Not sure what...

I thought that I'd post as I haven't in a while. Not since like Monday or something. So a lot has gone on. Tuesday I went to Nelson for my appointment at the Chinese medicine school for my usual weekly treatment. Melissa works well with me, and is willing to go the extra bit to make things work for me. This was also true of William. That was good.

For a change on Tuesday I managed my whole day in Nelson without to my knowledge actually falling asleep durring anything. That was great. I just did some reading/contemplating/etcetera up at the centre. It was really good.

I talked to Sally today about whether I'm going to do the Shambhala Training Level II. I think if I were in Nelson, and had the money, the answer would be a definate yes. But well I'm in Rossland right now, and my money situation is pretty limited. I have to pay my parents $325 for November's rent out of my own pocket, and November has been a long month money wise for me. Though I'm surprised that I haven't gone into my overdraft this month. (Actually I have. The day before my cheque came through, 7 cheques came through throwing me $20 into my overdraft.)

My life is out of control... I have to admit that. I guess that could go back to step one of the 12 step programs (OA, SLAA for example), but I'm not sure I have to go to the 12 steps. My mind is fundementally ignorant of reality. That has to do with some sort of Buddhist principle. I just don't know what. Ah right Samsara. Which I'm not sure is nescesarily a Buddhist principle. No, it is not, though each religion that uses it, uses it slightly differently.

Anyway. What was I saying? I'm not entirely sure. Right back on Tuesday. I want to do the Level II. I'm not sure I got a good feel for Level I for some reason, and I know that doing the levels is really important to the Shambhala-Buddhist path, which I have commited myself to through taking refuge. So the question is, if it's important enough to go through another month of low money for the purposes of pursuing my spiritual path. I guess the answer to that is probably yes as my spiritual path is probably the most important thing in my life right now. I just don't know if I'm following it in a materealistic way. Gobbling it up like a good consumer. Letting my life get caught up in spitituality like I've let it get caught up in so many other things.

OK, so that's dealing with Tuesday mostly, and "The Centre". Ie. The Kootenay Shambhala Meditation Centre. Except lets see. Coming home. Yeah a bit of an interesting situation coming home. Someone asked one of the bus drivers (two people asked actually) when the next bus up to Binns was, and were told that it had left. One person just couldn't believe this. Binns is about 6 blocks up from the bus stop. One fairly shallow block, then it gets quite steep. It's not an easy walk, but well it's quite doable in fairly short order. I think the longest it has taken me to do it is about 15 minutes while going up there with my girlfriend of the time, and she was having a really hard time going up there that time. I don't actually know where along the route he lives, as it could be at the most distant part of the route from where the bus stop (main central bus stop) is, and that would be quite the walk. Not that I wouldn't have done it, but then one time I walked from Downtown Trail to my parent's (and also very much my) place one night. I don't know. I've done a lot of crazy things in my life. I think we all have. I did that instead of asking for a ride, or calling my parents. I was quite young, and if my child (not that I'm ever going to have children) did that I would really have a serious talking to them, and realy shouldn't have been doing that. But well that's what I was like in those days. Hm, a lot of what I'm like now. Though I'd probably call my parents, or call a taxi these days...

I'm really rambling tonight. Maybe that's what you readers want. A taste of my mind. That's what you're getting tonight. Maybe that's what you're getting a lot more often than I'd like to admit. I really feel totally out of it right now.

Back to the semi-linear time line. Tuesday, after I get home. Did I have a nap? No I didn't. Somehow I kept myself busy until I decided that I was going to do my daily practice. I hadn't done any formal practice at the centre. That's OK, because I just kept myself nice and busy. I could have tried to sit for a bit. It wouldn't have been to difficult to fit it in. But sitting when extreamly tired, while the body is still trying to get some sleep is a lot more difficult than trying to read in the same state. Mind you, I did loose time. Did I sleep, was I not keeping track of time, did I do my black out thing that is why I no longer even consider getting my learner's licence for a good many more years from now (and probably never will)? I don't know. I know that I looked at the time on the thermostat and it said something like 10:11, the next time? 10:28 (I think). But I had no recolection of that amount of time passing, nor any recolection of anything that would indicate that I'd clearly slept, or that I'd clearly blacked out. Now a combination? Possibly some combination of the three happened, or perhaps (hey wouldn't this be wild) I was abducted by aliens. But aren't aliens a big other? I have said that I'm not doing that big other thing... Oh well...

I got home, I ate, and did some stuff that I have no idea what it was any more, but some stuff, then I sat for about 110 minutes. That was a really great sit. I felt really connected, I didn't feel like I was loosing connection with the object. I was just really connecting well. But maybe I was just really just about ready to pass out, and my mind was "lets just do whatever it is that she wants us to do and maybe she'll let us have a little nap afterwords. Telling her that she really really really needed to sleep wasn't working earlier, so we'll try this...". Or something like that.

