I just got back from weekthun. Well not just got back, I got back about 10 hours ago, and should be sleeping. I'm very tired, and I want to go back and live in my tent. There are no mice in my tent. Well there weren't out there. I have mice in my appartment, and they are very rude mice. I have to deal with them. I tried to plug a hole, I've plugged it several times, but they are back running around my appartment. I need something better to plug the hole with. It's in my floor. Any suggestions?
I too saw the rainbow or whatever that atmospheric optical effect of the mind was. Stephen posted a picture of it. Somehow it was more spectacular in person. And it seems that we manifested a storm this afternoon, just after we left, well a couple hours after we finially packed up. Jessica posted about the storm, but didn't realise it was auspicious :). Anyway, I'm going to go to bed. So, maybe more over the next few days. It was great, even the crappy bit in the middle. And the crappy bit in the middle was all me. And my ego. And thinking. And...
Jessica
Monday, July 31, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Psychiatrists' apointment...
Yes I made it to the psychiatrists appointment. One step closer to getting surgery. I don't think that I had to worry much about it. Well my doctor, and even my case manager agree that I can get surgery at this time. P'nina my case manager is I think a little less enthusiastic about it. Though I think she likes to err on the side of caution and not having me take risks that could be a significant blow to my self esteem.
So, how did it go? Really well actually. There were two psychiatrists who I expected there, and one other person who I didn't expect there, and I don't know if she was a psychiatrist or some other proffesional. They asked me a bunch of questions that I've gone over, but have yet to write a script about (hey I have to be honest, and being honest means talking from where I'm at, not from where I was at when I wrote the script). It was somewhat difficult. They were glad to see that I'm getting ongoing counselling. They generally I think felt that I am indeed a good canditate for surgery, and that the surgery should proceed shortly.
Some surprises, but I was kind of expecting some surprises. The one surprise that I wasn't expecting and really hadn't even considered is the loss of choice as to what surgeon to go to. There is now a surgeon looking for a hospital to do the surgery in, who is located in Vancouver, and I either pay for getting surgery from someone else, or get MSP to pay for this surgeon. Well, he only has a wait list of 40 patients, I don't know how much surgical time he's likely to be able to get, so I don't know how quickly he will get through the list. I would think at the most rapid (and this may even be unrealistic) he'd be able to get through that list in about a month. That list is growing, but I'll be contacted probably fairly soon about some of that.
Then I spent the day in Vancouver, mostly shopping. Almost exclusively shopping. Got a new answering machine (now you can leave me messages). It seems that sometimes the answering machine I have refuses to take messages, which is very annoying. Got some books inclidng The Gateless Gate which is a classic Zen text which I've been reading since I got on the bus. Looks like I have some good reading to get caught up on, if I have time on my retreat. I'll probably be able to read a few cases per day. They don't take long to read. I'm not really trying to understand them. I'm just reading them to get a feel for them. Maybe when I get back I'll start to try to realise the meaning of the koans.
That's about it. My parents got a new scanner which they are hoping to connect to the new computer. Right now, I think I am going to try to get an hour or two of sleep. Maybe even 3 hours.
Jessica
So, how did it go? Really well actually. There were two psychiatrists who I expected there, and one other person who I didn't expect there, and I don't know if she was a psychiatrist or some other proffesional. They asked me a bunch of questions that I've gone over, but have yet to write a script about (hey I have to be honest, and being honest means talking from where I'm at, not from where I was at when I wrote the script). It was somewhat difficult. They were glad to see that I'm getting ongoing counselling. They generally I think felt that I am indeed a good canditate for surgery, and that the surgery should proceed shortly.
Some surprises, but I was kind of expecting some surprises. The one surprise that I wasn't expecting and really hadn't even considered is the loss of choice as to what surgeon to go to. There is now a surgeon looking for a hospital to do the surgery in, who is located in Vancouver, and I either pay for getting surgery from someone else, or get MSP to pay for this surgeon. Well, he only has a wait list of 40 patients, I don't know how much surgical time he's likely to be able to get, so I don't know how quickly he will get through the list. I would think at the most rapid (and this may even be unrealistic) he'd be able to get through that list in about a month. That list is growing, but I'll be contacted probably fairly soon about some of that.
Then I spent the day in Vancouver, mostly shopping. Almost exclusively shopping. Got a new answering machine (now you can leave me messages). It seems that sometimes the answering machine I have refuses to take messages, which is very annoying. Got some books inclidng The Gateless Gate which is a classic Zen text which I've been reading since I got on the bus. Looks like I have some good reading to get caught up on, if I have time on my retreat. I'll probably be able to read a few cases per day. They don't take long to read. I'm not really trying to understand them. I'm just reading them to get a feel for them. Maybe when I get back I'll start to try to realise the meaning of the koans.
That's about it. My parents got a new scanner which they are hoping to connect to the new computer. Right now, I think I am going to try to get an hour or two of sleep. Maybe even 3 hours.
Jessica
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Today...
I slept most of the morning. I managed to get up, but then had a nap. OK, so that's better than usual. And I didn't get to bed until something like 03:00 last night, so maybe it's not so bad. Well, it's coming on 02:00 and well I haven't gotten to bed yet. Still probably at least a couple of hours of time before I go to bed. So well, doesn't look like I'll get to bed until something like 04:00 tonight. Damn that sucks. Tonight thankfully it's something productive, just wish I got it done before now. Well, we'll see how long it takes.
