as good if I'd caught the bus. But I know I could have only missed it by about 2 minutes. But 2 minutes is still 2 minutes. Maybe it was "around the corner" and I was talking with one of my old neighbours because I thought it was earlier than it was. Oh well.

Kind of rambling here. I think that's about it. I had a really good nap after I got home. Got home cold and wet. Had a bath. It wasn't very hot. And then, well I just had a nap. Several hours. That's OK I guess. Then we had a light late dinner.

That, I guess is it. Some time on the computer, and now I think I'm off to bed.

Jigme Datse

Interesting phone call...

2006-11-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

I got a phone call from the police tonight. That kind of set me off. I really don't know why, the police aren't suposed to be bad people. But you know what. I kind of agree with Spider when he says you have to be careful of them. Oddly, I've not had much good expereience with police so, well I kind of feel that in itself may help explain why I feel so shitty about even hearing from them.

They had "good news" for me. I'm not sure how to take it. Clearly I need more help than I've been getting. That to me at least is clear. And the result of the good news? Well now I "Know" I won't access services that I haven't been accessing, because well I'm just a normal crazy again. So what if I assualted this person. It doesn't matter. Why? Because well the person I assaulted doesn't want to persue charges. Maybe, I could have given a case for finding something more intense. But maybe I just have to access things through the Shambhala centre. Some of that stuff is really intense. Maybe I just need time. I don't know. More daily practice. No more skipping out because I just don't feel like it.

Jigme Datse

Sleep and other things...

2006-11-08T15:25:00.000-08:00

I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night. A lot going on in my head. I've been having a hard time getting to sleep a lot of the time. And often in the evenings I just want to end it all. Commit suicide. But you know, I think the Tibetans have it right when they say Tashi Delay, "Congratulations, You're alive". Sometimes it's hard to accept that when your mind keeps throwing up "I want to die. Life's not worth living. Just let this all end." I guess I could say that the "Borderline Stuff" is really coming up.

I've decided that maybe a lawyer can help me. I don't really know. Maybe a lawyer can help me get the sentence that is apropriate. Mind you, in an advisarial system I'm not sure that is really possible. I don't know how I'm going to figure out how I'm going to get what I need.

I'm thinking maybe living with people might help. I don't know. There are a couple Sangha members who are possibly looking for people to share a house with. I tend to flip flop on the issue of living with people, but really I would much rather live in a house than live in an apartment complex. Except, sometimes the idea of living with other people is really difficult to take. There is a lot of fear with that. And maybe I --- Jigme Datse, Fearless Crescent Moon --- need to lean into that fear. Maybe it will be a really good thing.

I guess for now I'll leave that there. I know my spelling isn't great. But it's there. I think it's understandable. I'm kind of a Grammar Fuzzy I guess. Though sometimes I'm more Nazi ish, I'm never ... Oh what are they called? Not sure... Anyways one of those who is really blatant about ignoring gramatical rules. Oh well....

Jigme Datse

Lots of stuff going on....

2006-11-07T23:45:00.000-08:00

Now I realise a lot has definately gone on. I also realise that maybe I shouldn't be posting some of this stuff, but for my sanity, it helps. And that alone is enough reason to post it. I'm totally freaking out about my court date. A couple days ago I was getting pretty intensely suicidal about it. The thing is, I don't have a lawyer, and that in itself is kind of scary. I really don't know what to do about that. I called the legal aid office, and never got a call back. Maybe I moved before they got a chance to call. I don't know. I really don't want a lawyer. I know what I did. I know it was wrong. I know what the concequences are. I don't intend to do anything but plead guilty. I also wonder what the heck is going on. *WHY* did I get charged for this offence? Who pressed charges? I probably will never know. I'm just scared as can be that I'm going to jail. And possibly for a good while. I don't really know. You know. I think I'm going to leave that at that, and go chat for a bit. More blogging later.

Jigme Datse

Long time no post...

2006-11-02T15:47:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a long time. I want to post daily ideally. I have gone and moved back to my parents, which means I'm a long way away from all my friends. This is a good thing. It means I want to figure out how to get back to Nelson as quickly as possible. But after living almost 4 years in substandard housing I have a few things that I almost absolutely require. An oven. A bathroom that is my own (OK, if I'm sharing with people that I feel comfortable with, I'll share a bathroom, but I don't want a bathroom that I am sharing with 30 other people). I'd love gass. I'd love lots of space to move around. I'd love to have a pet. Those are not nescesary. I need to have a place that I'm not forced to walk through a common area where there are things going on that I don't really wish to engage in (hours and hours of TV, bitching and complaining about things that really aren't all that important, etcetera). I know I'm being fussy. That's the way you get. Still, I need to find some place better to live than where I was living. Otherwise, I'll go out of my mind. I won't be taking care of myself, and the same kind of stuff that was going on will go on again. I'd really like a house. There is no way I can afford a house though. I realise I probably don't want to be sharing space. I'd rather have some place too small for me to be totally comfortable in, than sharing space with someone who makes it difficult to live with them (for whatever reason).

I did take refuge. My new name (though I haven't decided just how I'm going to use it), is Jigme Datse, Fearless Crescent Moon. That was good. I've been more on top of my practice. Partially because of what drove me to wanting to move so suddenly. Right now I don't want to go into what that was. I just want to keep this as a pretty factuall thing. Things aren't great, but I'm alive, I'm not incarcerated anywhere. I just have to start learning to take now for all there is. Now is the most important time. At least in my mind...

Jessica

Day 2 of abstenence.

2006-08-24T04:13:00.000-07:00

I know I danced close to the edge. I know I overeate. I feel pretty confident that I can say that I did not compulsively overeat. Still have the chips. Did I mention the chips.... I don't think so.

Yesterday (it seems like so long ago) I was having a pretty good day. I had a good morning. Had a good breakfast. I was working really well with a lot of stuff. Keeping occupied, whatever. I then decided that there was one item that I needed to pick up from the grocery store, and well had no cash on me, and I don't do plastic, and actually realised that I didn't actually have the money in the bank that I wantted so I could withdraw some money. I felt like I was a bit stuck. Sure I could go and get what I ``needed'' from the grocery store. I wanted to get other stuff as well. Then I realised that I did have a cheque that I could cash. Hm, a source of money. Yes I would have prefered to put the money into the bank, but well I decided that I'd get money in the bank today, so no real problem, and well, I'm poor. So well sometimes I'm living paycheque to paycheque. So OK cash the cheque, get some food.

I went to the co-op and got some food. There is almost always something tempting at the front. Not nescesarily something that I decide to buy, but something that I go ``yeah that would be nice''. And on so many levels. On the levels of personal satisfaction and ethicial purchasing, as well as levels of wise food choices, and healthy eating. Those tempting things that pull me into the store and make me want to shop there this time? Peaches. No I didn't buy any. I have peaches at home (hm peach before crawling into bed is a good idea). So as usual I didn't (that I remember) pick up any produce. I get my produce delivered.

What did I get. Some nice sheep brie, some bread, dried mango slices, gummy bears (binge food unwise food choice), peanuts, potato chips (2 bags) (binge food another unwise food choice), and I think some other stuff, but I c... oh some dulse flakes, and I think that may be it. Oh wait, I forgot, I got some black olive spread and what I went in for, peanut butter. I looked at the pasta sauce. I didn't like the look of it (litterally the look of it) so I decided (and othewise it would have been another unwise item in my basket) not to do the pasta thing.

I'm shopping for this stuff, I'm picking it up. I'm wanting to binge, but not really. I'm craving going into the binge foods and binging, but really what I want is to go home and have a lovely lunch. Not as much fun, not as tempting, not as easy a choice to make, and I really am noticing that it's hard for me to make the wise decisions. Othewise why would I have picked up the gummi bears and potato chips? I want that escape valve. Except really I don't. Otherwise these would be wise foods for when I really do need them. Um no, I don't need them. I just want to feed the addiction. I want to be going for that food when I just feel like I can't cope. So this is all going through my head, I'm letting it do it's thing, I'm trying to convince myself to put the chips and gummi bears back, I can't.

What do I normally do? I go home and well those bags of chips those are the start of my lunch. Hm, bread with olive spread and brie on would go nicely on the two bags of chips. For a finial thing the gummie bears will go down quite nicely. A nice two thousand calorie meal. Not a bad start for the day. Maybe a pint of sorbet, and well I guess finishing off the ice cream (about 750 ml) would be a pretty good way to go. And now I need to purge. And now I'm really pissed at myself. I'm mad that I've let myself do this. I'm mad that I'm even capable of doing this. And I'm especially mad that I'm willing to eat all of that only to puke it up, or shit it out.

What did I do? I had a nice lunch of bread, olive spread, and brie. Sure more calories than I probably really need, not the greatest decision, but well it's a huge improvement.

So, the potato chips are still there. They may come with me to Rossland. Give them to my mum. Just quietly put them in the pantry. Rather that than put them out here or throw them out. Sure my mum's addicted, but she's got some pretty good balance there.

Today, well I got to bed at 05:00 last night, not looking a bit better tonight. That I'm pissed about. And you know, it's also something that I really honestly don't know that I can do anything about it right now. I mean yes I can get to bed at 11:00 every night. I just don't think I'm ready for that, or that my living situation is conducive to that. I'm working on it. I'm addicted to imbalance, and this is where I am living that imbalance right now. So, it honestly looks like I may not be getting to yoga this week. I'm pissed about that. It's largely my own doing. I know I have to shift some things.

Who was I talking to about the yoga timimg? I think it was Kathy. The masters of counselling student who is doing her final practicum at mental health and addictions. I keep seeing Robin asking me those questions. But well I don't think it was her, because that would have been at the Shambhala Centre, and somehow that doesn't quite work for me. I just think there is just some reason I'm linking Kathy and Robin together.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed now. Just shaking my head at the fact that it is 13 minutes to 5 right now and I really can't say that the time this evening was well spent. Oh well, now it is the time that it is, and I am going to go to bed and try to be gentle with myself.

Jessica

Just stuff, stuff and more stuff...

2006-08-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

I was looking for my journal that has been missing for over a week (I need to send out a search party I think, anyone care to join the search party, I'm affraid it may die if it isn't found soon), and found my 2006 Wicca Almanac, and decided that I'd look at what the world is bringing up in the almanac that is interesting, and I found that the moon is new and entering Virgo on Wednesday afternoon. I guess there is a conflict with the practice and education committee meeting on Wednesday so the Sadhana of Mahamudra is on Tuesday instead.

So, I didn't find my journal. Well the one I write in every night when I know where it is. Well sort of. In any case it is missing in action. I found it last Monday, but I couldn't locate it when I was looking for it in the evening. I'm not sure where it may have ended up. I might call Diane who helped me clean my appartment and see if she might remember anything about it. Somehow I doubt it. I know I have a lot of those books in my appartment. Most of them are my personal journals. Back to 1994. Not that I was journalling every day at that point, or really any large enough time frame throughout that time, but I believe it has been pretty close.

I was away from Nelson for the weekend. I went to Rossland to do some computer stuff and connect up with family. The computer stuff went OK. I installed Adobe Creative Suite 2 trial onto my dad's computer. Somehow I'm not sure that he's going to get a chance to check it out in the next 30 days or so. That doesn't really matter all that much. If he does, great, if not, no big deal really. Setup so that we have moved one computer right next to another computer, and so that the two computers share the same monitor, keyboard and mouse through a KVM switch.

Also did some stuff with some of the web services on one of the machines. Which um isn't doing the right thing right now for some reason. I don't know why. I'll hopefully figure it out in the morning tomorrow.

