Day 2 of abstenence.

I know I danced close to the edge. I know I overeate. I feel pretty confident that I can say that I did not compulsively overeat. Still have the chips. Did I mention the chips.... I don't think so.

Yesterday (it seems like so long ago) I was having a pretty good day. I had a good morning. Had a good breakfast. I was working really well with a lot of stuff. Keeping occupied, whatever. I then decided that there was one item that I needed to pick up from the grocery store, and well had no cash on me, and I don't do plastic, and actually realised that I didn't actually have the money in the bank that I wantted so I could withdraw some money. I felt like I was a bit stuck. Sure I could go and get what I ``needed'' from the grocery store. I wanted to get other stuff as well. Then I realised that I did have a cheque that I could cash. Hm, a source of money. Yes I would have prefered to put the money into the bank, but well I decided that I'd get money in the bank today, so no real problem, and well, I'm poor. So well sometimes I'm living paycheque to paycheque. So OK cash the cheque, get some food.

I went to the co-op and got some food. There is almost always something tempting at the front. Not nescesarily something that I decide to buy, but something that I go ``yeah that would be nice''. And on so many levels. On the levels of personal satisfaction and ethicial purchasing, as well as levels of wise food choices, and healthy eating. Those tempting things that pull me into the store and make me want to shop there this time? Peaches. No I didn't buy any. I have peaches at home (hm peach before crawling into bed is a good idea). So as usual I didn't (that I remember) pick up any produce. I get my produce delivered.

What did I get. Some nice sheep brie, some bread, dried mango slices, gummy bears (binge food unwise food choice), peanuts, potato chips (2 bags) (binge food another unwise food choice), and I think some other stuff, but I c... oh some dulse flakes, and I think that may be it. Oh wait, I forgot, I got some black olive spread and what I went in for, peanut butter. I looked at the pasta sauce. I didn't like the look of it (litterally the look of it) so I decided (and othewise it would have been another unwise item in my basket) not to do the pasta thing.

I'm shopping for this stuff, I'm picking it up. I'm wanting to binge, but not really. I'm craving going into the binge foods and binging, but really what I want is to go home and have a lovely lunch. Not as much fun, not as tempting, not as easy a choice to make, and I really am noticing that it's hard for me to make the wise decisions. Othewise why would I have picked up the gummi bears and potato chips? I want that escape valve. Except really I don't. Otherwise these would be wise foods for when I really do need them. Um no, I don't need them. I just want to feed the addiction. I want to be going for that food when I just feel like I can't cope. So this is all going through my head, I'm letting it do it's thing, I'm trying to convince myself to put the chips and gummi bears back, I can't.

What do I normally do? I go home and well those bags of chips those are the start of my lunch. Hm, bread with olive spread and brie on would go nicely on the two bags of chips. For a finial thing the gummie bears will go down quite nicely. A nice two thousand calorie meal. Not a bad start for the day. Maybe a pint of sorbet, and well I guess finishing off the ice cream (about 750 ml) would be a pretty good way to go. And now I need to purge. And now I'm really pissed at myself. I'm mad that I've let myself do this. I'm mad that I'm even capable of doing this. And I'm especially mad that I'm willing to eat all of that only to puke it up, or shit it out.

What did I do? I had a nice lunch of bread, olive spread, and brie. Sure more calories than I probably really need, not the greatest decision, but well it's a huge improvement.

So, the potato chips are still there. They may come with me to Rossland. Give them to my mum. Just quietly put them in the pantry. Rather that than put them out here or throw them out. Sure my mum's addicted, but she's got some pretty good balance there.

Today, well I got to bed at 05:00 last night, not looking a bit better tonight. That I'm pissed about. And you know, it's also something that I really honestly don't know that I can do anything about it right now. I mean yes I can get to bed at 11:00 every night. I just don't think I'm ready for that, or that my living situation is conducive to that. I'm working on it. I'm addicted to imbalance, and this is where I am living that imbalance right now. So, it honestly looks like I may not be getting to yoga this week. I'm pissed about that. It's largely my own doing. I know I have to shift some things.

Who was I talking to about the yoga timimg? I think it was Kathy. The masters of counselling student who is doing her final practicum at mental health and addictions. I keep seeing Robin asking me those questions. But well I don't think it was her, because that would have been at the Shambhala Centre, and somehow that doesn't quite work for me. I just think there is just some reason I'm linking Kathy and Robin together.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed now. Just shaking my head at the fact that it is 13 minutes to 5 right now and I really can't say that the time this evening was well spent. Oh well, now it is the time that it is, and I am going to go to bed and try to be gentle with myself.