What did I get done today. I went for a walk this afternoon. I spent a lot of time on the computers. Got some stuff installed on one computer, but unfortunately it's not working. Oh well, we'll see if we can get it working, or maybe change the hardware that we have purchased and replace it with something compatable with the software we have. This machine has been a real frustration.
Working on backing up all 4 machines. Well the four main machines. Not the two laptops which are not currently in use. Well, time to check that backup upstairs...
OK, looks like I might get some sleep in about an hour or so. It looks like the next step of the whole backup might actually take long enough that I don't want to stay up for it. I'll see how it all looks when I'm at the point that I'll be backing up the ``next'' machine. As of now, 1 machine is partially backed up (about half), and 1 machine is on it's way to being fully backed up (should be in about an hour), then I have the two machines that I haven't backed up at all, or have only partially backed up, and get those done. Might take some time. I'll see how it all goes, looks like it could be a while. I'll see.
That's kind of it. Doing a lot of work on getting computers to do what I want them to do, or what whoever is mostly going to be using the computer wants them to do. Damn it takes a long time to back up these machines. Wish I had realised that before. 4 machines, about an hour to do the burn to DVD on each machine, and then, well whatelse? Right creating the backup files, and transfering those backup files to the computer that does the backup. So it's slow at times.
I'm finding that I have too much to do in the amount of time that I have to do it. So, something has to go. And I want that something to be something that I'm choosing to go, not something that I just haven't gotten to in a long long time, and just deciding maybe it's time to let it go. That won't work. I think maybe the thing that has to be made lower priority is chatting on IRC except for the chats that are related to 12 step groups I belong to.
Oh, well. I forgot to finish this off... Well here it is finished, probably more than 12 hours after it started. I don't know. Somewhere in that range.
Jessica
What did I get done today. I went for a walk this afternoon. I spent a lot of time on the computers. Got some stuff installed on one computer, but unfortunately it's not working. Oh well, we'll see if we can get it working, or maybe change the hardware that we have purchased and replace it with something compatable with the software we have. This machine has been a real frustration.
Working on backing up all 4 machines. Well the four main machines. Not the two laptops which are not currently in use. Well, time to check that backup upstairs...
OK, looks like I might get some sleep in about an hour or so. It looks like the next step of the whole backup might actually take long enough that I don't want to stay up for it. I'll see how it all looks when I'm at the point that I'll be backing up the ``next'' machine. As of now, 1 machine is partially backed up (about half), and 1 machine is on it's way to being fully backed up (should be in about an hour), then I have the two machines that I haven't backed up at all, or have only partially backed up, and get those done. Might take some time. I'll see how it all goes, looks like it could be a while. I'll see.
That's kind of it. Doing a lot of work on getting computers to do what I want them to do, or what whoever is mostly going to be using the computer wants them to do. Damn it takes a long time to back up these machines. Wish I had realised that before. 4 machines, about an hour to do the burn to DVD on each machine, and then, well whatelse? Right creating the backup files, and transfering those backup files to the computer that does the backup. So it's slow at times.
I'm finding that I have too much to do in the amount of time that I have to do it. So, something has to go. And I want that something to be something that I'm choosing to go, not something that I just haven't gotten to in a long long time, and just deciding maybe it's time to let it go. That won't work. I think maybe the thing that has to be made lower priority is chatting on IRC except for the chats that are related to 12 step groups I belong to.
Oh, well. I forgot to finish this off... Well here it is finished, probably more than 12 hours after it started. I don't know. Somewhere in that range.
Jessica
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Some things that went on today...
I thought that there wasn't a lot that went on today. I was on a confrence call from 08:00 to 09:30 for the Shambhala Database, and then I went to see P'Nina. That was a good appointment. A lot came up. I realised that I need to work on my skills, and on other stuff as well. And I really plan on doing that. Well, that's the plan right now. I have an appointment on the 1st with a Master's student, who will be seeing me while P'Nina is away. That I hope works out well. I'll see when I see her. I guess in a way, I'm not doing that well right now. It's more of a matter of realising that overall there are a lot of issues that are not getting dealt with, and wanting to deal with them. Not entirely sure that I will be totally present for Weekthun, I know that it depends a lot on how things go with the psychiatrists appointment down in Vancouver. I know by the end of the week, I'll be doing pretty good, it's just that the begining, I may feel pretty spaced out and in need of support. Well, I'm not sure I'll get it there. Maybe it will all be good.
After my appointment with P'Nina a friend, well not sure I would call her a friend, but an aquantance of mine, who considers me to be a friend, came by, was with her from about 10:30, to 13:00, and that was a lot of time to be around this person. She really means well, and not only does she mean well, she means really really really really well. The thing is, she's someone that I find that it's difficult for me to be around, because she is never satisfied that she's giving enough for what she's receiving. I honestly don't know how she gets through the month with the way that she is constantly giveing to people in ways they never expect, and well just in pretty insanely giving. I know I should be really greatful, but I kind of feel hurt that she's willing to sacrifice herself to the extent that she does. In that time, I had some short reprives as she had to go to the bathroom very frequently (was driving me crazy, and I consider how often I go to the bathroom pretty insane, but well, her situation is like an order of magnitude more frequent than I have to go). I *can't* go that frequently.