I haven't made it back to the yoga centre yet. I'm hoping to get there on Wednesday, and I really expect that I will. Unfortunately I won't get there tomorrow because I have a massage appointment in the middle of the Mysore time. Oh well. Tomorrow night I plan on doing the Sadhana of Mahamudra at the Shambhala Centre.

I think that's about it right now. So, to bed in a bit, then up early in the morning, or at least try to.

Jessica

Email posting...

2006-08-16T01:21:00.000-07:00

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I don't know how the email posting works, I want to try it out, and see
if that might be a viable way to handle posting to the positive body
blog. This is just a short post to see how it works.

Jessica
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First day doing Yoga

2006-08-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

I did yoga for the first day in a long long long time. Hm, something like more than 32 years, but wait, no I have done some yoga before, it was a bit of Kundulini yoga with Lana. This was Ashtanga/Mysore. I am about to go to bed so that I'll be able to get up in the morning early enough to go to the Mysore session tomorrow. I want to get my money's worth as quickly as possible. End of next week I feel like I'll probably have it all together.

For the yoga I wrote a cheque that went into my line of credit. I knew I could do that safely, and I should have money in there on Friday so, it may not even go into my line of credit.

The yoga was great. Mysore is a self paced group practice. I did the two sun salutations and 6 standing postures. And something at the end. I forgot that bit. I remember the corpse pose, and another pose that I really don't have the strength to do. The practice was really intense. I don't think I hydrated enough today, and really think I need to work more on that if I'm going to be doing this practice regularly.

The whole trans stuff came up. I can't wear anything which is tight in that area without showing. I know some people have found ways around this. That seems even more uncomfortable than just putting some kind of pants on. And that has been a real stretch for me.

I'm doing the Yoga at Shanti Yoga which is just around the corner from where I live. I'm about half way between Shanti, and the Shambhala Centre. A little closer to the Shambhala Centre. That is maybe a bit revealing. Still, I haven't had problems that I couldn't handle. And even those were mostly self inflicted for the most part.

That is probably what I want to say. I saw Kathy who is seeing me while P'Nina is away. That has been really good. Though P'Nina tends to challange me more. Robin challanges me the most. But then the proffesional relationship with Robin is ending (well even though it's not technically ended yet, probably practically has). My feeling about why she is the one that challanges me the most is because she isn't afraid to form a personal relationship, and that actually worked out well for me. We had a dual (at least) relationship, and while some schools of counselling suggest that dual relationships are troublesome, I feel that honest setting of boundries between the various relationships that you do have, and work with them effectively.

I think that's also another thing, when I talk with Robin about tonglen, she knows what I'm talking about, and well less so, when I talk to her about the DBT stuff, she also knows what I'm talking about. The major areas of my life she intersects with well. I can think of a few other people who that is true of also.

Well, I guess it's time for me to take my meds, and curl up in bed. Get 5 or so hours of sleep. That would be better than last night I think.

Jessica

A week back, almost...

2006-08-06T22:58:00.000-07:00

I've been back for a week. I'm not really sure what happened in this week. I've been staying away from the computer, and staying away from a lot of things. I've had a few good walks. I got two rolls of film back when I got back to Rossland for the weekend. Yes, I get my parents to deal with my film. Why? I like the end product better. I don't really know why. It just seems to have better colour and everything with the machine at Doel Photo. Maybe it's just me, but my mum has agreed with that.

As I said, I really don't know what I did this last week. A few walks. Good. Well, one walk. And it was a short walk. Something significant happened on that walk, but maybe it wasn't all that significant. Well, I noticed that the lake has gotten down to a pretty much normal level. Oh, some of the photos I got back were of the lake at the peak I saw it. May have been higher at some other time, but this must have been near peak.

I came to Rossland. We had a nice walk on the Black Jack ski trails. I got some computer work done. Even got my parents' new DVD player hooked up. Unfortunately I think we are going to be loosing one channel of audio with it until I get the stereo signal from the DVD player mixed to a mono audio signal I can put into the VCR.

Hazel was asking about weekthun. Well it was good. I think that I got more or less what I expected. Lots of sitting, lots of keeping occupied. I had a regular schedual for the first time in a very long time. I really think I'd like a 3 day a week or maybe 2.5 day a week job durring the day to give me a regular schedual. I now realise just how hard it is for me to maintain a schedual, and how good it is for me to do that.

But, I continue to sleep a lot durring the day. Since I got back, my doctor has increased one of my medications, it is really helping with the pain. I wake up in a lot less pain. That is really good. I'm not sure if maybe it also means that I'm having a harder time staying awake durring the day.

Weekthun, yes, that was requested. It was really good. No electricity for a week, well no AC electricity for a week. We did have various battery controlled things like flashlights, tooth bruushes, um, what else, cameras (Stephen has a few pictures up on his blog http://dondrup.blogger.com/ that are good). I might post a few pictures tomorrow, I don't know. Some of my pictures well, they're rather different. Photos of things most people would really shy away from. I don't know, do I take them because they make people uncofortable? Or do I take them because I find beauty in them despite the fact that many people find them repulsive. That's odd.

Russ gave some really good talks about the experience of the 8 conciousnesses, the five sense conciousnesses, the mind conscousness, then the other two I really don't know a whole lot about, one is a kind of storehouse consciousness, the other is I think some link between the first 6 and the 8th. A lot on the sense consciousnesses. That, I could kind of work with. Then we also worked with the other three consciousness a little bit. I know for me, what worked well for me to connect with my meditation practice was sight and sound. I had a lot of trouble with taste and smell. And touch was somewhere in between there.

Touch is something that actually I worked a lot with. There were some people there who were regularly touching me. I know this is an area which I have difficulty with. I rarely seek out touch, at least not in a healthy way. And when I do get in a situation where touch becomes something important in the communication I tend to get very confused. I know in recent memory I've had situations where the touch I felt was conveying a lot of loving and careing, but in the end it seemed like that was either overrulled by some other thing, or I was mistaken. I'd like to believe that something changed, that while that careing didn't go away, something came up that caused the person to choose to bury it. Maybe conciously, but most likely not conciously.

I also find that while I can express trust on certain levels easily (like falling backwards into a person's arms and trusting they will catch me before I hit the floor (no, I've never hit the floor doing this, but sometimes come very close)), but on the emotional level, trusting my feelings, especially my feelings about what another person is feeling towards me is really poor. Sometimes I find myself feeling that the person feels exactly as I do, and really finds me someone they would like to have a lot of contact with. Other times, I don't trust that the expressions of affection that I receive from them are really because they feel that way.

Then I really wonder what it is that makes this matter, and I realise that it is probably ego, and my way of looking at the world in very dualistic ways. That the world, or a situation, or whatever is either one, or it's another. The world is either black, or it is white. Or maybe the world is full of evil, or it is full of love. The or of these two things, is an exclusive or, that is, it's one or the other, but not both.

I know I've said a lot. I'm not sure I said a lot about what it was that really was why I wanted to write this. I guess it's hard at times.

That will be it for tonight.

Jessica

Weekthun....

2006-07-31T00:31:00.000-07:00

I just got back from weekthun. Well not just got back, I got back about 10 hours ago, and should be sleeping. I'm very tired, and I want to go back and live in my tent. There are no mice in my tent. Well there weren't out there. I have mice in my appartment, and they are very rude mice. I have to deal with them. I tried to plug a hole, I've plugged it several times, but they are back running around my appartment. I need something better to plug the hole with. It's in my floor. Any suggestions?

I too saw the rainbow or whatever that atmospheric optical effect of the mind was. Stephen posted a picture of it. Somehow it was more spectacular in person. And it seems that we manifested a storm this afternoon, just after we left, well a couple hours after we finially packed up. Jessica posted about the storm, but didn't realise it was auspicious :). Anyway, I'm going to go to bed. So, maybe more over the next few days. It was great, even the crappy bit in the middle. And the crappy bit in the middle was all me. And my ego. And thinking. And...

Jessica

Psychiatrists' apointment...

2006-07-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

Yes I made it to the psychiatrists appointment. One step closer to getting surgery. I don't think that I had to worry much about it. Well my doctor, and even my case manager agree that I can get surgery at this time. P'nina my case manager is I think a little less enthusiastic about it. Though I think she likes to err on the side of caution and not having me take risks that could be a significant blow to my self esteem.

So, how did it go? Really well actually. There were two psychiatrists who I expected there, and one other person who I didn't expect there, and I don't know if she was a psychiatrist or some other proffesional. They asked me a bunch of questions that I've gone over, but have yet to write a script about (hey I have to be honest, and being honest means talking from where I'm at, not from where I was at when I wrote the script). It was somewhat difficult. They were glad to see that I'm getting ongoing counselling. They generally I think felt that I am indeed a good canditate for surgery, and that the surgery should proceed shortly.

Some surprises, but I was kind of expecting some surprises. The one surprise that I wasn't expecting and really hadn't even considered is the loss of choice as to what surgeon to go to. There is now a surgeon looking for a hospital to do the surgery in, who is located in Vancouver, and I either pay for getting surgery from someone else, or get MSP to pay for this surgeon. Well, he only has a wait list of 40 patients, I don't know how much surgical time he's likely to be able to get, so I don't know how quickly he will get through the list. I would think at the most rapid (and this may even be unrealistic) he'd be able to get through that list in about a month. That list is growing, but I'll be contacted probably fairly soon about some of that.

Then I spent the day in Vancouver, mostly shopping. Almost exclusively shopping. Got a new answering machine (now you can leave me messages). It seems that sometimes the answering machine I have refuses to take messages, which is very annoying. Got some books inclidng The Gateless Gate which is a classic Zen text which I've been reading since I got on the bus. Looks like I have some good reading to get caught up on, if I have time on my retreat. I'll probably be able to read a few cases per day. They don't take long to read. I'm not really trying to understand them. I'm just reading them to get a feel for them. Maybe when I get back I'll start to try to realise the meaning of the koans.

That's about it. My parents got a new scanner which they are hoping to connect to the new computer. Right now, I think I am going to try to get an hour or two of sleep. Maybe even 3 hours.

Jessica

Today...

2006-07-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

I slept most of the morning. I managed to get up, but then had a nap. OK, so that's better than usual. And I didn't get to bed until something like 03:00 last night, so maybe it's not so bad. Well, it's coming on 02:00 and well I haven't gotten to bed yet. Still probably at least a couple of hours of time before I go to bed. So well, doesn't look like I'll get to bed until something like 04:00 tonight. Damn that sucks. Tonight thankfully it's something productive, just wish I got it done before now. Well, we'll see how long it takes.

What did I get done today. I went for a walk this afternoon. I spent a lot of time on the computers. Got some stuff installed on one computer, but unfortunately it's not working. Oh well, we'll see if we can get it working, or maybe change the hardware that we have purchased and replace it with something compatable with the software we have. This machine has been a real frustration.

Working on backing up all 4 machines. Well the four main machines. Not the two laptops which are not currently in use. Well, time to check that backup upstairs...

OK, looks like I might get some sleep in about an hour or so. It looks like the next step of the whole backup might actually take long enough that I don't want to stay up for it. I'll see how it all looks when I'm at the point that I'll be backing up the ``next'' machine. As of now, 1 machine is partially backed up (about half), and 1 machine is on it's way to being fully backed up (should be in about an hour), then I have the two machines that I haven't backed up at all, or have only partially backed up, and get those done. Might take some time. I'll see how it all goes, looks like it could be a while. I'll see.