Then I read, and finially fell asleep.

Wednesday. I had a good massage in the morning, was pretty decently awake when I got up, and was able to get down there. Then when I got done with the massage I was just about ready to give up on ever being able to do focused activities again. It just felt so good having my body feel like that, but I couldn't focus at all. I was practically at the point of falling asleep walking home. Hard to sleep and walk at the same time. I've heard people have done it, I know I've come close, and some times have probably even done it, but it's hard. You run into things, you trip over things, that sort of thing, and you wake up and damn it, you're embarased. There was absoltely no reason for you to be in the middle of the field and what was that cow doing there anyway? She's OK, you're just a little confused human, with no intent of harming her, or even milking her...

So I got home and slept for large parts of the day. I came home and meditated. Wasn't a great session, but it was OK. So I meditated and then had a nap. Then dad woke me up asking for some help planning lunch. But he'd had lunch basicially planned. Except for the details. He wanted me to cook it. Which, honestly I can't remember what it was that I cooked. It had broccoli and zucchini in it. I know I posted about that somewhere. I've been largely incohherent lately. At least as far as I'm concerned. I can't focus on what I want to focus on. Which to be honest I'm not sure what that is.

This I think brings me to today, Thursday. Well again I had a good sleep today. Hm, lets see. Tuesday I'm out of commission because I'm in Nelson. Wednesday I'm out of commission because I'm recovering from Tuesday. Thursday, well it's a half worth while day, but I'm still recovering. Friday, that's my day, except for some reason my case manager has a thing for meeting on Friday, and I've not felt the least bit interested in asserting myself with her right now, as I just want to fire her to be honest, so just go with what works for her. Friday afternoon. So that's another few days recovering which brings me to Tuesday again. Maybe I should email or phone her and see if I can get the appointments on Tuesday morning. Probably not possible. She's probably got something regularly schedualed. But hey won't find out if I don't ask. And that "probably not" is just me catastrophising again. I don't know.

So tomorrow. At 9:30 I have to be in Trail to talk to the resperatory medicine people (sleep related I can't remember what she said it was, but for the sleep study). I guess we talk about stuff, and then I take home a machine to do a one night (or do we do the weekend (Friday Saturday Sunday)?) sleep study at home. Which in a way is good. It means I sleep like I "normally" do. More or less. Do I normally sleep at all normally? Sometimes, but not tonight. So well there it is. Tonight's post. Whatever it is...

Jigme Datse

Monday and meeting friends

I got up relatively early today. I know for some of you it might not be that early. I had actually woken up much earlier, but I just didn't want to admit that I was awake, so I stayed in bed and just lay there awake, but not that awake. I had got to bed at about 02:00. This is a time that I should have definately been sleeping already by. But I'd had some computer troubles, and was trying to resolve them before going to bed, and then I went and did my evening practice. This was good, but damn it, that woke me up. So I then read for a bit. Read on Devotion in the book Breath of the Buddha which is a collection of writings by Chögyam Trungpa. I am feeling that the "book by" doesn't really work in this situation as it was created after his death. Which really raises the question for me. Is there a Trungpa who is his re-birth? Not really sure.

I got up, had breakfast, quite a nice breakfast actually. My food today has been controlled but large. I want to get back into the OA group in Nelson. I miss that. I miss the people there. I really miss Nelson in general. Sure I break down almost every time I go there, but well I want to get back. I think the breaking down has a lot to do with the fact that I don't at least have a place to go that I can call my own. I do go to the centre and spend time there. I want to start putting more back into the centre when I get back. I know I'm using it a lot to just be a place of safety while I'm in Nelson. This is a little hard, I feel a little guilty about that. Still, it's a fair use of the centre, and I do meditate there if I'm able to when I'm there. Hm, is that lazyness? I don't really know.

I met with a friend today, a sangha member. She lived in Nelson, and has since moved to Rossland. It was a really great time. We talked for about 2 hours. It was really nice to catch up with her. Hm.. Odd, I feel strange actually saying her name. I don't know why. Maybe because she isn't as public on the Internet as I am. She does have a web site, and she does promote her art work through the web site.

When I came home from that, I had lunch. I then went and had a nap until I was woken up by my dad saying "lets plan dinner". Well he wanted me to cook dinner. That would have been good to know. The idea of making decisions about what to eat, and making dinner are rather different. If I knew I was making dinner, I could have got myself to wake up, make dinner, and then eat dinner. Thinking I was just helping plan the meal I really don't want to wake up, because well I just want go to sleep right after we have done the planning and let my dad cook the meal.