I saw my doctor, that was good, hadn't seen her in a while. Not sure how long, but it's been a while, and well I guess I should have seen her sooner, but nothing was pressing, and I didn't. She keeps getting on me about going swimming. Well, I washed my bathingsuits today. So, well maybe I'll go. I don't know. I should really get to the pool and go swimming. But I don't know how I'll pay for that. I'll see. That hits another sore point for me. Maybe I should talk to city and see what they think about providing passes for people on dissability. I doubt that idea would go over well. Somehow the city doesn't seem to want to put money into that kind of thing. Putting money into development on the other hand they consider sound fiscal policy. They do I believe give money to some programs, and support affordable housing in some small measure. But from what I've heard, there is *one* place in Nelson that is affordable housing available to anyone. Everything else has a limited scope.
Now, I seem to be rambling. I then had lunch, nothing major, can't eat major in my mind, and still consider it abstenence. I really have pulled close to the line, and I'm sure, I generally eat more than I need to. I guess for me is noticing how unfit I am. I should be able to jog up those stairs before I get to the point of feeling as stressed as I do walking up them at a normal, or possibly slightly slow pace. Well that was yesterday. I do need to work on getting more active though. I didn't go for a walk today. I haven't gone on a proper walk in several days. I should be getting an hour swimming in three days a week. But, I haven't been in the pool for well over a year. Wait, it's been over 2 years I think. That's not good.
Well, I got to Rossland, my parents picked me up. My dad installed a countertop by my window. That will be a great place for me to do my food prep now. Of course, it's going to get cluttered. But it's probably going to be food and cooking clutter almost exclusively, so that's good. I lost my radiator that I would put hot things on. Still, I think I'll get a couple of trivits, and see how that goes. That should do it. And I rarely have more than 2 hot things at the same time, so well even two is pretty rare, a couple of trivits would probably do me.
Well, to bed now I think.
Jessica
After my appointment with P'Nina a friend, well not sure I would call her a friend, but an aquantance of mine, who considers me to be a friend, came by, was with her from about 10:30, to 13:00, and that was a lot of time to be around this person. She really means well, and not only does she mean well, she means really really really really well. The thing is, she's someone that I find that it's difficult for me to be around, because she is never satisfied that she's giving enough for what she's receiving. I honestly don't know how she gets through the month with the way that she is constantly giveing to people in ways they never expect, and well just in pretty insanely giving. I know I should be really greatful, but I kind of feel hurt that she's willing to sacrifice herself to the extent that she does. In that time, I had some short reprives as she had to go to the bathroom very frequently (was driving me crazy, and I consider how often I go to the bathroom pretty insane, but well, her situation is like an order of magnitude more frequent than I have to go). I *can't* go that frequently.
I saw my doctor, that was good, hadn't seen her in a while. Not sure how long, but it's been a while, and well I guess I should have seen her sooner, but nothing was pressing, and I didn't. She keeps getting on me about going swimming. Well, I washed my bathingsuits today. So, well maybe I'll go. I don't know. I should really get to the pool and go swimming. But I don't know how I'll pay for that. I'll see. That hits another sore point for me. Maybe I should talk to city and see what they think about providing passes for people on dissability. I doubt that idea would go over well. Somehow the city doesn't seem to want to put money into that kind of thing. Putting money into development on the other hand they consider sound fiscal policy. They do I believe give money to some programs, and support affordable housing in some small measure. But from what I've heard, there is *one* place in Nelson that is affordable housing available to anyone. Everything else has a limited scope.
Now, I seem to be rambling. I then had lunch, nothing major, can't eat major in my mind, and still consider it abstenence. I really have pulled close to the line, and I'm sure, I generally eat more than I need to. I guess for me is noticing how unfit I am. I should be able to jog up those stairs before I get to the point of feeling as stressed as I do walking up them at a normal, or possibly slightly slow pace. Well that was yesterday. I do need to work on getting more active though. I didn't go for a walk today. I haven't gone on a proper walk in several days. I should be getting an hour swimming in three days a week. But, I haven't been in the pool for well over a year. Wait, it's been over 2 years I think. That's not good.
Well, I got to Rossland, my parents picked me up. My dad installed a countertop by my window. That will be a great place for me to do my food prep now. Of course, it's going to get cluttered. But it's probably going to be food and cooking clutter almost exclusively, so that's good. I lost my radiator that I would put hot things on. Still, I think I'll get a couple of trivits, and see how that goes. That should do it. And I rarely have more than 2 hot things at the same time, so well even two is pretty rare, a couple of trivits would probably do me.
Well, to bed now I think.
Jessica
Well, we've broken the 100 hits level. Probably today, not sure, haven't checked the statistics over the last few days. Quite a while I think before I get to 1000. We'll see. Eventually I'll get there if I keep posting. So, well here it is, here's my comment about it. Somehow, I'm not as excited about it as I thought I would be. Maybe that's because of what is going on in my life right now. I really don't know. Likely. So, well I think I need sleep. Feeling good and tired. Oh. Another post for today.Jessica
Friday, July 14, 2006
Getting caught up...
I know it's been a while since I last posted. I'm not really sure why. I guess in a way things have been really busy, but I've been mostly creating that busyness. So what did I last say?
Yeah, it's been about 5 days since I last posted. Well, um. The food is going well so far. The other stuff? The sexual stuff? Well not so good. I'm maybe being more rigid with that, I don't know. I've had some close calls with the eating, but I'm calling today day 10. Not so with the sexual stuff. And maybe that points to where some of my energy should be going. Instead of ignoring it. But I don't want to look at that. It's too painful. And I really don't know how to take care of myself around those issues. I know it's important, I know it's effecting a lot of my life. Still, I'm not wanting to do that. I don't even want to do the first step work. And I know that's suposed to be where you start. I know I have to work on that.