That's kind of it. Doing a lot of work on getting computers to do what I want them to do, or what whoever is mostly going to be using the computer wants them to do. Damn it takes a long time to back up these machines. Wish I had realised that before. 4 machines, about an hour to do the burn to DVD on each machine, and then, well whatelse? Right creating the backup files, and transfering those backup files to the computer that does the backup. So it's slow at times.

I'm finding that I have too much to do in the amount of time that I have to do it. So, something has to go. And I want that something to be something that I'm choosing to go, not something that I just haven't gotten to in a long long time, and just deciding maybe it's time to let it go. That won't work. I think maybe the thing that has to be made lower priority is chatting on IRC except for the chats that are related to 12 step groups I belong to.

Oh, well. I forgot to finish this off... Well here it is finished, probably more than 12 hours after it started. I don't know. Somewhere in that range.

Jessica

Some things that went on today...

2006-07-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

I thought that there wasn't a lot that went on today. I was on a confrence call from 08:00 to 09:30 for the Shambhala Database, and then I went to see P'Nina. That was a good appointment. A lot came up. I realised that I need to work on my skills, and on other stuff as well. And I really plan on doing that. Well, that's the plan right now. I have an appointment on the 1st with a Master's student, who will be seeing me while P'Nina is away. That I hope works out well. I'll see when I see her. I guess in a way, I'm not doing that well right now. It's more of a matter of realising that overall there are a lot of issues that are not getting dealt with, and wanting to deal with them. Not entirely sure that I will be totally present for Weekthun, I know that it depends a lot on how things go with the psychiatrists appointment down in Vancouver. I know by the end of the week, I'll be doing pretty good, it's just that the begining, I may feel pretty spaced out and in need of support. Well, I'm not sure I'll get it there. Maybe it will all be good.

After my appointment with P'Nina a friend, well not sure I would call her a friend, but an aquantance of mine, who considers me to be a friend, came by, was with her from about 10:30, to 13:00, and that was a lot of time to be around this person. She really means well, and not only does she mean well, she means really really really really well. The thing is, she's someone that I find that it's difficult for me to be around, because she is never satisfied that she's giving enough for what she's receiving. I honestly don't know how she gets through the month with the way that she is constantly giveing to people in ways they never expect, and well just in pretty insanely giving. I know I should be really greatful, but I kind of feel hurt that she's willing to sacrifice herself to the extent that she does. In that time, I had some short reprives as she had to go to the bathroom very frequently (was driving me crazy, and I consider how often I go to the bathroom pretty insane, but well, her situation is like an order of magnitude more frequent than I have to go). I *can't* go that frequently.

I saw my doctor, that was good, hadn't seen her in a while. Not sure how long, but it's been a while, and well I guess I should have seen her sooner, but nothing was pressing, and I didn't. She keeps getting on me about going swimming. Well, I washed my bathingsuits today. So, well maybe I'll go. I don't know. I should really get to the pool and go swimming. But I don't know how I'll pay for that. I'll see. That hits another sore point for me. Maybe I should talk to city and see what they think about providing passes for people on dissability. I doubt that idea would go over well. Somehow the city doesn't seem to want to put money into that kind of thing. Putting money into development on the other hand they consider sound fiscal policy. They do I believe give money to some programs, and support affordable housing in some small measure. But from what I've heard, there is *one* place in Nelson that is affordable housing available to anyone. Everything else has a limited scope.

Now, I seem to be rambling. I then had lunch, nothing major, can't eat major in my mind, and still consider it abstenence. I really have pulled close to the line, and I'm sure, I generally eat more than I need to. I guess for me is noticing how unfit I am. I should be able to jog up those stairs before I get to the point of feeling as stressed as I do walking up them at a normal, or possibly slightly slow pace. Well that was yesterday. I do need to work on getting more active though. I didn't go for a walk today. I haven't gone on a proper walk in several days. I should be getting an hour swimming in three days a week. But, I haven't been in the pool for well over a year. Wait, it's been over 2 years I think. That's not good.

Well, I got to Rossland, my parents picked me up. My dad installed a countertop by my window. That will be a great place for me to do my food prep now. Of course, it's going to get cluttered. But it's probably going to be food and cooking clutter almost exclusively, so that's good. I lost my radiator that I would put hot things on. Still, I think I'll get a couple of trivits, and see how that goes. That should do it. And I rarely have more than 2 hot things at the same time, so well even two is pretty rare, a couple of trivits would probably do me.

Well, to bed now I think.

Jessica

2006-07-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

Well, we've broken the 100 hits level. Probably today, not sure, haven't checked the statistics over the last few days. Quite a while I think before I get to 1000. We'll see. Eventually I'll get there if I keep posting. So, well here it is, here's my comment about it. Somehow, I'm not as excited about it as I thought I would be. Maybe that's because of what is going on in my life right now. I really don't know. Likely. So, well I think I need sleep. Feeling good and tired. Oh. Another post for today.

Jessica

Getting caught up...

2006-07-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I last posted. I'm not really sure why. I guess in a way things have been really busy, but I've been mostly creating that busyness. So what did I last say?

Yeah, it's been about 5 days since I last posted. Well, um. The food is going well so far. The other stuff? The sexual stuff? Well not so good. I'm maybe being more rigid with that, I don't know. I've had some close calls with the eating, but I'm calling today day 10. Not so with the sexual stuff. And maybe that points to where some of my energy should be going. Instead of ignoring it. But I don't want to look at that. It's too painful. And I really don't know how to take care of myself around those issues. I know it's important, I know it's effecting a lot of my life. Still, I'm not wanting to do that. I don't even want to do the first step work. And I know that's suposed to be where you start. I know I have to work on that.

What else, I went to the Initiation Group at Mental Health and Addictions. It's an addictions group, I feel like I fit in there. I think a lot has to do with the fact that what I am dealing with is just as much an addiction, as is somone who is dealing with cocaine dependence. Yes there are different physicial factors involved, the whole psycho-social-spiritual factors are very similar.

I'm in Rossland. Visiting my parents. Trying to relax a bit. I have quite a bit coming up, I'm getting behind in my email. I'm hoping that I can get caught up over the weekend.

What's going on with me. I'm going to Weekthun http://nelsonbuddha.com/images/weektun-poster.jpg which should be a good time for me. Before that (the Friday before it starts (on the Saturday)), I'll be in Vancouver talking to two psychiatrists, and hopefully getting the approval that I need to get surgery. I don't know if it's going to happen. I'm really scared that it won't, and that I'm going to break down because I've put this effort in, and all that, and still, I'm not going to be getting the surgery, and I need to continue living in this limbo. Sorry, I'm really feeling in the hungry ghost realm right now, and I really want to get back to the human realm. I know that's about me, not my situation. It's just really hard for me right now.

I think I'll leave that at that, and go to bed. More in the next week, then I'll be gone for about 11 days.

Jessica

Manythings....

2006-07-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

Well here goes, another post. Day 5. Of no compulsive overeating. Hm... What day of no Acting Out? Well that happens to also be 5. Just about ready to go to bed. So, cool.

Computer stuff. Take a look at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/index.php/ArmispianSystems:Computers:Gypsy to see what is going on on this machine. It's my personal machine. I think I've got some exciting things going on. Right now I'm streaming to myself. OK, not really that exciting, but it is to me. Some nice work with mastery that is going on with that. I don't have backlinks to the whole thing, but you can also look at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/ and work forward from there. Two story ideas started there. I note that I'm actually not putting a whole lot of risk by putting them publicly like that as they are licenced "Creative Commons-Attirbbution-Share Alike", so technically I'm allowing people to use it as long as they allow people to use what they create to do the same with it as I do.

What else, I went for a walk today. Yesterday I put more money on the camera, I'm now at $185 of Aproximately $950. I'd like to get a spare battery, and a few extra goodies, but that will come after I get the camera itself.

The walk today was really nice. It was the first time that I walked more or less my usual walk. Not quite, because the lake is too high still, and I walked back along the path instead of along the "beach" which really isn't a beach yet. But getting closer every time I go down there. I'd like to get down there about 5 times per week on average, a minimum of 3 times, aiming for 6. Still working on that.

I've been ripping CDs to my computer, and right now am listening to those ripped CDs through the computer. I'll back them up before I do anything with the computer major. I'll see how the whole thing works tomorrow. May have a working Windows 2000 partion by tomorrow night. It seems Windows 2000 won't work correctly on a qemu virtual machine.

That is about it for tonight. Short paragraphs tonight :)

Jessica

More stuff...

2006-07-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

Well I guess I'm now at the start of day 4. Yesterday wasn't good in terms of healthy ballanced eating, but it was good in terms of not compulsively overeating. So, yes I can say day 4. So far, today is looking better. Maybe should have a bit of a snack in a bit. Well, my plants are looking good. Well most of them. A couple I'm wondering if they'll survive the summer. I'll just have to wait and see, and if they don't well that's two pots that I have for when I want to add more plants to my collection.

I'm thinking of applying to the one (and I think only one) housing co-op in Nelson. There may be other similar situations, I don't know. Something I can afford that is healtier than living in this place. Maybe even have a little more space for myself. I haven't got it all together yet though, and it could be a long waiting list. But as I've lived more than 3 years in this place, I figure I can keep it up until I can get into the place I think best suits my needs. Sure I won't be close to downtown. That's not such a big deal. I'm a short walk (15 minutes) from downtown from that location, and that's close enough. And I'd have a good reason to have a bike too.

I guess that's it for now. I'm going to put some more money down for my Camera. That gets me well on my way. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll be able to put the same amount down again. Then again in 3 weeks maybe actually purchase the camera. Yes it means going with out for some things. But that's workable. Maybe for August I'll be able to buy the other camera. Then be well on my way to getting my portfolio together.

Jessica

Abstenance.

2006-07-06T17:04:00.000-07:00

Or however you spell it. Oh look a little spell check thing. I could use that.

Yesterday I did not eat compulsively. I'm not sure what got me through. It just worked that way. So far today has been the say. Can it be that I can actually string two days together of abstenance? That would be really cool. I don't know when the last time that I got two days with no compulsive eating in... It could have been a long time ago.

Well, I think I'll leave it at that for now. I journaled 2 pages last night before going to bed. Felt good to write about things going well. So, I kept writing.

Jessica

Paedophilia

2006-07-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

OK, and probably some other stuff.

I recieved a spam message that pointed to some child pornography. I don't know why I followed it, I know I should have stayed away, but I was currious. ``Is this really child pornography''. The answer was a very clear yes. It really bothers me that this arrived in my mailbox. Has my email address gotten on some list of paedophiles? Quite possibly. And, yes, quite possibly precicely because I'm a paedophile. I don't act on the thoughts and feelings. At least not recently. And I've never had dirrect sexual contact with a child. I have had sexual communication, and I have looked at child pornography. I've walked a fine line. Probably have even crossed over that line at times. I want to get away from that line, but I don't know how. There used to be a Sex Addicts Anonymous group in Nelson. Right now, I can't find any information about it. Even online SAA is pretty limited. 4 online meetings a week that are officially recognised. I'm sure there are others. I really don't know why there isn't more support out there. It's partially because of the topic. I just know I've looked for help in a number of places at a number of times, and have found it really difficult to get the help that I need. Still. I know that I have to deal with the sex adiction.

Now that I think about it, I think that there are people I know who actually said something about belonging to SAA. Which means to me, that maybe it's not as quiet as I think it is. Maybe just not wanting to be too public about it, as there are lots of reasons that a person might be voyueristic with regards to a SAA meeting. I know some sex adicts would just love to go to a SAA meeting. Not to abstain from sexual addiction, but to engage that addiction. Then there are others that will want to come to attack people. So, yes, there are reasons to hide it. And who knows, maybe there isn't the support there. It's not an addiction that people accept as a geneuine addiction.