Jessica

Just stuff, stuff and more stuff...

I was looking for my journal that has been missing for over a week (I need to send out a search party I think, anyone care to join the search party, I'm affraid it may die if it isn't found soon), and found my 2006 Wicca Almanac, and decided that I'd look at what the world is bringing up in the almanac that is interesting, and I found that the moon is new and entering Virgo on Wednesday afternoon. I guess there is a conflict with the practice and education committee meeting on Wednesday so the Sadhana of Mahamudra is on Tuesday instead.

So, I didn't find my journal. Well the one I write in every night when I know where it is. Well sort of. In any case it is missing in action. I found it last Monday, but I couldn't locate it when I was looking for it in the evening. I'm not sure where it may have ended up. I might call Diane who helped me clean my appartment and see if she might remember anything about it. Somehow I doubt it. I know I have a lot of those books in my appartment. Most of them are my personal journals. Back to 1994. Not that I was journalling every day at that point, or really any large enough time frame throughout that time, but I believe it has been pretty close.

I was away from Nelson for the weekend. I went to Rossland to do some computer stuff and connect up with family. The computer stuff went OK. I installed Adobe Creative Suite 2 trial onto my dad's computer. Somehow I'm not sure that he's going to get a chance to check it out in the next 30 days or so. That doesn't really matter all that much. If he does, great, if not, no big deal really. Setup so that we have moved one computer right next to another computer, and so that the two computers share the same monitor, keyboard and mouse through a KVM switch.

Also did some stuff with some of the web services on one of the machines. Which um isn't doing the right thing right now for some reason. I don't know why. I'll hopefully figure it out in the morning tomorrow.

I haven't made it back to the yoga centre yet. I'm hoping to get there on Wednesday, and I really expect that I will. Unfortunately I won't get there tomorrow because I have a massage appointment in the middle of the Mysore time. Oh well. Tomorrow night I plan on doing the Sadhana of Mahamudra at the Shambhala Centre.

I think that's about it right now. So, to bed in a bit, then up early in the morning, or at least try to.

Jessica

Email posting...

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I don't know how the email posting works, I want to try it out, and see
if that might be a viable way to handle posting to the positive body
blog. This is just a short post to see how it works.

Jessica
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First day doing Yoga

I did yoga for the first day in a long long long time. Hm, something like more than 32 years, but wait, no I have done some yoga before, it was a bit of Kundulini yoga with Lana. This was Ashtanga/Mysore. I am about to go to bed so that I'll be able to get up in the morning early enough to go to the Mysore session tomorrow. I want to get my money's worth as quickly as possible. End of next week I feel like I'll probably have it all together.

For the yoga I wrote a cheque that went into my line of credit. I knew I could do that safely, and I should have money in there on Friday so, it may not even go into my line of credit.

The yoga was great. Mysore is a self paced group practice. I did the two sun salutations and 6 standing postures. And something at the end. I forgot that bit. I remember the corpse pose, and another pose that I really don't have the strength to do. The practice was really intense. I don't think I hydrated enough today, and really think I need to work more on that if I'm going to be doing this practice regularly.

The whole trans stuff came up. I can't wear anything which is tight in that area without showing. I know some people have found ways around this. That seems even more uncomfortable than just putting some kind of pants on. And that has been a real stretch for me.

I'm doing the Yoga at Shanti Yoga which is just around the corner from where I live. I'm about half way between Shanti, and the Shambhala Centre. A little closer to the Shambhala Centre. That is maybe a bit revealing. Still, I haven't had problems that I couldn't handle. And even those were mostly self inflicted for the most part.

That is probably what I want to say. I saw Kathy who is seeing me while P'Nina is away. That has been really good. Though P'Nina tends to challange me more. Robin challanges me the most. But then the proffesional relationship with Robin is ending (well even though it's not technically ended yet, probably practically has). My feeling about why she is the one that challanges me the most is because she isn't afraid to form a personal relationship, and that actually worked out well for me. We had a dual (at least) relationship, and while some schools of counselling suggest that dual relationships are troublesome, I feel that honest setting of boundries between the various relationships that you do have, and work with them effectively.