What else, I went to the Initiation Group at Mental Health and Addictions. It's an addictions group, I feel like I fit in there. I think a lot has to do with the fact that what I am dealing with is just as much an addiction, as is somone who is dealing with cocaine dependence. Yes there are different physicial factors involved, the whole psycho-social-spiritual factors are very similar.
I'm in Rossland. Visiting my parents. Trying to relax a bit. I have quite a bit coming up, I'm getting behind in my email. I'm hoping that I can get caught up over the weekend.
What's going on with me. I'm going to Weekthun http://nelsonbuddha.com/images/weektun-poster.jpg which should be a good time for me. Before that (the Friday before it starts (on the Saturday)), I'll be in Vancouver talking to two psychiatrists, and hopefully getting the approval that I need to get surgery. I don't know if it's going to happen. I'm really scared that it won't, and that I'm going to break down because I've put this effort in, and all that, and still, I'm not going to be getting the surgery, and I need to continue living in this limbo. Sorry, I'm really feeling in the hungry ghost realm right now, and I really want to get back to the human realm. I know that's about me, not my situation. It's just really hard for me right now.
I think I'll leave that at that, and go to bed. More in the next week, then I'll be gone for about 11 days.
Jessica
Yeah, it's been about 5 days since I last posted. Well, um. The food is going well so far. The other stuff? The sexual stuff? Well not so good. I'm maybe being more rigid with that, I don't know. I've had some close calls with the eating, but I'm calling today day 10. Not so with the sexual stuff. And maybe that points to where some of my energy should be going. Instead of ignoring it. But I don't want to look at that. It's too painful. And I really don't know how to take care of myself around those issues. I know it's important, I know it's effecting a lot of my life. Still, I'm not wanting to do that. I don't even want to do the first step work. And I know that's suposed to be where you start. I know I have to work on that.
What else, I went to the Initiation Group at Mental Health and Addictions. It's an addictions group, I feel like I fit in there. I think a lot has to do with the fact that what I am dealing with is just as much an addiction, as is somone who is dealing with cocaine dependence. Yes there are different physicial factors involved, the whole psycho-social-spiritual factors are very similar.
I'm in Rossland. Visiting my parents. Trying to relax a bit. I have quite a bit coming up, I'm getting behind in my email. I'm hoping that I can get caught up over the weekend.
What's going on with me. I'm going to Weekthun http://nelsonbuddha.com/images/weektun-poster.jpg which should be a good time for me. Before that (the Friday before it starts (on the Saturday)), I'll be in Vancouver talking to two psychiatrists, and hopefully getting the approval that I need to get surgery. I don't know if it's going to happen. I'm really scared that it won't, and that I'm going to break down because I've put this effort in, and all that, and still, I'm not going to be getting the surgery, and I need to continue living in this limbo. Sorry, I'm really feeling in the hungry ghost realm right now, and I really want to get back to the human realm. I know that's about me, not my situation. It's just really hard for me right now.
I think I'll leave that at that, and go to bed. More in the next week, then I'll be gone for about 11 days.
Jessica
Monday, July 10, 2006
Manythings....
Well here goes, another post. Day 5. Of no compulsive overeating. Hm... What day of no Acting Out? Well that happens to also be 5. Just about ready to go to bed. So, cool.
Computer stuff. Take a look at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/index.php/ArmispianSystems:Computers:Gypsy to see what is going on on this machine. It's my personal machine. I think I've got some exciting things going on. Right now I'm streaming to myself. OK, not really that exciting, but it is to me. Some nice work with mastery that is going on with that. I don't have backlinks to the whole thing, but you can also look at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/ and work forward from there. Two story ideas started there. I note that I'm actually not putting a whole lot of risk by putting them publicly like that as they are licenced "Creative Commons-Attirbbution-Share Alike", so technically I'm allowing people to use it as long as they allow people to use what they create to do the same with it as I do.
What else, I went for a walk today. Yesterday I put more money on the camera, I'm now at $185 of Aproximately $950. I'd like to get a spare battery, and a few extra goodies, but that will come after I get the camera itself.
The walk today was really nice. It was the first time that I walked more or less my usual walk. Not quite, because the lake is too high still, and I walked back along the path instead of along the "beach" which really isn't a beach yet. But getting closer every time I go down there. I'd like to get down there about 5 times per week on average, a minimum of 3 times, aiming for 6. Still working on that.
I've been ripping CDs to my computer, and right now am listening to those ripped CDs through the computer. I'll back them up before I do anything with the computer major. I'll see how the whole thing works tomorrow. May have a working Windows 2000 partion by tomorrow night. It seems Windows 2000 won't work correctly on a qemu virtual machine.
That is about it for tonight. Short paragraphs tonight :)
Jessica
Computer stuff. Take a look at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/index.php/ArmispianSystems:Computers:Gypsy to see what is going on on this machine. It's my personal machine. I think I've got some exciting things going on. Right now I'm streaming to myself. OK, not really that exciting, but it is to me. Some nice work with mastery that is going on with that. I don't have backlinks to the whole thing, but you can also look at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/ and work forward from there. Two story ideas started there. I note that I'm actually not putting a whole lot of risk by putting them publicly like that as they are licenced "Creative Commons-Attirbbution-Share Alike", so technically I'm allowing people to use it as long as they allow people to use what they create to do the same with it as I do.