And yes, that is one of the reasons I'm not going into the SSW program. One of them. There are others, which to me are more important. Still, that is a very big one. And I've always felt that I could deal with that on my own. Alas, it seems that may not be the case. And, I also don't have the support to deal with it with the help of others at this time.

So, well, I'll leave that there.

Jessica

Quietness and pain...

2006-07-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

I woke up in the morning with a really sore back. Actually went to bed with a really sore back. It got worse over night, and then continued to fluctuate through the day, getting worst around 14:00. I know that I just need to start taking better control of things. Maybe I'll go for a swim tomorrow. I'm going to head to bed soon. Got a few things to do.

I'm back in Nelson. It was nice to have a couple of days away. Almost exactly 48 hours. A little more. Had lunch at the Main Street Diner. They have a nice menu, with some nice Greek dishes on it. I'd like to say that today was a good day eating. It wasn't. That's OK. there always is the next 24 hours. This weekend I ate a lot of meat. I might go back to that. I just wish I could do vegetarian. It's just that vegetarian protein is harder to digest, and it takes more thinking to figure out what you're going to eat when it comes to getting ballanced complete protein.

I guess I took a break from entering this. That's pretty much my day. I slept a good part of the afternoon, and into the evening. Letting my back settle. Going to take some Tylenol right now, and get some sleep.

Jessica

Hit counter statistics...

2006-07-02T03:22:00.000-07:00

I have almost 50 hits to today. This is about a week into the time that this has been up. It looks like if I don't post, I don't get the hits. That's totally understandable. What I find interesting (and it only shows me the top, not what percentage that top is, and what the second from the top is, etcetera) is that Microsoft is the top browser and top OS. With Internet Exploder 6.x and Windoze XP respectively. I try to avoid both of these products myself, and highly recomend that people use alternatives if possible. All of my clients are using something different, the most mainstream one is using Windoze 2000 Proffesional, and Mozilla Firefox, and Thunderbird. I have a like for Firefox and Thunderbird. I also use Opera for some things, but have grown to like the Mozilla products, thus prefer them for my own use.

With the way that this web counter is showing up, I'm thinking maybe I want to see if I can create my own web counter that maintains all of the statistics I would like. The exact count of number of pages etcetera. I think I can do this. It will take some time. The basic text counter will work fairly quickly. The graphical components it will take me some time to work on. Very important components to my portfolio I think.

Jessica

Lots of stuff...

2006-07-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

I've not blogged in a long time. Been really busy, and not taking the time to blog. Still have not had a day free of compulsive overeating. Maybe tomorrow will be day one for me. This would be totally great if that were the case. I have been working on the new computer tonight. You can look at some of what is there by going to http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/. Some things I want to keep from public view. Currently those are being kept from public view by moving them in and out of the htdocs dirrectory.

I've been in Rossland for a while. I came by the noon bus from Nelson. Dad picked me up in Trail. I dropped off a roll of film at Doel Photo. I like the results I get from them better than the results that I get from Vogue Studios. That may be who is doing the printing, the printing process, or even just the different paper that is used. It might be ``better'' from Vogue, but I'm used to what I get from Doel, so I'll stick with that. I have as of yet not tried to get prints from the same negatives from both places. It could be I take poor quality rolls to Vogue, and good quality rolls to Doel.

What else. Well I see I haven't blogged since Tuesday. My dead worm bin, has started to show signs of life. Unfortunately, the signs of life when you have dead animal flesh. That is magots. I'm kind of happy about this, my bin isn't dead, and kind of upset, aren't you suposed to freak out totally when you get magots in your house? I'm tending more towards happy, neutral. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm weird. I think that having nature do it's thing in my own little appartment is just amazing. Mind you, I was never happy about mice. So I'll see if I start to feel the same way about maggots. I doubt it, I've had magots in the past, with no ill effects.

Being very non-Buddhist I setup 3 fly paper traps for the flies. I hope that we obtain nirvana together. With the rate of reincarnation of flies in my appartment, that might just be really soon :). I know it's not the most ethical solution, but it's pretty practical, they die fairly quickly (I've yet to see a fly struggling on fly paper), and it doesn't put chemicals in my appartment that will harm me, my worms, or anything else that is living in my appartment that isn't getting attached to it. I set those up Friday. Before I left for Rossland.

I've been going to a lot of online meetings of Overeaters Anonymous. Sometimes as many as 4 meetings in one day. Today I managed to log in just as a meeting was starting. The meeting was very informal because there was no formal leader, but we had a good meeting. I said things that got me thinking. I need to work on my practice some more. Part of that includes my public dharma study at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/index.php/Buddhism. I want to start adding stuff there. I also want to start doing more DBT work than I have been doing. Getting things back on track. Moving towards things working better for me.

What happened? Oh on Wednsday I had a big binge. I had a bit of a discussion about what my supervisior considers assault and what she plans on doing about it. This scared the shit out of me. She said (but not expicately) that if I or anyone else touches a person in trying to remove, or otherwise handle a person she will pursue charges against that person. And this includes all kinds of thing beyond just touching a person. My Borderline Personality Disorder makes it very difficult for me to express anger apropriately. This means that at times when I feel I have no other outlet, I may act in violent ways. Which, personally I don't think should be ignored. But it also scares the shit out of me that I'm being asked to do the job that I'm being asked to as the Resident Night Manager Support Staff (my official title), while having my ability to use physicial force in extream situations away from me, while not providing me with other tools.

Maybe Leslie is just saying that to scare people into ``beahaving better''. If that's the case (and I'm not going to test it until I feel safe that to do so would not jepordise my own well being) I think that she really should consider where that's coming from. If she really means what she was saying, then I can no longer believe that she really understands what social justice is. Yes acting in a violent way is contrary to social justice, but when the system doesn't give you a way to respond that is even listened to besides that, then maybe acting in a violent way is the most skillfull means that you have available to you. I know that she doesn't have the resources to do workshops on obtaining social justice. Though, when I think about it, there are certain resources that she does have available to her, and that is having a space where a half dozen or so people can meet that is relatively quiet and relatively private, having time that that space can be used, having people who live in the building who believe strongly in social justice. Yes, more tools would be desirable, but you know, this is the start of something. She doesn't have to organise things, but I personally think that if she were willing to open to this oportunity, and start the ball rolling, she might get a core group that are interested in social justice and working for it within the building.

Maybe I'm wrong. But I think I'm not the only person who is willing to put things in to help the wellfare of all people in the building. I often wonder though. People often are very self focused in that building. It's hard not to be. Would people be willing to shift their focus if they saw others willing to do the same? Maybe. Maybe I should see if I can get the ball rolling regarding that. Though I also think of myself when I think about that. Do I have the energy to do anything in that regards? I know that I have not got the energy to be very involved in Pride. So, another project? I really don't know.

I've been dealling with being very triggered around food issues. I can leave something, let it pass, but it doesn't mean that it's dealt with. But maybe it's not something that can be changed. The question is, how much effort am I willing to put into something before I say that it can't be changed. And what do I really want to do with that. There are a lot of things in the building that at best would take a huge effort to change. Or, I could make the less extream effort of moving. I'm planning on looking into some of my options for moving. There might be some situations that are not more expensive that provide a safer living envirionment, that mostly only take time to get into. One person, and one person only, actually suggested some ideas as to moving. Maybe other people don't think of these ideas. Maybe other people just believe really strongly that making decisions when in crisis is ``just wrong'', that they don't care what the situation is, they won't help a person make that kind of decision while the person is in crisis.

Yes, I want to move. I can't afford much more than I currently pay. I just want some place that is safer for me. That doesn't draw in the drug user crowd, that believes in colaboratively developing policy and it actually happening that way. That people living there really want to make it a safe place to live, and willing to put some effort into doing just that. And where, when nescesary people can be banned from the building when their meer presence in the building is detrimental to the safety of people. Where it doesn't take a restraining order or something before such action is taken.

I know I've said a lot. I also know there is a lot more that is going through my head right now. I'm going to see how the sleep thing works out for me tonight.

Jessica

Dead worm bin...

2006-06-27T02:12:00.000-07:00

I have killed a bin full of worms. The other bin looks good. I'm hoping that by letting the dead worm bin breath it will recover over time. Right now it's kind of stinky. Not stinky as in overpowering, but stinky as in more smelly than usual. I had the two bins stacked, and I think maybe the lower bin didn't get enough air, and the worms suffocated. I'm hoping that there are viable eggs in there that will recover. Worst case scenario, the whole bin contents gets dumped, maybe into the compost in Rossland. I think I want to keep an eye on this, and see how it goes. If it's really bad, I can dump the whole bin into the garbage bin in the alley. I think the heat may have been a contributing factor. As soon as it started smelling I should have checked it. In fact, I should have clued in when the worms started to leave the bin. Well, the ones that didn't get into the new bin, are now, to the best of my knowledge dead. I'll see how this whole thing goes.

Jessica

Binging, not eating, meeting with P'Nina, etcetera

2006-06-27T00:28:00.000-07:00

I didn't post last night. I had a rough night. Around 23:00 I had someone knock on my door to deal with a situation that went on in our building last night. I could have asked her to talk to Tom the other night manager, I decided that I wanted to deal with it myself. I don't know, several factors involved there. 1) Tom appeared to be sleeping, 2) I was definately awake, and willing to deal with it, 3) I felt that Tom wouldn't do as thorough a job, 4) I wasn't sure if Tom knew proper sharps procedure (damn I wish I just picked those up with my fingers (wearing gloves), but was following the procedure as I know it), 5) I don't know what kind of report Tom would write. In short, I thought I was the better person to do the job. But did I do it for the right reasons? I really don't know.

Before that, I had a binge in the evening. I went to the Sadhana of Mahamudra http://www.philashambhala.org/public_html/Sadhana.shtml last night after I had binged. This is an important practice for me. While it is a Vajrayana practice it apparently is one that anyone can participate in. There must be some reasoning for this. I haven't pursued why this may be. I find this practice to be truely magical.

Ah, but further back. I wanted to make myself a salad for dinner, but I didn't have enough vinegar for the salad (probably did, but I like lots of vinegar), so I went to Extra Foods to buy some balsamic vinegar. Well I couldn't find any, I got (in order of things I shouldn't have got, to things that are OK), some dark chocolate almond bark (right off the list), some hummus, some rye bread, and some rice vinegar (I think there was another item, but can't think of it. On the way home I started to eat the almond bark (it's all gone now), and decided that I might as well binge. I also still hadn't got the balsamic vinegar I was looking for. I was really hitting the almond bark hard, was walking and eating it, this is not something that is a good thing for me.

I then went to Darwins to look for some balsamic vinegar. I thought of going there first, but Extra Foods would probably be cheaper if I were to find what I was looking for there, and they might just have some bread that I can eat. Got there, I'm seriously craving chips. I decide that I'll buy some. Not my usual 3 bags, but just one bag. Getting out of the store I try to tear open the bag, it's not easy, still work on it, and get it open, start eating chips on my way home. Continue eating chips until I get home, decide that the chips will go really nicely with the hummus so open up the hummus, eat the whole container (about a pound) with the chips (the whole bag). Still not satisfied, I get back into the almond bark. I know roughly how much I've just eaten. This is calorie dense food. Probably over 2000 callories (the hummus and chips were I believe 1555 callories, and I ate a fair amount of almond bark as well). I decide I need to talk to someone. I don't have a sponser, so I call Jessica. She's eating, so I ask her to call back when she's done eating. She says that if she doesn't call me, for me to call her. We agree with that. That will work. I've broken the binge process.

