Lots of stuff...

I've not blogged in a long time. Been really busy, and not taking the time to blog. Still have not had a day free of compulsive overeating. Maybe tomorrow will be day one for me. This would be totally great if that were the case. I have been working on the new computer tonight. You can look at some of what is there by going to http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/. Some things I want to keep from public view. Currently those are being kept from public view by moving them in and out of the htdocs dirrectory.

I've been in Rossland for a while. I came by the noon bus from Nelson. Dad picked me up in Trail. I dropped off a roll of film at Doel Photo. I like the results I get from them better than the results that I get from Vogue Studios. That may be who is doing the printing, the printing process, or even just the different paper that is used. It might be ``better'' from Vogue, but I'm used to what I get from Doel, so I'll stick with that. I have as of yet not tried to get prints from the same negatives from both places. It could be I take poor quality rolls to Vogue, and good quality rolls to Doel.

What else. Well I see I haven't blogged since Tuesday. My dead worm bin, has started to show signs of life. Unfortunately, the signs of life when you have dead animal flesh. That is magots. I'm kind of happy about this, my bin isn't dead, and kind of upset, aren't you suposed to freak out totally when you get magots in your house? I'm tending more towards happy, neutral. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm weird. I think that having nature do it's thing in my own little appartment is just amazing. Mind you, I was never happy about mice. So I'll see if I start to feel the same way about maggots. I doubt it, I've had magots in the past, with no ill effects.

Being very non-Buddhist I setup 3 fly paper traps for the flies. I hope that we obtain nirvana together. With the rate of reincarnation of flies in my appartment, that might just be really soon :). I know it's not the most ethical solution, but it's pretty practical, they die fairly quickly (I've yet to see a fly struggling on fly paper), and it doesn't put chemicals in my appartment that will harm me, my worms, or anything else that is living in my appartment that isn't getting attached to it. I set those up Friday. Before I left for Rossland.

I've been going to a lot of online meetings of Overeaters Anonymous. Sometimes as many as 4 meetings in one day. Today I managed to log in just as a meeting was starting. The meeting was very informal because there was no formal leader, but we had a good meeting. I said things that got me thinking. I need to work on my practice some more. Part of that includes my public dharma study at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/index.php/Buddhism. I want to start adding stuff there. I also want to start doing more DBT work than I have been doing. Getting things back on track. Moving towards things working better for me.

What happened? Oh on Wednsday I had a big binge. I had a bit of a discussion about what my supervisior considers assault and what she plans on doing about it. This scared the shit out of me. She said (but not expicately) that if I or anyone else touches a person in trying to remove, or otherwise handle a person she will pursue charges against that person. And this includes all kinds of thing beyond just touching a person. My Borderline Personality Disorder makes it very difficult for me to express anger apropriately. This means that at times when I feel I have no other outlet, I may act in violent ways. Which, personally I don't think should be ignored. But it also scares the shit out of me that I'm being asked to do the job that I'm being asked to as the Resident Night Manager Support Staff (my official title), while having my ability to use physicial force in extream situations away from me, while not providing me with other tools.

Maybe Leslie is just saying that to scare people into ``beahaving better''. If that's the case (and I'm not going to test it until I feel safe that to do so would not jepordise my own well being) I think that she really should consider where that's coming from. If she really means what she was saying, then I can no longer believe that she really understands what social justice is. Yes acting in a violent way is contrary to social justice, but when the system doesn't give you a way to respond that is even listened to besides that, then maybe acting in a violent way is the most skillfull means that you have available to you. I know that she doesn't have the resources to do workshops on obtaining social justice. Though, when I think about it, there are certain resources that she does have available to her, and that is having a space where a half dozen or so people can meet that is relatively quiet and relatively private, having time that that space can be used, having people who live in the building who believe strongly in social justice. Yes, more tools would be desirable, but you know, this is the start of something. She doesn't have to organise things, but I personally think that if she were willing to open to this oportunity, and start the ball rolling, she might get a core group that are interested in social justice and working for it within the building.

Maybe I'm wrong. But I think I'm not the only person who is willing to put things in to help the wellfare of all people in the building. I often wonder though. People often are very self focused in that building. It's hard not to be. Would people be willing to shift their focus if they saw others willing to do the same? Maybe. Maybe I should see if I can get the ball rolling regarding that. Though I also think of myself when I think about that. Do I have the energy to do anything in that regards? I know that I have not got the energy to be very involved in Pride. So, another project? I really don't know.

I've been dealling with being very triggered around food issues. I can leave something, let it pass, but it doesn't mean that it's dealt with. But maybe it's not something that can be changed. The question is, how much effort am I willing to put into something before I say that it can't be changed. And what do I really want to do with that. There are a lot of things in the building that at best would take a huge effort to change. Or, I could make the less extream effort of moving. I'm planning on looking into some of my options for moving. There might be some situations that are not more expensive that provide a safer living envirionment, that mostly only take time to get into. One person, and one person only, actually suggested some ideas as to moving. Maybe other people don't think of these ideas. Maybe other people just believe really strongly that making decisions when in crisis is ``just wrong'', that they don't care what the situation is, they won't help a person make that kind of decision while the person is in crisis.

Yes, I want to move. I can't afford much more than I currently pay. I just want some place that is safer for me. That doesn't draw in the drug user crowd, that believes in colaboratively developing policy and it actually happening that way. That people living there really want to make it a safe place to live, and willing to put some effort into doing just that. And where, when nescesary people can be banned from the building when their meer presence in the building is detrimental to the safety of people. Where it doesn't take a restraining order or something before such action is taken.

I know I've said a lot. I also know there is a lot more that is going through my head right now. I'm going to see how the sleep thing works out for me tonight.

Jessica