What else, I went for a walk today. Yesterday I put more money on the camera, I'm now at $185 of Aproximately $950. I'd like to get a spare battery, and a few extra goodies, but that will come after I get the camera itself.
The walk today was really nice. It was the first time that I walked more or less my usual walk. Not quite, because the lake is too high still, and I walked back along the path instead of along the "beach" which really isn't a beach yet. But getting closer every time I go down there. I'd like to get down there about 5 times per week on average, a minimum of 3 times, aiming for 6. Still working on that.
I've been ripping CDs to my computer, and right now am listening to those ripped CDs through the computer. I'll back them up before I do anything with the computer major. I'll see how the whole thing works tomorrow. May have a working Windows 2000 partion by tomorrow night. It seems Windows 2000 won't work correctly on a qemu virtual machine.
That is about it for tonight. Short paragraphs tonight :)
Jessica
Saturday, July 08, 2006
More stuff...
Well I guess I'm now at the start of day 4. Yesterday wasn't good in terms of healthy ballanced eating, but it was good in terms of not compulsively overeating. So, yes I can say day 4. So far, today is looking better. Maybe should have a bit of a snack in a bit. Well, my plants are looking good. Well most of them. A couple I'm wondering if they'll survive the summer. I'll just have to wait and see, and if they don't well that's two pots that I have for when I want to add more plants to my collection.
I'm thinking of applying to the one (and I think only one) housing co-op in Nelson. There may be other similar situations, I don't know. Something I can afford that is healtier than living in this place. Maybe even have a little more space for myself. I haven't got it all together yet though, and it could be a long waiting list. But as I've lived more than 3 years in this place, I figure I can keep it up until I can get into the place I think best suits my needs. Sure I won't be close to downtown. That's not such a big deal. I'm a short walk (15 minutes) from downtown from that location, and that's close enough. And I'd have a good reason to have a bike too.
I guess that's it for now. I'm going to put some more money down for my Camera. That gets me well on my way. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll be able to put the same amount down again. Then again in 3 weeks maybe actually purchase the camera. Yes it means going with out for some things. But that's workable. Maybe for August I'll be able to buy the other camera. Then be well on my way to getting my portfolio together.
Jessica
I'm thinking of applying to the one (and I think only one) housing co-op in Nelson. There may be other similar situations, I don't know. Something I can afford that is healtier than living in this place. Maybe even have a little more space for myself. I haven't got it all together yet though, and it could be a long waiting list. But as I've lived more than 3 years in this place, I figure I can keep it up until I can get into the place I think best suits my needs. Sure I won't be close to downtown. That's not such a big deal. I'm a short walk (15 minutes) from downtown from that location, and that's close enough. And I'd have a good reason to have a bike too.
I guess that's it for now. I'm going to put some more money down for my Camera. That gets me well on my way. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll be able to put the same amount down again. Then again in 3 weeks maybe actually purchase the camera. Yes it means going with out for some things. But that's workable. Maybe for August I'll be able to buy the other camera. Then be well on my way to getting my portfolio together.
Jessica
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Abstenance.
Or however you spell it. Oh look a little spell check thing. I could use that.
Yesterday I did not eat compulsively. I'm not sure what got me through. It just worked that way. So far today has been the say. Can it be that I can actually string two days together of abstenance? That would be really cool. I don't know when the last time that I got two days with no compulsive eating in... It could have been a long time ago.
Well, I think I'll leave it at that for now. I journaled 2 pages last night before going to bed. Felt good to write about things going well. So, I kept writing.
Jessica
Yesterday I did not eat compulsively. I'm not sure what got me through. It just worked that way. So far today has been the say. Can it be that I can actually string two days together of abstenance? That would be really cool. I don't know when the last time that I got two days with no compulsive eating in... It could have been a long time ago.
Well, I think I'll leave it at that for now. I journaled 2 pages last night before going to bed. Felt good to write about things going well. So, I kept writing.
Jessica
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Paedophilia
OK, and probably some other stuff.
I recieved a spam message that pointed to some child pornography. I don't know why I followed it, I know I should have stayed away, but I was currious. ``Is this really child pornography''. The answer was a very clear yes. It really bothers me that this arrived in my mailbox. Has my email address gotten on some list of paedophiles? Quite possibly. And, yes, quite possibly precicely because I'm a paedophile. I don't act on the thoughts and feelings. At least not recently. And I've never had dirrect sexual contact with a child. I have had sexual communication, and I have looked at child pornography. I've walked a fine line. Probably have even crossed over that line at times. I want to get away from that line, but I don't know how. There used to be a Sex Addicts Anonymous group in Nelson. Right now, I can't find any information about it. Even online SAA is pretty limited. 4 online meetings a week that are officially recognised. I'm sure there are others. I really don't know why there isn't more support out there. It's partially because of the topic. I just know I've looked for help in a number of places at a number of times, and have found it really difficult to get the help that I need. Still. I know that I have to deal with the sex adiction.