I then decide to see if I can find an online meeting. I find one, but the timing isn't right, but another one will be starting up soon, so I go and I log in. Catch the end of one meeting. Then I start thinking about the Sadhana of Mahamudra, and realise that I can go, and this will really help me a lot. Community, building the spiritual, and emotional strength. Even the physicial strength. I still hadn't eaten anything good and ballanced at this point. I remember I had something earlier, I think miso soup with kamut soba, but well to be honest, that's what I ate all day yesterday. Probably not bad calorie wise all day. But nutrition wise, I really missed out.

When I got back, I decided to call my parents, or maybe I'd already called them, not sure, but in the end I talked to them, they had a lovely trip to visit with my sister. They were home safely, they even picked up the dog. I think that was after the Sadhana. I talked to my dad, said I'd have a shower and go to bed. Well eventually I got to bed, and I did have a shower at that time. So, well I guess I kind of did the letter of what I said. But the intent was to get to bed shortly after the shower. Well it was after 05:00 that I got to bed. I caught the 07:00 EDT meeting online. That was really good, also really painful. I also did a lot on the computer, eventually this evening getting MediaWiki up on the server. This is great, the last time I had an old version of TWiki up, and this seems like a good way to go, I understand this is the same software that runs Wikipedia so it's well tested (though not sure what modifications they've made there.

But, I should have been sleeping. Not staying up all night...

I went to see my Case Manager this morning at 11:00. She was late as usual, I don't know how late, I really didn't care. We mostly talked about the disordered eating. She said that this was new to her. I had thought we'd talked about it in the past, but maybe not. And if so, it would have been more of the nature of "I binged last night" than actually going into any details. It's been a long time thing for me. Eating a whole 1kg bag of perogies, with butter and sour cream was my usual binge. Well now I'm avoiding wheat, and cow milk products (I'll eat goat and sheep milk products, they seem OK so far), so that doesn't work any more. Which is good. Not only is that a huge amount of calories, that's also a lot of bulk. That's the kind of thing I throw up after. We did talk a bit about the school stuff. I want to talk to her more about it, but that's really not pressing. The disordered eating is pressing. It's also very painful. I think that I really can't at this time go beyond the third step, maybe even just take some serious look at the first step. See where that takes me. I also have to really look at the second and third step in terms of how I will work it with my Buddhist practice. I think that it's the wording, more than the intent that really bothers me, the word "God" capitalised and "Him" capitalised can't get me out of thinking that they refer to the Jeudeo-Christian God. Sure it says "As we know Him", but I really can't help but think that it's the God of the Bible, which really doesn't work for me.

P'Nina gave me some homework. I couldn't figure out what to look at first, but I was going through with trying to clean up my appartment. Without any prompting from me, that's exactly what P'Nina said. She said "spend 15 minutes, or half an hour cleaning your appartment on three days between now and our next meeting". I agreed I could do half an hour for three days in the next week and a half. Today I spent about half an hour doing just that. 25 minutes of being pretty intense on it, then a break, then some more time. Probably more than half an hour, especially if I consider doing dishes part of that time.

After doing that, I went and picked up my meds. They got them right this time. That's really nice, makes things easier. In fact, I got a call from the pharmacy this morning to ask me what I wanted them to do with them. Ie. what would be getting them right for me. Pretty easy call, just make sure that they know where I'm at, when I'll be starting my meds, and damn it, they got it right. And, so far it's probably been about 6 weeks that I have taken my meds without missing any. That's pretty good for me. And they're working for me.

That's about it. Got a phone call from Robin about some technical advice that I could give her. She then gave my number to someone so that we could talk dirrectly to each other, and it all worked out. I'm not sure if Robin knows about that yet. Well I'm almost certain that she doesn't. I'm trying to get the group blog going on Positive Body, but it seems that is as of yet not working (Robin is not a member yet for some reason), I'd like to get someone as a member, and be sure that it's available that way. There are other options for this, maybe we can look at other service providers, but I do like the way Blogger presents the blogs. But I can also setup blogging software on my own server, if that would work better. I don't know if it would. Blogging while relatively simple on the outside, can be rather difficult to setup to be as easy as something like Blogger, or LiveJournal.

Hm. Oh right, I went to the Open House, and the Shambhala Centre tonight. That was great. It was really hot, but I got through that, it cooled down through the sit, and I watched the whole video tonight. We'll see how that whole series goes. I'm glad it's happening. I'd like to get in on the reading for the series, but so far I haven't found either of the books in my appartment. I'm almost certain they are both here though. I think at least one is in my loft reading pile. That will hopefully be something I find in my going through my apartment and getting it back in shape. Looks a lot better with only the half hour that I put in today.

Jessica

Hit counter added to sidebar

2006-06-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

I just added a hit counter to the sidebar. It ignores my hits. Which probably are at this time the most frequent IP that it recieves hits from. So, as of this post, the counter is sitting at 0. Lets see how many hits I get.

Jessica

Working, Sleeping, eating...

2006-06-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

Keeping it simple today. I worked today. So I didn't venture far from the building, as I don't want to leave the building without staff close by. I guess if I did leave and the building did burn down or something like that it's not such a huge deal. It's not likely to happen. Nor is much likely to happen anyway. Had I been totally outside the building, down by the lake all day, no one would have really noticed. It's been a quiet day, and, that means I just say that it was a quiet day in the log. Still have to wait until Morning before checking out for the day. I have tomorrow off which is nice. Though not really sure how I'm going to spend it. Would like to go sit on the beach in the dog park, but there currently is no beach in the dog park. I suspect none anywhere within walking distance. The lake is too high.

I slept quite a bit today. I can't recall when I slept though. I know in the afternoon after my first round of the building I slept, and I slept most of the morning. Maybe that's it. The heat really gets to me.

I did reasonably well, binged out a bit on pita. Spelt, not regular wheat. I was thinking that there probably is a connection between addiction and alergies/sensitivities. I don't know. Wheat is a big trigger for me, but somehow other grains even spelt and kamut are not so much triggers. I can, and often do (when I'm not avoiding wheat), eat a whole bagguete. That's an aweful lot of grains, and an aweful lot of something that triggers binges, and alergic type reactions.

I applied to the Multimedia Production and Design program. I need to write a letter of intent. Maybe include my resume with that. And I need to develop a portfolio. That may be the difficult thing. Everything looks so simple when other people show me how to do it, but then when I try to do it for myself it seems so much more difficult.

That's about it for today I think. So, well off I go.

Jessica

I stare? It's an aggresive stare?

2006-06-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

This morning I got told that I am always staring at a person. Hm, yes, the words were ``You always stare at me'', OK, now something here imediately catches my attention. That simply isn't true. I may stare at the person, may stare at them a great deal. But certainly not always. And I have a suspicion it may have some cultural context. I call it making eye contact, acknowleding the presence of another person. She calls it staring and agressive. Of course I was really questioning that today. And probably will be for the next few days. But then I think I'll get back to my normal state, feel comfortable making eye contact. More often (much much much more often) I get people commenting on the fact I don't make eye contact, that I always look down, and that doing so shows low self esteeme. I'm not really sure that this is the case. Yet I think it has more truth to it than that I'm an agressive person. And that I stare agressively. It's a very interesting situation. I could go and judge her as insecure, etcetera etcetera. But you know, right now that's just a small part of it, most of it's about me. Or maybe more about the whole interaction. Honestly looking at the interpersonal effectiveness skills, the only priority I can have with this person is to maintain my self respect. Which means I feel no desire to appologise. If I felt I wanted to maintain the relationship then that would probably be an issue. Yet, I don't think there is a relationship there to keep really.

One thing that did really hit me out of the OA material is that I am finding more and more, that my individualistic nature is really becoming a barrier for me. Yet this is exactly what this culture preaches. And it's exactly what I want to be very careful about not building too strong an individualistic attitude. I try, and in some cases I very much succeed, in developing a collective type attitude. Other situations I just can't help but seperate myself from ``them others''. Setting up walls, setting up barriers.

What else of importance happened? I got some money from the bank so I could get some food, and well I did get some food, but now I have no money in the bank. I've decided that I can pull some money from my money jar. It's for emergencies, but I get money on Wednsday, and that means I can put the money back when I get the money.

I'm hungry, but I'm going to go to bed, I think that an apple will go really well tonight.

Jessica

Positive Body blog

2006-06-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

I just created a shared blog about positive body image. Well, yeah that's about right. I created it because Robin my dissability worker at Selkrik College suggested such a blog, and have invited her over. I'd like to be able to invite some other people, and possibly have another admin person or two. This would make it so that processing of anything technical will be processed faster, and maybe some people have some people that they would like to see receive an invitation, to the blog (for example Robin, or Jessica might have people they would like to invite to the blog). Here is the post of the blog, and it should come up with all links propperly handled.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Intorduction to positive body

This is a blog about positive body image. It was created as a shared blog. Anyone who wants to join the blogging community here can contact me at jrasku@armispiansystems.ca or post a comment on this blog. This blog also has a mail list of the posts and comments (not guaranteed to be clean, but everything that gets posted on the blog should show up there) at mailman at Armispiansystems. This blog was created out of a conversation with my dissability worker at Selkirk College, and now it's here.

Jessica

posted by Jessica Koala | 10:42 AM | 0 comments links to this post

From my friends page on LiveJournal.

2006-06-23T01:55:00.000-07:00

Jessica Rasku (jrasku) wrote,
@ 2006-06-23 01:47:00

Note: All copied and pasted from dmmaus except for the sentence:

I don't normally copy these things, but the result for this one was too amusing not to post.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you!

The result:

Children can do this in the last half of the second year.

School and other stuff...

2006-06-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

It's taking a while to get to this. I just keep distracting myself. I know that writing this is going to be painful. To start off with, I didn't compusively over eat today. I think I under ate. That's OK, I can afford to loose the weight.

That somehow isn't quite right. Oh well. Onwards. I tried to get up at 07:00, that was not exactly when my body wanted to get up. I did get up at 07:30 though, and got to Oso to meet with Robin, to go to Castlegar. We had some really good conversation on the way to Castlegar. She is a really great person to talk to. We talked about a number of things. Mentioned that my dealing with food is pretty much in my blog. We talked about some of the healing type stuff she's doing, and some of the healing type stuff that I'm doing. Looking at the Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT (one word, not three letters)) Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life Authors: Steven Hayes, Spencer Smith
is the book I looked briefly at this morning.

We then talked a bit about what we were going to talk about with Deb. A pre-briefing sort of thing. I felt pretty good with this. Felt like I knew what was coming. Not quite sure that I really did know what was coming. Then Robin gave me a couple of books to look at. One regarding Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) and depression and anxiety comorbitity. I really got into the book about ACT. It felt like it was providing something that I could really connect with. The DBT for Depression and Anxiety (I think that's the title) book I had difficulty with the writing style, and I'll admit, I had difficulty with the re-working of DBT. Not that I don't think that it's a good idea to use for other conditions than Borderiline Personality Disorder (BPD), just that even though there was some real acknowledgement of the source (Masha Linehan), it really did not do justice to the original work. To me, it was a ``lesser'' Skills Training Manual, which I found a little difficult to take. Though, it's more accessable in some senses.

I read some of that material. Sat around for a little bit. Looked through the Castlegar News. There was a nice digital photography thing that was included in the advertising inserts. I'm looking at getting a digital SLR camera, for proffessional work. I was thinking Pentax, but it doesn't seem that Pentax has a true proffessional digital SLR, so am now thinking probably of either Canon, or Nikon. This information becomes more relevant later I think. Went a little before (about 5 minutes) the 11:00 meeting time, and met Robin in her office.