I think that's also another thing, when I talk with Robin about tonglen, she knows what I'm talking about, and well less so, when I talk to her about the DBT stuff, she also knows what I'm talking about. The major areas of my life she intersects with well. I can think of a few other people who that is true of also.

Well, I guess it's time for me to take my meds, and curl up in bed. Get 5 or so hours of sleep. That would be better than last night I think.

Jessica

A week back, almost...

I've been back for a week. I'm not really sure what happened in this week. I've been staying away from the computer, and staying away from a lot of things. I've had a few good walks. I got two rolls of film back when I got back to Rossland for the weekend. Yes, I get my parents to deal with my film. Why? I like the end product better. I don't really know why. It just seems to have better colour and everything with the machine at Doel Photo. Maybe it's just me, but my mum has agreed with that.

As I said, I really don't know what I did this last week. A few walks. Good. Well, one walk. And it was a short walk. Something significant happened on that walk, but maybe it wasn't all that significant. Well, I noticed that the lake has gotten down to a pretty much normal level. Oh, some of the photos I got back were of the lake at the peak I saw it. May have been higher at some other time, but this must have been near peak.

I came to Rossland. We had a nice walk on the Black Jack ski trails. I got some computer work done. Even got my parents' new DVD player hooked up. Unfortunately I think we are going to be loosing one channel of audio with it until I get the stereo signal from the DVD player mixed to a mono audio signal I can put into the VCR.

Hazel was asking about weekthun. Well it was good. I think that I got more or less what I expected. Lots of sitting, lots of keeping occupied. I had a regular schedual for the first time in a very long time. I really think I'd like a 3 day a week or maybe 2.5 day a week job durring the day to give me a regular schedual. I now realise just how hard it is for me to maintain a schedual, and how good it is for me to do that.

But, I continue to sleep a lot durring the day. Since I got back, my doctor has increased one of my medications, it is really helping with the pain. I wake up in a lot less pain. That is really good. I'm not sure if maybe it also means that I'm having a harder time staying awake durring the day.

Weekthun, yes, that was requested. It was really good. No electricity for a week, well no AC electricity for a week. We did have various battery controlled things like flashlights, tooth bruushes, um, what else, cameras (Stephen has a few pictures up on his blog http://dondrup.blogger.com/ that are good). I might post a few pictures tomorrow, I don't know. Some of my pictures well, they're rather different. Photos of things most people would really shy away from. I don't know, do I take them because they make people uncofortable? Or do I take them because I find beauty in them despite the fact that many people find them repulsive. That's odd.

Russ gave some really good talks about the experience of the 8 conciousnesses, the five sense conciousnesses, the mind conscousness, then the other two I really don't know a whole lot about, one is a kind of storehouse consciousness, the other is I think some link between the first 6 and the 8th. A lot on the sense consciousnesses. That, I could kind of work with. Then we also worked with the other three consciousness a little bit. I know for me, what worked well for me to connect with my meditation practice was sight and sound. I had a lot of trouble with taste and smell. And touch was somewhere in between there.

Touch is something that actually I worked a lot with. There were some people there who were regularly touching me. I know this is an area which I have difficulty with. I rarely seek out touch, at least not in a healthy way. And when I do get in a situation where touch becomes something important in the communication I tend to get very confused. I know in recent memory I've had situations where the touch I felt was conveying a lot of loving and careing, but in the end it seemed like that was either overrulled by some other thing, or I was mistaken. I'd like to believe that something changed, that while that careing didn't go away, something came up that caused the person to choose to bury it. Maybe conciously, but most likely not conciously.

I also find that while I can express trust on certain levels easily (like falling backwards into a person's arms and trusting they will catch me before I hit the floor (no, I've never hit the floor doing this, but sometimes come very close)), but on the emotional level, trusting my feelings, especially my feelings about what another person is feeling towards me is really poor. Sometimes I find myself feeling that the person feels exactly as I do, and really finds me someone they would like to have a lot of contact with. Other times, I don't trust that the expressions of affection that I receive from them are really because they feel that way.

Then I really wonder what it is that makes this matter, and I realise that it is probably ego, and my way of looking at the world in very dualistic ways. That the world, or a situation, or whatever is either one, or it's another. The world is either black, or it is white. Or maybe the world is full of evil, or it is full of love. The or of these two things, is an exclusive or, that is, it's one or the other, but not both.

I know I've said a lot. I'm not sure I said a lot about what it was that really was why I wanted to write this. I guess it's hard at times.

That will be it for tonight.

Jessica