Now that I think about it, I think that there are people I know who actually said something about belonging to SAA. Which means to me, that maybe it's not as quiet as I think it is. Maybe just not wanting to be too public about it, as there are lots of reasons that a person might be voyueristic with regards to a SAA meeting. I know some sex adicts would just love to go to a SAA meeting. Not to abstain from sexual addiction, but to engage that addiction. Then there are others that will want to come to attack people. So, yes, there are reasons to hide it. And who knows, maybe there isn't the support there. It's not an addiction that people accept as a geneuine addiction.
And yes, that is one of the reasons I'm not going into the SSW program. One of them. There are others, which to me are more important. Still, that is a very big one. And I've always felt that I could deal with that on my own. Alas, it seems that may not be the case. And, I also don't have the support to deal with it with the help of others at this time.
So, well, I'll leave that there.
Jessica
I recieved a spam message that pointed to some child pornography. I don't know why I followed it, I know I should have stayed away, but I was currious. ``Is this really child pornography''. The answer was a very clear yes. It really bothers me that this arrived in my mailbox. Has my email address gotten on some list of paedophiles? Quite possibly. And, yes, quite possibly precicely because I'm a paedophile. I don't act on the thoughts and feelings. At least not recently. And I've never had dirrect sexual contact with a child. I have had sexual communication, and I have looked at child pornography. I've walked a fine line. Probably have even crossed over that line at times. I want to get away from that line, but I don't know how. There used to be a Sex Addicts Anonymous group in Nelson. Right now, I can't find any information about it. Even online SAA is pretty limited. 4 online meetings a week that are officially recognised. I'm sure there are others. I really don't know why there isn't more support out there. It's partially because of the topic. I just know I've looked for help in a number of places at a number of times, and have found it really difficult to get the help that I need. Still. I know that I have to deal with the sex adiction.
Now that I think about it, I think that there are people I know who actually said something about belonging to SAA. Which means to me, that maybe it's not as quiet as I think it is. Maybe just not wanting to be too public about it, as there are lots of reasons that a person might be voyueristic with regards to a SAA meeting. I know some sex adicts would just love to go to a SAA meeting. Not to abstain from sexual addiction, but to engage that addiction. Then there are others that will want to come to attack people. So, yes, there are reasons to hide it. And who knows, maybe there isn't the support there. It's not an addiction that people accept as a geneuine addiction.
And yes, that is one of the reasons I'm not going into the SSW program. One of them. There are others, which to me are more important. Still, that is a very big one. And I've always felt that I could deal with that on my own. Alas, it seems that may not be the case. And, I also don't have the support to deal with it with the help of others at this time.
So, well, I'll leave that there.
Jessica
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Quietness and pain...
I woke up in the morning with a really sore back. Actually went to bed with a really sore back. It got worse over night, and then continued to fluctuate through the day, getting worst around 14:00. I know that I just need to start taking better control of things. Maybe I'll go for a swim tomorrow. I'm going to head to bed soon. Got a few things to do.
I'm back in Nelson. It was nice to have a couple of days away. Almost exactly 48 hours. A little more. Had lunch at the Main Street Diner. They have a nice menu, with some nice Greek dishes on it. I'd like to say that today was a good day eating. It wasn't. That's OK. there always is the next 24 hours. This weekend I ate a lot of meat. I might go back to that. I just wish I could do vegetarian. It's just that vegetarian protein is harder to digest, and it takes more thinking to figure out what you're going to eat when it comes to getting ballanced complete protein.
I guess I took a break from entering this. That's pretty much my day. I slept a good part of the afternoon, and into the evening. Letting my back settle. Going to take some Tylenol right now, and get some sleep.
Jessica
I'm back in Nelson. It was nice to have a couple of days away. Almost exactly 48 hours. A little more. Had lunch at the Main Street Diner. They have a nice menu, with some nice Greek dishes on it. I'd like to say that today was a good day eating. It wasn't. That's OK. there always is the next 24 hours. This weekend I ate a lot of meat. I might go back to that. I just wish I could do vegetarian. It's just that vegetarian protein is harder to digest, and it takes more thinking to figure out what you're going to eat when it comes to getting ballanced complete protein.
I guess I took a break from entering this. That's pretty much my day. I slept a good part of the afternoon, and into the evening. Letting my back settle. Going to take some Tylenol right now, and get some sleep.
Jessica
Hit counter statistics...
I have almost 50 hits to today. This is about a week into the time that this has been up. It looks like if I don't post, I don't get the hits. That's totally understandable. What I find interesting (and it only shows me the top, not what percentage that top is, and what the second from the top is, etcetera) is that Microsoft is the top browser and top OS. With Internet Exploder 6.x and Windoze XP respectively. I try to avoid both of these products myself, and highly recomend that people use alternatives if possible. All of my clients are using something different, the most mainstream one is using Windoze 2000 Proffesional, and Mozilla Firefox, and Thunderbird. I have a like for Firefox and Thunderbird. I also use Opera for some things, but have grown to like the Mozilla products, thus prefer them for my own use.
With the way that this web counter is showing up, I'm thinking maybe I want to see if I can create my own web counter that maintains all of the statistics I would like. The exact count of number of pages etcetera. I think I can do this. It will take some time. The basic text counter will work fairly quickly. The graphical components it will take me some time to work on. Very important components to my portfolio I think.
Jessica
Lots of stuff...
I've not blogged in a long time. Been really busy, and not taking the time to blog. Still have not had a day free of compulsive overeating. Maybe tomorrow will be day one for me. This would be totally great if that were the case. I have been working on the new computer tonight. You can look at some of what is there by going to http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/. Some things I want to keep from public view. Currently those are being kept from public view by moving them in and out of the htdocs dirrectory.