I met with Robin and Deb in Robin's office. I was really willing to admit that I felt that the process will bring up a lot of emotional stuff, and it actually did do exactly that. There was a point that Deb said that she wasn't feeling like she was expressing herself well, and was having a difficult time. I later told her that I really appreciated that. After I had relaxed a bit myself. I think on a couple of times I mentioned that I wasn't processing the information very well, and I think overall the meeting went pretty well. I have almost come to the conclusion that I will not be able to do the Social Service Worker Certificate Program (SSW program) at this time. I have recieved the letter that Deb said she would get to me before the end of the day. I am kind of glad that I did not have that in front of me to distract me.

I really feel like I did a good job of attending to both Robin, and Deb. I think that I would like to ask both of them how they felt I did in regards to that. Maybe they didn't pay attention to that. I don't know. I think that context is very important for me. When I'm listening I tend to keep good eye contact, tend to be good with attending to what is being said, and generally have pretty good skills with dealing with the interaction. When I am sharing something, especially something that is painful, I find it very difficult to keep eye contact. I find that it's easier to handle the emotional content if I don't maintain eye contact through the emotional stuff. Which makes me wonder if maybe while I was going through the real emotional turmoil, if I was not maintaining eye contact. I know afterwords I certainly was.

I then talked to Robin a bit about the whole process. We talked for about 10 minutes, we'd already talked for about an hour before this meeting, and an hour in this meeting. I felt that we were really making good progress.

I then went to the administration office to ask a couple of questions. I got a course calendar for next year. I'm looking at right now possibly taking the Multimedia Design and Production, then leading into a International Digital Film. But, to get into the Multimedia Design and Production, I would have to have a portfolio. I don't have one now. Also, I would really like to have the equipment that is requested for the program well in advance so that I can work with it, and start developing my skills with that equipment. This would probably be at least a couple thousand dollars worth of equipment. Especially as I ideally would like to go into the International Digital Film with the equipment that would work well for that as well.

Menwhile, I think I will probably start taking some second year corses, probably focusing on the Psychology. There are 6 second year psychology courses that I can take. I would like to get 4 or 5 of them this next year. I suspect that I can fairly safely get 4, and depending on how that works out, I may try to get that 5th one in the winter term.

Then I came home. Well no, I didn't come home. I decided that I would check out the digital SLR cameras. I had been thinking of a Pentax, but all Pentax digital SLR cameras currently have a 6.1 Mega Pixel rating. which according to Canon is good for printing up to 13x19. Which is a nice size. But then when you look at the actual image size in pixels, that is 3072x2048. I would like to print at at least 600dpi, preferably 720dpi, which means, this would be 3x5 or 2x4, which really to me is not enough resolution for proffesional photography. Great for web pages and such, but if I want to print these pictures, I feel that I want them to print at a resolution that I can't tell the difference between film, and digital without a magnifying glass. For now, this resolution will work for me. In the future it may not. So I have almost decided that I want to get a Canon. It seems to be the camera system that provides me with the most options, and the longest time that it will be usable. And, it provides me with something somewhat better resolution wise than the Pentax, at a marginal increase in price. Other features I'm not entirely sure about. I do know that I will find this out when I get my hands on the camera. I suspect that it does have most (if not all) of the features that would make me think differently. The one feature I'd like to see, but is only available on Olympus cameras, and that isn't much different a camera than the Pentax cameras, is the automatic dust reduction of the CMOS in the body when lenses are changed. Great if I'm changing lenses frequently. Not nescesary otherwise.

I also looked at some information about digital video recorders. I don't know what price range to look at for that. I have seen them in the price range of $300 to $3000. I'm almost certain that I do not want to look at a $300 camera, but I'm not sure I need to spend $3000 on a camera. Presonally, I think I would probably be looking at around $1000 for a camera that I'd be happy with, maybe not ``indefinately'', but until I can afford to purchase one that is higher end than that (like $3000). Looking at what is available in that range, I would have to say that this does seem like a good price range for me to be looking at.

Then I came home. I was hungry. I decided that I wanted to make a salad. But the bowl I make salad in is in the freezer (not now, but then) with food for my worms. So I decid I'll feed my worms. But first I need to suck out some of the extra water that is in the bottom of the bin. Hm, another time consuming process. Well no problem, we'll do that. I setup my bin to do just this. Then I realise I should eat before I do this, so I am juggling getting worm juice out of my worm bin, and getting dinner. Why? No idea. I just want to get that worm juice out of my bin as fast as possible. So I'm doing this, cutting up some tomatoes cleaning cutting boards, finding out that I burnt my window sill when I put the pot of quinoi and lentls on it, burnt it through the flexible cutting board that I put the pot on top of. I haven't looked at the bottom of the pot yet, or tried to clean it. I should do that now, as I didn't do dishes last night. So now I'm down one cutting board, and I have a burnt spot on my windowsill which I need to deal with, because the wood needs to be protected.

Ate my lovely tomato salad. Came back to my appartment (I like to eat in the company of others when possible, it helps somewhat with the compulsive over eating, though I have had big binges in the presence of others). The place is a mess. I now clean up the worm juice to the best of my ability, put too food in, which has now thawed out nicely. Realising that it's worth the time to cut up my worm food into reasonable sized chunks. I prefer feeding them that, and I really don't want to find whole onions that are even worse off than when I put them in in my bin (which is exactly what I found in my bin today). It's the first thing I found that I decided it's better to do things right the first time, in the long run it saves time. The second thing was taking my power suply out of my laptop bag, and deciding that I really should have put it in properly, because it would have come out so much nicer.

I called Margo, talked to her a bit, and didn't get a chance to talk to my sister or parents. That's about it for today.

Oh, time I started this was 9:59, it is now 1:33. Three and a half hours roughly to get through posting this. And this, I think was a really good day. Want to sleep in tomorrow, but only until about 10:00. Maybe sleep a bit durring the day. I really don't know.

Jessica

More food, more stressing over school...

2006-06-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

School's over until September, yet, somehow I've not been able to get myself to stop stressing over this meeting that I'm having tomorrow. I did get out for a walk. Took a roll of film which I may scan some pictures of. I'd like a scanner for this computer, but I really don't have the space, and I can probably get a digital body for my lenses (well one lens) which to me is a really good option.

I had an icecream cone on my way back up from my walk. I was down by the lake, took three panarama photos of the 180 degree view of the lake. The airport is in the other portion, that's not all that intersting. I'll probably not get the pictures developed for a week, maybe more. Which gets me thinking about the other pictures. Oh, I want to get that digital body. The pictures that I took this afternoon in the building I'm not sure are much value in a week's time. Just some basic doccumentation pictures, but what good are they if they are over a week after the time that I actually took them. Well, I guess had I had any reason to think that they needed to be developed imediately I would get them done imediately. Thankfully they are on the begining of the roll of film.

After that, I had a nap. About 2 hours. I didn't think about the overeaters anonymous when I went to lie down, so I forgot to set an alarm. That turned out to be OK. I did get to go to the meeting, and I was the second person there. There were only two of us. I'm still not sure about the 12 step model. Still, I think that I have to give it a try. Maybe if I can suggest a re-wording of those that use the word God (capitalised) to use higher power I'd be able to not cringe every time I hear that. Not only is God capitalised, but so is He and Him, and both are clearly male pronouns.

I came home and put on a pot of lentils and quinoa. I burnt them (hm, right, that's when that happened that I took the pictures in the building, because I burnt them). I managed not to set off the smoke alarm. Either of them. I ate a large bowl of them. Felt really full. More than comfortably full. And I've been looking for food to eat ever since. I ate a bag of snow peas, or some other type of edible pod peas. They were lovely. I didn't wash them, and they needed to be washed. And, I really should have resisted. Still. I ate them. They were yummy. And it was healthy. So that's good.

I know that I have to work on getting a food plan together. Trying to decide what, and how much I can comfortably eat. What won't trigger me. Eating too much triggers me. Though raw fruits and vegies seem to be satisfying enough to break that. I'll see how that goes tomorrow.

Wish me luck. I've got to get up in about 6 hours. That is stressing me. But it works well, in about 12 hours I will be pretty clear on a number of things that I have been waiting to be clear on. I'll see how it goes.

There was something else... Hm... What was it... Can't remember. Well, now I do. I fed my worms today. I want to try to get myself a nice turkey baster. Hm, maybe I could get a large syringe, or maybe a few tomrorrow. Something that I can suck out the large amount of water that has accumulated in the bottom of the bin. I had to do this before today, last time I put food in I wanted to get some of that water out. But right now it's really getting full. More so than the worms will be happy with. I have to do something about that. I also cleaned out my fridge, and more than the amount of food I put in, I collected out of my fridge. When I get the baster I'll be able to put some more food in. I'm thinking of starting another bin. Right now I'm putting in more food than they can handle. A second bin will help with that. This bin probably should be given some time to just rest. I'll see what I can do. Maybe I can get another bin started.

I'm really overeating, binging even at times, and what's happening? I'm feeding food that I haven't been able to eat before it's gotten to the state that I won't eat it. Sure I could. But it's unapatising. I'll see how I do with this last bin. I hope that it works much better.

Well that's it for today. Will post more tomorrow I know. Thanks for reading, whoever you are that are reading.

Jessica

Catching up...

2006-06-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

I didn't blog yesterday. I think that's a fair way to put it. I'm not too keen on the term blog, but it's a useful word, nice and short, and has a pretty specific meaning. There's a lot going on right now. Yesterday ... well lets go back to Monday night after I blogged...

Monday night I had a binge just before bed. I can't remember what I ate, but I think that was when I finised off the dates that I had, finished off the bread that I had, and then still had the apple. Which was very comforting. The other stuff was trying to make myself feel better, or something, the apple just gave me some focus. I've started eating apples (one a day usually) just before bed. It's become part of my ritual for going to bed. It means not going to bed hungry, but still not giving in to the desire to eat a lot at that time of day. An apple is just the perfect size. Take the sticker off, wash in cold water (don't want to warm the apple up), take my meds, eat my apple, journal, go to bed. Something like that. Oh, there's tea in there as well.

Now to yesterday. I went to Salmo to watch the movie that I am in for the second time. It's called Stigma Stories, it's about stigma, based on personal experience with stigma. My mum and dad got to see it this time. They seemed to like it. I found it very powerful, and very difficult. I want to be able to watch it at least one more time. I probably will. I really found it dificult to watch. It brought up a lot of pain for me. Not quite as much as I'm going through right now.

Speaking of right now, I'm really going through a lot tomorrow I'm going to meet with Robin and Deb, Robin is the dissability worker at Selkirk College, Deb is the current program co-ordinater of the Social Service Worker Program at Selkirk College. This is going to be difficult for me. What am I going to do now to deal with it? Eat, and go for a walk with a fresh roll of film in my camera. I'll probably post again later. I know I'll post pretty soon after I meet with Deb and Robin.

Oh, one more thing, I'm going to an overeaters anonymous meeting this evening. That's going to be my first meeting. I'll see how it goes. I'm not so sure about the 12 step process though. But the support probably is a good thing.

Jessica

Surprise visit to the dentist...

2006-06-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired, not entirely sure why, but it may just be that it's time to catch up on sleep.

My day...

I got called at 8:15 by the dentist's office to tell me that there was an opening at 8:30 for me to get a filling done. Now this was a surprise, I could make it so I went for it. Great, worked out well. Except...

