Day 2 of abstenence.

I know I danced close to the edge. I know I overeate. I feel pretty confident that I can say that I did not compulsively overeat. Still have the chips. Did I mention the chips.... I don't think so.

Yesterday (it seems like so long ago) I was having a pretty good day. I had a good morning. Had a good breakfast. I was working really well with a lot of stuff. Keeping occupied, whatever. I then decided that there was one item that I needed to pick up from the grocery store, and well had no cash on me, and I don't do plastic, and actually realised that I didn't actually have the money in the bank that I wantted so I could withdraw some money. I felt like I was a bit stuck. Sure I could go and get what I ``needed'' from the grocery store. I wanted to get other stuff as well. Then I realised that I did have a cheque that I could cash. Hm, a source of money. Yes I would have prefered to put the money into the bank, but well I decided that I'd get money in the bank today, so no real problem, and well, I'm poor. So well sometimes I'm living paycheque to paycheque. So OK cash the cheque, get some food.

I went to the co-op and got some food. There is almost always something tempting at the front. Not nescesarily something that I decide to buy, but something that I go ``yeah that would be nice''. And on so many levels. On the levels of personal satisfaction and ethicial purchasing, as well as levels of wise food choices, and healthy eating. Those tempting things that pull me into the store and make me want to shop there this time? Peaches. No I didn't buy any. I have peaches at home (hm peach before crawling into bed is a good idea). So as usual I didn't (that I remember) pick up any produce. I get my produce delivered.

What did I get. Some nice sheep brie, some bread, dried mango slices, gummy bears (binge food unwise food choice), peanuts, potato chips (2 bags) (binge food another unwise food choice), and I think some other stuff, but I c... oh some dulse flakes, and I think that may be it. Oh wait, I forgot, I got some black olive spread and what I went in for, peanut butter. I looked at the pasta sauce. I didn't like the look of it (litterally the look of it) so I decided (and othewise it would have been another unwise item in my basket) not to do the pasta thing.

I'm shopping for this stuff, I'm picking it up. I'm wanting to binge, but not really. I'm craving going into the binge foods and binging, but really what I want is to go home and have a lovely lunch. Not as much fun, not as tempting, not as easy a choice to make, and I really am noticing that it's hard for me to make the wise decisions. Othewise why would I have picked up the gummi bears and potato chips? I want that escape valve. Except really I don't. Otherwise these would be wise foods for when I really do need them. Um no, I don't need them. I just want to feed the addiction. I want to be going for that food when I just feel like I can't cope. So this is all going through my head, I'm letting it do it's thing, I'm trying to convince myself to put the chips and gummi bears back, I can't.

What do I normally do? I go home and well those bags of chips those are the start of my lunch. Hm, bread with olive spread and brie on would go nicely on the two bags of chips. For a finial thing the gummie bears will go down quite nicely. A nice two thousand calorie meal. Not a bad start for the day. Maybe a pint of sorbet, and well I guess finishing off the ice cream (about 750 ml) would be a pretty good way to go. And now I need to purge. And now I'm really pissed at myself. I'm mad that I've let myself do this. I'm mad that I'm even capable of doing this. And I'm especially mad that I'm willing to eat all of that only to puke it up, or shit it out.

What did I do? I had a nice lunch of bread, olive spread, and brie. Sure more calories than I probably really need, not the greatest decision, but well it's a huge improvement.

So, the potato chips are still there. They may come with me to Rossland. Give them to my mum. Just quietly put them in the pantry. Rather that than put them out here or throw them out. Sure my mum's addicted, but she's got some pretty good balance there.

Today, well I got to bed at 05:00 last night, not looking a bit better tonight. That I'm pissed about. And you know, it's also something that I really honestly don't know that I can do anything about it right now. I mean yes I can get to bed at 11:00 every night. I just don't think I'm ready for that, or that my living situation is conducive to that. I'm working on it. I'm addicted to imbalance, and this is where I am living that imbalance right now. So, it honestly looks like I may not be getting to yoga this week. I'm pissed about that. It's largely my own doing. I know I have to shift some things.

Who was I talking to about the yoga timimg? I think it was Kathy. The masters of counselling student who is doing her final practicum at mental health and addictions. I keep seeing Robin asking me those questions. But well I don't think it was her, because that would have been at the Shambhala Centre, and somehow that doesn't quite work for me. I just think there is just some reason I'm linking Kathy and Robin together.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed now. Just shaking my head at the fact that it is 13 minutes to 5 right now and I really can't say that the time this evening was well spent. Oh well, now it is the time that it is, and I am going to go to bed and try to be gentle with myself.

Jessica