I've been in Rossland for a while. I came by the noon bus from Nelson. Dad picked me up in Trail. I dropped off a roll of film at Doel Photo. I like the results I get from them better than the results that I get from Vogue Studios. That may be who is doing the printing, the printing process, or even just the different paper that is used. It might be ``better'' from Vogue, but I'm used to what I get from Doel, so I'll stick with that. I have as of yet not tried to get prints from the same negatives from both places. It could be I take poor quality rolls to Vogue, and good quality rolls to Doel.
What else. Well I see I haven't blogged since Tuesday. My dead worm bin, has started to show signs of life. Unfortunately, the signs of life when you have dead animal flesh. That is magots. I'm kind of happy about this, my bin isn't dead, and kind of upset, aren't you suposed to freak out totally when you get magots in your house? I'm tending more towards happy, neutral. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm weird. I think that having nature do it's thing in my own little appartment is just amazing. Mind you, I was never happy about mice. So I'll see if I start to feel the same way about maggots. I doubt it, I've had magots in the past, with no ill effects.
Being very non-Buddhist I setup 3 fly paper traps for the flies. I hope that we obtain nirvana together. With the rate of reincarnation of flies in my appartment, that might just be really soon :). I know it's not the most ethical solution, but it's pretty practical, they die fairly quickly (I've yet to see a fly struggling on fly paper), and it doesn't put chemicals in my appartment that will harm me, my worms, or anything else that is living in my appartment that isn't getting attached to it. I set those up Friday. Before I left for Rossland.
I've been going to a lot of online meetings of Overeaters Anonymous. Sometimes as many as 4 meetings in one day. Today I managed to log in just as a meeting was starting. The meeting was very informal because there was no formal leader, but we had a good meeting. I said things that got me thinking. I need to work on my practice some more. Part of that includes my public dharma study at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/index.php/Buddhism. I want to start adding stuff there. I also want to start doing more DBT work than I have been doing. Getting things back on track. Moving towards things working better for me.
What happened? Oh on Wednsday I had a big binge. I had a bit of a discussion about what my supervisior considers assault and what she plans on doing about it. This scared the shit out of me. She said (but not expicately) that if I or anyone else touches a person in trying to remove, or otherwise handle a person she will pursue charges against that person. And this includes all kinds of thing beyond just touching a person. My Borderline Personality Disorder makes it very difficult for me to express anger apropriately. This means that at times when I feel I have no other outlet, I may act in violent ways. Which, personally I don't think should be ignored. But it also scares the shit out of me that I'm being asked to do the job that I'm being asked to as the Resident Night Manager Support Staff (my official title), while having my ability to use physicial force in extream situations away from me, while not providing me with other tools.
Maybe Leslie is just saying that to scare people into ``beahaving better''. If that's the case (and I'm not going to test it until I feel safe that to do so would not jepordise my own well being) I think that she really should consider where that's coming from. If she really means what she was saying, then I can no longer believe that she really understands what social justice is. Yes acting in a violent way is contrary to social justice, but when the system doesn't give you a way to respond that is even listened to besides that, then maybe acting in a violent way is the most skillfull means that you have available to you. I know that she doesn't have the resources to do workshops on obtaining social justice. Though, when I think about it, there are certain resources that she does have available to her, and that is having a space where a half dozen or so people can meet that is relatively quiet and relatively private, having time that that space can be used, having people who live in the building who believe strongly in social justice. Yes, more tools would be desirable, but you know, this is the start of something. She doesn't have to organise things, but I personally think that if she were willing to open to this oportunity, and start the ball rolling, she might get a core group that are interested in social justice and working for it within the building.
Maybe I'm wrong. But I think I'm not the only person who is willing to put things in to help the wellfare of all people in the building. I often wonder though. People often are very self focused in that building. It's hard not to be. Would people be willing to shift their focus if they saw others willing to do the same? Maybe. Maybe I should see if I can get the ball rolling regarding that. Though I also think of myself when I think about that. Do I have the energy to do anything in that regards? I know that I have not got the energy to be very involved in Pride. So, another project? I really don't know.
I've been dealling with being very triggered around food issues. I can leave something, let it pass, but it doesn't mean that it's dealt with. But maybe it's not something that can be changed. The question is, how much effort am I willing to put into something before I say that it can't be changed. And what do I really want to do with that. There are a lot of things in the building that at best would take a huge effort to change. Or, I could make the less extream effort of moving. I'm planning on looking into some of my options for moving. There might be some situations that are not more expensive that provide a safer living envirionment, that mostly only take time to get into. One person, and one person only, actually suggested some ideas as to moving. Maybe other people don't think of these ideas. Maybe other people just believe really strongly that making decisions when in crisis is ``just wrong'', that they don't care what the situation is, they won't help a person make that kind of decision while the person is in crisis.
Yes, I want to move. I can't afford much more than I currently pay. I just want some place that is safer for me. That doesn't draw in the drug user crowd, that believes in colaboratively developing policy and it actually happening that way. That people living there really want to make it a safe place to live, and willing to put some effort into doing just that. And where, when nescesary people can be banned from the building when their meer presence in the building is detrimental to the safety of people. Where it doesn't take a restraining order or something before such action is taken.
I know I've said a lot. I also know there is a lot more that is going through my head right now. I'm going to see how the sleep thing works out for me tonight.