What happened is when I got home I really didn't want to do anything because my mouth just felt horrible. I couldn't drink anything properly (thankfully I took my meds before going), and I felt like I was totally sluring my speach and everything. And, I was tired. So I went and lay down for several hours. 5 hours later my mouth finially was feeling normal again. But, I felt a little tingle while the filling was being put in, so this is really a good thing. Better than leaving and not ever going back. The dentist is slowly replacing my mercury amalgam fillings with tooth coloured composite fillings. I think this is a good thing.

I ate, I ate sensibly. Today was good that way. I didn't eat any cookies at the Shambhala Centre http://www.nelsonbuddha.com/ which was really amazing. Mind you I know what will happen if I eat sugar, so I don't. Still I had chocolate milk today and that didn't get me binging, but it was also trying to get my blood sugar up quickly, and hopefully keep it up, so that might be why.

Now I need to figure out this sleep thing. Maybe not. Maybe just accept that I'm sleeping because I can, and that's reason enough.

Well, looks like I'm keeping it short tonight. It's late, and I want to get to bed very soon.

Jessica

Comments?

2006-06-18T23:35:00.000-07:00

I know that I respond to comments through the comments. I know that Live Journal handles this feature diffrently, and makes it easier to thread comments. But maybe flat comments work in certain situations as well. I just find some things aren't quite right with how Blogger does things. Still, I guess it's kind of young.

Jessica

Bingeing again...

2006-06-18T23:12:00.000-07:00

Not a big binge, as in, not over eating to the point of feeling sick. Just constant eating over a long period of time. It started about 18:00, and lasted several hours. Go eat something, get back, get something more to eat, eat, etcetera etcetera. I ate more dates today than a Muslim durring Ramadan. I'm exagerating yes, but I ate a whole lot of dates. Then I finially was able to stop. Don't feel good about that. I want to eat more so I feel better, but then I'll feel bad because I was doing emotional eating. This is getting crazy. I need to get some sleep.

Jessica

Wanting to go out, but I'm working...

2006-06-18T16:20:00.000-07:00

I want to go for a walk, not a long walk. I guess I could. I can take the cell phone and if anything comes up then someone can call me. But still, it's Sunday, I don't know where Tom is, but he's somewhere. Maybe even here. I probably would be gone for a couple of hours. But you know, maybe that would be a good thing. It would be good for me, but I don't know how the ``building'' would take it. I don't think I would want to do both Saturday and Sunday. Still, I guess I just want to get out. But I also want to sleep. But if I'm out walking, maybe taking some pictures, then that would mean I'm not thinking about sleep or food. Oh, I'm not sure I want to keep this job. It's been a real challange for me. That is a good thing. Just the idea of working where I live is starting to really grate on me.

I just added another blog to the ones that I follow. I can maybe expand my profile a bit. I'm not sure. I'm getting better at finding things to say.

Jessica

Sleeping, eating, answering the phone...

2006-06-17T22:06:00.000-07:00

I got up a little early today, about 09:00 or so. That's pretty good for when I don't have a whole lot to do in the day. My parents were coming at 10:00, so that gave me an hour to get ready, eat, take my meds, that kind of thing. Which turned out to be plenty of time. I decided that I needed to eat. Hey that's a good thing. So I made another bowl of miso soup with spelt soba. Ate that, still haven't figured out what the secret ingredient is. Oh, I think I just did, I haven't been putting any dulse in it lately. Dulse is so yummy. Most seaweeds are.

I then had time to take my meds, and do a bit of reading of the newspaper. There are some really good pictures of the flood that are in the paper, I'll post them once I figure out how I'm going to get them in my computer. Then as I was taking my meds my mum called (first time I had to answer the phone). I changed my answering machine message, for a more temporary message, which I'm not sure I'm going to change back, and did a bit of dithering around my appartment, then went to the co-op to meet my parents. I got there a bit earlier than they did. I was picking up some apples when someone says they just saw them, and then about 2 minutes later they show up in the store.

I got some good food. And for some reason my keyboard is having trouble with the double o. Maybe it's how I'm typing. Anyway got some cucumbers, apples, chocolate soy milk, a bay plant, some black eyed peas, some saurkraut, some pickles, some goat yoghurt, three types of cheese romano peccarino, sheep brie, goat gouda, some tempeh, some black eyed peas, some miso. I think that's about it. I stayed away from the potato chips and I'm so glad I did, I would have eaten them already. And I would have been beating myself up about eating them, which would make me want to eat another bag of them. That wouldn't be ``working'' for me. And well I've decided that I'm only going to get one type of chips, which is only available in one store that I know of in town. So, that makes it easier to avoid the whole chip binge thing.

I still have chocolate in my house. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not. I love it, but I usually can ration it quite nicely. And that's the thing. If it's not causing unhealthy eating patterns then it's not something that I need to be avoiding. And the chocolate isn't. Still, I don't respond well to sugar, and most chocolate is loaded with the stuff.

I just want to bitch and complain about my job a bit. I had a really nasty incident that happened here, I won't go any further into it, it was just ugly. Was kind of pissed about the fact that I can no-longer ignore these kinds of things. But then, I think I did the right thing. But what really pissed me off about my job was having people ask me to call my boss/co-worker (because she has the authority) because we had a thunderstorm. We had a hell of one on the 13th, but that was very unusual. So another thunder storm comes through. I'm told there is a flood warning. I check two diffrent sites that the flood warning should be on, and nope, no flood warning. They want me to do something. They want me to call the building manager. And if I can't get a hold of her, I probably should call someone else who has authority over her. I call my co-worker who is only one tiny step above me because he's suposed to be working 6 days a week, and me 1. This was one of his days.

They wouldn't listen to reason. The flood the rain lasted for about 10 minutes, and came quickly. Yesterday? Well the water was just barely running down the road. But no, a flood is coming, despite the fact that there is no flood warning for this area (there is one that passed about 1,000 km away and we wouldn't be in the storm path of a storm passing through there). They won't listen, they won't take action on their own volition. I'm acting based on the information I have, I'm telling them what I have for information, and that I'm acting based on that. But they'd rather be safe then sorry. But then these are the people that want a social worker on site 24/7, and to have the bathroom doors locked and that you have to request the key from the staff person who is here 24/7. We don't even have enough money to pay to have propper janatorial stuff done. The night managers get paid minimum wage for 5 hours a shift 7 shifts a week, and we're on call 24/7 and don't get any pay if we respond to an emergency outside of our shift time.

There are things I like about my job. Right now I'm working two shifts a week. That means an extra $80/week in money, that's really appreciated. I get to walk through the building twice a shift minimum. That's really nice to know what's going on. People like it when I take a firm stand about some infraction of the building policies. They just expect me to respond to every situation in the same way. Even if they are acting out of a paranoid delusion.

Another good thing, Jessica gave a friend of hers my number, because she was looking for a place to move into. Unfortunately the space won't work for her, it's too difficult to control her envirionment with how this place is setup. She sounded like a great person to have move into the building. Still, it's hard. We're looking for some good people to move in, but it's not a great place to live. Still if anyone knows of anyone who is looking for a place in Nelson either give me their number or give them my number. I'm probably the person most likely to know, who can respond quickly. My answering machine gets checked several times a day if I'm in Nelson, which is more than 90% of the time.

What else? Oh, back to today. OK, after finishing up at the co-op we went to the saturday farmer's market. It was really good. Lots of neat stuff. I got a rosmary plant there, and I'd picked up a basil plant from the co-op. So I have some herbs until I manage to kill them. Hopefully the basil will survive the summer, and the rosmary several years. That might be wishfull thinking. I'm hoping not though.

We then went out for lunch to a sushi place, the KC restaurant. We ordered a bowl of ??? oh damn can't remember what it is, veggies and rice noodles in a rice vinegar sauce, a sashimi assortment, a salmon sushi and a cucumber sushi (6 pieces of each) and decided not to order more. I'd probably order roughly the same for myself if I was out, but the three of us, it was about right. So maybe some friends can get together with me and we can go for sushi some time.

Then I came home, broght in my groceries, and saw my parents off. Had a good time, but I need to start cleaning up some of the mess that is my appartment right now, and then they'll come and help a bit with some of the other stuff. The stuff I just don't get around to doing even when I do clean my appartment.

Then I slept, got a call from Margo, talked with her a bit. Talked with Christine a bit also. That was before the cravings got to a point that I had to eat something. Hm, thinking getting a little something in me before bed would be a good idea. Maybe an apple. Well, I guess that's it. I talked to Margo a few times tonight. Haven't really talked a lot lately, but she called last night while I was out, so I wanted to call her this morning and did. Well. More on my life tomorrow.

Jessica

More food stuff...

2006-06-17T00:59:00.000-07:00

Lets be honest. I had two binges today. Not big ones, but really compulsive overeating. Not mindful eating. One right after my psych exam. That was started by trying to get good food into me so I wasn't really wasted, but it continued into a little binge, and got me really thinking about sweet stuff, and how I really can't stand it, but I crave it, and eat it regularly. It doesn't work well with me. Some things like fruit, some dried fruit, that kind of thing do work. But refined sugar is right out. Even cane juice is questionable. Still, I'll grab some sugar any time. It's easily available. It's quick energy. But it makes me feel crappy, and makes me want to eat more of it. So I'm a sugar craver...

But lets think about my second binge. Potatoe chips. Salt, but maybe more importantly high fat. I don't really know what it is that I'm craving, if it's the salt, or the fat. They tend to go together. But so do sugar and fat. I know I crave fat. I'll eat large chunks of the stuff. I fry most of my foods, and when I do, I tend to use a lot of oil. I love my butter. I really go after high fat foods. But I also go after salt. Add it when it's not nescesary. It doesn't taste right if there isn't enough salt. But I respond well to moderate amounts of salt. But really salty food throws me off to. Even if it's not high fat. Cheeses, things like that. So salt, fat, sugar. I guess all the triggers I'm triggered by.

What doesn't trigger me? Oh um, not really sure. Meat triggers me. Fruits and vegetables tend not to if they're not combined with the fat, salt or sugar thing. Some fruits are too sweet. That's OK. What else? Veggie protien sources don't trigger me, again as long as there isn't too much fat, or salt (rarely is there too much sugar, but some times). But sometimes I feel really spacy if I'm eating vegetarian. Maybe it's because it's harder to get different nutrients. I really don't know.

Startches are another trigger for me. They aren't as bad as the fats and sugars, but they can be really difficult for me. Maybe fish is OK. I haven't really considered fish in a while. Canned fish tends to be laden with salt, and that triggers me as well.

Maybe I'll leave that there for now. I'll probably post tomorrow again.

Jessica

Psych Exam...

2006-06-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

Well the psych exam went fairly well. I got 140/160, or 87.5%. At least that's what I think I got. I know that I got something in that ball park. So, I can't get more than 92% or somewhere in that ball park. That's a lot better than I usually do with this kind of thing. So I should be happy, and I guess I am, but I'm kind of mellow right now.

Not sure, I have a bag of chips on the floor over there ^> and I've really been feeling like just eating that whole bag of chips in one sitting. Still I'm a bit split over this. Why can't I? Because it's emotional eating, and it gets into a cycle. But I won't do it again, I promise. Well I've heard that many many times before. Jessica has helped a bit in dealing with this. That's been good. I'm thinking that maybe I need more help though. So between the end of that sentence, and the begining of this sentence, I called the local Overeater's Annonymous contact. I'm going to try to connect with them at the next meeting. See if that is something that is useful for me.

My controlling of my eating seems to be out of control. I'm not really sure what's OK, and what's not OK. I'm tending towards restricting right now, more so than consuming. I have this nasty habit of black and white, and this is just not an issue that can be looked at in those ways. This is going to be a really hard issue to deal with.

Just going to leave that there. More fear and loathing in my building. Some people were thinking that we'd have another flood. Maybe I'm strange, but I'd rather underreact than over react. I don't really know. Well off to do something else. I may start watching some movies now that I'm out of school for a little while.

Jessica

How dare they have a romantic partner?

2006-06-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

This is a thought that goes through my head an aweful lot. I feel like certain people are not as good as me, and if I can't have a romantic partner, neither should they. Then the thought goes through my head that if they have a romantic partner, they must be better than me. Yet I really think, I just want someone in my life who could be a life partner. It doesn't have to be romantic, or anything like that. I just want to have that person who I can share my life with. But as you can see from earlier posts, it's hard for me to even maintain friendships. It seems really hard to understand my life at times, and I'm the one living it.

I'm sitting here waiting to go to my psychology exam. It seems like I just want to get the last bit of psychology over with. Unless I do worse than I could possibly consider doing, I think that my mark should be in the 80-95 range for the course. The worst it can be is something around 55+% and that's if I get zero on the exam, and zero on the term paper. That's not going to happen. I've got my 60% in the bag. 80% is pretty likely, I'm thinking probably fairly close to about 85-93% is where I'm going to be sitting. That sounds good to me. So we'll see. I may make it to the 95%+ mark, but I doubt it. That would be quite the stretch at this point, but doable if I do really well on this exam and term paper. I'd have to get about 98% on both I think in order to break 95%, but it's doable, but not really very likely at all.

Well, I may post later. I don't really know. I'll see how I do on the exam, then I can sit back and relax, and take on some of the more stressfull things that I've been avoiding because I didn't want to be worrying about them while writing my exam. I'm pretty relaxed, which is really good. Maybe not quite relaxed enough, but close enough to not really care all that much about changing things.

Well I guess I can go off and check out if the exam room is ready. If so, I might just sit down and relax there for 20+ minutes while waiting for the exam.

Jessica

Sleeping, normal stuff, eating, and homework

2006-06-16T00:19:00.000-07:00

OK, so it's not a great title. I just wanted to put some stuff in here for today. I don't really know why. It seems like I really have a lot to say. Maybe saying some of the stuff publicly will help me. Which brings up something that I want to comment on. I was looking at Jessica's blog last night. I was really impressed, then I got thinking, ``How come she has all these friends, and I don't seem to have any''. Then I started wondering if she put anywhere near as much effort into friendships as I do, and then I realised that simply wasn't possible. I have no friends that make time for me, or just want me to make time for them, yet I work so hard on those relationships. Maybe I'm working too hard. Then I got talking to Robin who I really am not sure what our relationship is, beyond the proffessional one I have. Is she a friend? Is she more than an aquaintance? I think I can say safely that relationship wise that is true. But would I call her a friend? I really don't know. Maybe I have too high standards for who my friends are. Maybe not. To me a friend is someone who returns a significant amount of what I give them. I know that I can't expect people to put as much time and effort into their relationship with me, as I do with them. That would be like people who really have a hard time with school expecting me to put in the same amount of effort as they do on school work. I worked with a group last term that was really challanging, then I realised that one person was working on something for 3 hours that would have taken me 15 minutes to do. She did a great job, but probably no better a job than I would have done in 15 minutes. Maybe not even as good a job. But for that assignment we aced it, so I can't complain. Well I can. Like I complain about the 2.2 out of 2 that I keep getting in psychology (hopefully will be able to tell you what my final mark is by Monday or Tuesday). I can complain about just about anything.

Which gets me to a complaint. That was all flow of conciousness, and I should be happy that I'm expressing myself clearly, but no, I say ``must be paragraphed'', but I also say ``must keep the orriginal format''. So I'll stick with that. And stick with my black and white thinking, and that if I switch back and forth quickly enough I might just get a rainbow.

Stuff. Today. Well lets start with last night. Got to bed around 22:30 I think, got up around 11:30. That sounds like 13 hours of sleep, but I know I didn't sleep that whole time, but it sure felt like it, and it felt great. Except that I still had problems with getting up at that time. I had to go to the food cupboard for 12:00 so I had to get up at that time.

The food cupboard got flooded on Tuesday, and it was setup in a temporary location right at the entrance way of the church that it was in. Crowded little space, stressfull little space. I got through. I didn't blow up. I didn't even blow in. I just got stressed, got through it. It worked out fairly well.

As we were giving out food, someone brought in 3 big boxes of almost entirely mustard greens. And we won't be open on Monday as we'll be setting up for Wednesday on Monday, as we do have to get things together for that. Normally we'd be setting up on Thursday for Monday, and likewise through the week. But we can't get stuff into the old space until Monday at the earliest. So we won't be there giving out food until Wednesday. And I'm going into tiny details, probably confusing people. The thing is, we got these three boxes of mustard greens that we had to deal with today or throw in the compost. Then it came down to me to push them, and get people to get as much as they can handle. I didn't do a great job, we only got rid of a little over one box. The other two? Came to my building after we finished for the day. One to be distributed ``upstairs'' to the main tennents, one to go to Stepping Stones, the short term/transitional housing.

Then I went for a nice walk up to Silver King campus of Selkirk College. I was meeting Robin. We talked about a number of things, including the whole Esperanto thing, the eating thing, etcetera. Speaking of the eating thing, I managed to get a nutrition bar, and some sesame things into me before I got home. Then I saw I had a small chunk of brie in my fridge, and ate that, along with some crackers. Then I went to Silver King. Talking with Robin we talked about my whole ambigious type thing that is going on with me. My not wanting to define myself as either this, or that, but trying to be honest, and say what it is that is really going on. The whole binary system thing really bothers me, especially the whole binary gender system. Come on, the kid's only 9 days old, why can't you just accept the kid as a kid, and not have to impose a binary gender system on hir.

Again more stream of conciousness. The child/baby I'm refering to was one of the clients at the food cupboard today. Everyone wanted to know if this baby was a boy or a girl. I on the other hand was offended that they couldn't just accept the child as a child, and forget about the whole gender thing. This diffrence with me and ``the rest of the world'' I think is maybe too much for some people. Then I also got the sense that people are maybe over respecting my need for privacy. There's one person who lets herself into my life without needing an express invitation. She mostly respects my need for solitude. I think she tends to be pretty solitary herself at times.

So on with my non-linear reality. My brain doesn't work that way, so well if you want to read my thoughts, you'll have to realise that my reality isn't nescesarily linear. I came down, grabbed some mustard greens and did a bunch of stuff before starting them simmering in the pot on the stove. An hour and a half and they were done to perfection. I then got them out of the pot (leaving the liquid behind) and blended them to make a soup. I had some of that soup (with added worchestershire sauce, tobasco, and brags soy seasoning), then realised it needed a bit more modification so started adding a can of diced tomatoes a bit at a time while I was eating. The end result is in the fridge, along with 6 cups of the broth that was part of the intention of the whole process.

And that gets us to homework. I got my assignment in tonight. About 22:55 which was really nice, more than an hour before midnight. Almost exactly when I thought that I'd be done, when I was starting the whole thing. So, hey, I'm good with time management. At least in terms of estimating how long something will take, and being fairly accurate with it. I tend to over estimate time, or more over state how long I think it will take. I like to add a ``fudge factor'' of some amount when I'm telling people when I'll be there. I'd rather not be rushed.

That pretty much is my day, and I need to get some sleep. I have that lovely exam tomorrow. I hope it goes as well, or maybe even better than the previous exams. The last one I dropped a bit. No big deal. Still in the range I want to be. So that's good.

Jessica

My last little while

2006-06-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted anything publicly in a long time. This will go to my livejoural and my blogspot blogs, then I leave it up to you to follow whichever blog you wish. If you want to catch all my postings, then I suggest you go to both. But probably one will be more active. I'm following my friend's blog here http://my-pretty.blogspot.com/ which is why I created this http://jessica-koala.blogspot.com/ blog. I've had the livejournal http://jrasku.livejournal.com account for some time. I don't have a lot of posts there. And I don't have a spiffy camera to put pictures in my posts.

Yesterday I had a pretty major binge. Today I ate hardly anything compared to normal. I had a normal dinner for myself, which was really nice to be able to do this. I also realised (before I started eating) that it's probably harder to binge if you're eating with chopsticks. I know not impossible. But that's OK.

Yesterday I had a big early dinner, two large sandwiches, which was more than enough. Kind of a binge in itself. Sometime yesterday I ate a bag of chips. Not sure when. After dinner, I went up to my loft and read for a bit, finished the reading I had to do, which was good. Then decided I was still hungry, and didn't like any of the options in the house. I went to the Kootenay Co-op http://kootenay.coop/ bought about 60 dollars worth of food including three bags of chips, some pasta, some pasta sauce, and some brie. The chips lasted until this evening. I made a large pot of pasta with the pasta sauce yesterday. I was still craving food big time at this point. I was also aware that I'd already eaten too much. I ate the pasta, still was craving food, but I could not eat a waffer thin mint more. I then decided that to relieve the presure in my stomach, I would throw up. Luckily, my body is out of the habit of throwing up, so in the two attempts to throw up, it was only a small amount of food.

I decided that night that I really need to do something about what is going on with my disordered eating. I know it's not ``the problem'' any more than my cutting, drinking, smoking, overdosing, or whatever else I was doing was ``the problem'', but I also realised that I needed to address that. All the other things I could ``quit''. I can't quit eating. So when I finially got to bed about 04:00 I decided that I wanted to call my doctor's office to see when I could get in. So I set my alarm.

This morning I really didn't feel like eating. I called my doctor's office, got an appointment for 11:00. This is a good thing. I to my doctor's office, and felt really anxious. I'd been really anxious through the whole binge purge thing, but this had more of a flavour, more of a focus. I was admitting that things are too bad, and that I can't deal with them on my own. I talked to my doctor, she said she'd fax over a referal to mental health, agreed that I need help with this.

After my appointment with my doctor, I did a bit of grazing throughout the afternoon (no flooding today, yesterday coming back from my doctor's office the flooding was pretty intense (check out my-pretty.blogspot.com)), didn't really eat much at all. I then went to lie down for about a half hour, as usual it turned out to be more like 40-45 minutes, before I was going to go to the chinese medicine school student clinic to get a treatment. I told the student practitioner about the bingeing, and that I really hadn't eaten much today. He gave me some ideas. He suggested that grazing may be a good idea. So, I kind of felt like that was something I'd figured out on my own. He did some accupuncture and some moxa. It was pretty intense, after I got up from the treatment I was kind of shaky. Sat down, had some water, rested a bit. Was still feeling a bit shakey, just wanted to take things slowly. Then I went to make an appointment with him for next week. Well, that didn't happen because he's booked up for next week already, and that may be his last week doing that.

Then I came home. Opened a bag of chips. Had a few handfulls. More than I really needed, a lot less than I usually have. And started making a propper dinner of pasta and pasta sauce. This time a little smaller. More manageable size. And I was hungry already, really needing food. I gave myself permission to stop if I felt the slightest bit full. I ate the whole bowl. Again, more than I needed, more or less typicial dinner for me.

I'd say that food wise today was quite a success. Being more mindful of what I'm eating is really important. That's what got me through the day. Eating a little more than the low end of what I wanted to eat (ie. nothing), but staying well away from the high end (total bingeing). And not acting on the emotional stuff saying that I should either binge, or starve myself. I think I did well.

Now, I'm going to bed. I may post more tomorrow.

Jessica

First blogspot post...

2006-06-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

This is the first post on blogspot/blogger. I was hoping that I could post simaltaniously on my server, and on here, but this does not seem to be possible. I will just leave this at this, and see how it looks, then post something more in a bit.

Jessica