Jessica
I've been in Rossland for a while. I came by the noon bus from Nelson. Dad picked me up in Trail. I dropped off a roll of film at Doel Photo. I like the results I get from them better than the results that I get from Vogue Studios. That may be who is doing the printing, the printing process, or even just the different paper that is used. It might be ``better'' from Vogue, but I'm used to what I get from Doel, so I'll stick with that. I have as of yet not tried to get prints from the same negatives from both places. It could be I take poor quality rolls to Vogue, and good quality rolls to Doel.
What else. Well I see I haven't blogged since Tuesday. My dead worm bin, has started to show signs of life. Unfortunately, the signs of life when you have dead animal flesh. That is magots. I'm kind of happy about this, my bin isn't dead, and kind of upset, aren't you suposed to freak out totally when you get magots in your house? I'm tending more towards happy, neutral. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm weird. I think that having nature do it's thing in my own little appartment is just amazing. Mind you, I was never happy about mice. So I'll see if I start to feel the same way about maggots. I doubt it, I've had magots in the past, with no ill effects.
Being very non-Buddhist I setup 3 fly paper traps for the flies. I hope that we obtain nirvana together. With the rate of reincarnation of flies in my appartment, that might just be really soon :). I know it's not the most ethical solution, but it's pretty practical, they die fairly quickly (I've yet to see a fly struggling on fly paper), and it doesn't put chemicals in my appartment that will harm me, my worms, or anything else that is living in my appartment that isn't getting attached to it. I set those up Friday. Before I left for Rossland.
I've been going to a lot of online meetings of Overeaters Anonymous. Sometimes as many as 4 meetings in one day. Today I managed to log in just as a meeting was starting. The meeting was very informal because there was no formal leader, but we had a good meeting. I said things that got me thinking. I need to work on my practice some more. Part of that includes my public dharma study at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/index.php/Buddhism. I want to start adding stuff there. I also want to start doing more DBT work than I have been doing. Getting things back on track. Moving towards things working better for me.
What happened? Oh on Wednsday I had a big binge. I had a bit of a discussion about what my supervisior considers assault and what she plans on doing about it. This scared the shit out of me. She said (but not expicately) that if I or anyone else touches a person in trying to remove, or otherwise handle a person she will pursue charges against that person. And this includes all kinds of thing beyond just touching a person. My Borderline Personality Disorder makes it very difficult for me to express anger apropriately. This means that at times when I feel I have no other outlet, I may act in violent ways. Which, personally I don't think should be ignored. But it also scares the shit out of me that I'm being asked to do the job that I'm being asked to as the Resident Night Manager Support Staff (my official title), while having my ability to use physicial force in extream situations away from me, while not providing me with other tools.
Maybe Leslie is just saying that to scare people into ``beahaving better''. If that's the case (and I'm not going to test it until I feel safe that to do so would not jepordise my own well being) I think that she really should consider where that's coming from. If she really means what she was saying, then I can no longer believe that she really understands what social justice is. Yes acting in a violent way is contrary to social justice, but when the system doesn't give you a way to respond that is even listened to besides that, then maybe acting in a violent way is the most skillfull means that you have available to you. I know that she doesn't have the resources to do workshops on obtaining social justice. Though, when I think about it, there are certain resources that she does have available to her, and that is having a space where a half dozen or so people can meet that is relatively quiet and relatively private, having time that that space can be used, having people who live in the building who believe strongly in social justice. Yes, more tools would be desirable, but you know, this is the start of something. She doesn't have to organise things, but I personally think that if she were willing to open to this oportunity, and start the ball rolling, she might get a core group that are interested in social justice and working for it within the building.
Maybe I'm wrong. But I think I'm not the only person who is willing to put things in to help the wellfare of all people in the building. I often wonder though. People often are very self focused in that building. It's hard not to be. Would people be willing to shift their focus if they saw others willing to do the same? Maybe. Maybe I should see if I can get the ball rolling regarding that. Though I also think of myself when I think about that. Do I have the energy to do anything in that regards? I know that I have not got the energy to be very involved in Pride. So, another project? I really don't know.
I've been dealling with being very triggered around food issues. I can leave something, let it pass, but it doesn't mean that it's dealt with. But maybe it's not something that can be changed. The question is, how much effort am I willing to put into something before I say that it can't be changed. And what do I really want to do with that. There are a lot of things in the building that at best would take a huge effort to change. Or, I could make the less extream effort of moving. I'm planning on looking into some of my options for moving. There might be some situations that are not more expensive that provide a safer living envirionment, that mostly only take time to get into. One person, and one person only, actually suggested some ideas as to moving. Maybe other people don't think of these ideas. Maybe other people just believe really strongly that making decisions when in crisis is ``just wrong'', that they don't care what the situation is, they won't help a person make that kind of decision while the person is in crisis.
Yes, I want to move. I can't afford much more than I currently pay. I just want some place that is safer for me. That doesn't draw in the drug user crowd, that believes in colaboratively developing policy and it actually happening that way. That people living there really want to make it a safe place to live, and willing to put some effort into doing just that. And where, when nescesary people can be banned from the building when their meer presence in the building is detrimental to the safety of people. Where it doesn't take a restraining order or something before such action is taken.
I know I've said a lot. I also know there is a lot more that is going through my head right now. I'm going to see how the sleep thing works out for me tonight.
Jessica
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