That's kind of it. I created a new blog for my Buddhist stuff. That will let me do little articles or writing or whatever you want to call it on different Buddhist topics. There should be a link off to the right. I'm not sure that I've got it there, but if it's not there now, it should be there when you read this.

Jigme Datse

Blogging in the morning...

I haven't really blogged at this time for some time. I did blog yesterday. Yesterday afternoon. I'm really not sure what I'm going to say here. I guess lets start from yesterday afternoon...

I'm not sure what all I was doing. Oh, I helped my dad cook dinner for my mum, well all of us. We had carrots and salmon and rice. Was a nice meal. We had a Green and Blacks white choclate bar for desert. I really enjoy the Green and Blacks chocolate.

After dinner we started to watch a recorded episode of New Tricks. Then we got to the time that Midsommer Murders was starting, and watched that. Dad and I watched the end of New Tricks. It was really quite good. And who everyone thought did it didn't. In fact, it was those who were saying that it was the other guys that did it. But hey that's kind of a spoiler, but not really.

Then I took my meds, but really didn't feel like going to bed. Watching TV, especially intense TV at that time of night means I don't feel like going to bed. I came back downstairs and spent some time on IRC chatting. That was good. I got an old friend on my friend's list again, tamouse. I was surprised that she had somehow ended up not there. So, I did that, checked out some of her latest posts. And well finially got tired, and just wanted to get to sleep, so I went to bed. And well had a wonderfull sleep.

I'll update more later.

Jigme Datse

Apointments this week....

I had apointments this week. All in Nelson. So well I just got on the early bus, spent however much time I needed to there, and got back to Rossland. It's hard for me. It's hard to get through that.

Lets go back to Tuesday. I had an apointment with my doctor. Sadly a male doctor. My favourite doctor well, her practice is not open right now, so I can't see her. She's really cool, and well I knew her first as a regular person who was coming to the Shambhala Centre. Had a hard time wrapping my idea of doctor around my idea of her. Then I saw her working emerge. Twice now. Both times I went because well I was kind of having a really rough time. Well. That wasn't what I was wanting to talk about, and I didn't complete that thought, but maybe later I'll post about how she's really given me a good idea of just what a doctor should be like. Trust me, it's not like certain doctors I see there. They don't practice mindfullness in there practice of medicine.

The doctor I saw. Well I was kind of upset that I had to go see a male doctor. But I needed to find what I hope will be a perement doctor, and the only female doctor that I know of with an open practice is at the drop in clinic. Which kind of doesn't feel like a permenent doctor solution. So, I just went with what my heart-mind was telling me was the best option for me of the ones I was being offered. So far... Well it seems to be good.

He listened to me. I really just wanted to connect with him. And say what's been going on. Not nescesarily have him do anything. Well talked about things, talked about the tiredness. And also the pain (which has been better since starting the gabapentin). He surprised me when I talked about the tiredness. He didn't want to look at my medication right away. He wanted to refer me to the sleep clinic. So well that seemed like a step in the right dirrection. I've been thinking about sleep clinic for some time, but silly me I didn't think to suggest it. And even now, I haven't suggested it. So that was good to have a doctor that wants to look at other options than medication, and really wants to look at them, rather than just say, "Oh it's your medication, and I don't want to adjust that". Lets actually find out what is going on with my sleep? Am I actually sleeping? Do I have sleep apnea that is an issue? I know sometimes I wake up with sleep apnea. But always figured that was the only time that it was happening. That might be a silly assumption. So, we're going to look at my sleep. First a local study, hopefully within the next couple of weeks. Then maybe a more thorough examination which aparently can only be done in Kelowna.

Then later on Tuesday I saw my accupuncturist. She was really good. That's been one of the best things for my well being since I started that. I'm so glad that Dr. Lichtenstein suggested that. She thought it might help for the pain that I was experiencing. Maybe it's just the way that people work with me, or something, maybe it's placebo, but damn it works well some times. And a lot has to do with how well I'm able to sit back and say "Well I've got to work on getting this treatment to work". Part of that is during the treatment, part is after. The durring is always easiest. Afterwords it's more difficult some times. Like if I have to take the bus back from Nelson to Rossland. I really should be getting lots of fluids in me, and taking it easy, probably laying down for like half an hour or so. Still. That just isn't likely to actually be how it works if I'm coming back. And the treatment doesn't take as well. Which is really unfortunate. But we did talk about the importance of getting weekly treatments. Which I agree with. Even if all it is that I get frome it is the way that I get feedback on how Melisa sees what she's seeing going on with me. That is enough...

Then I had a couple days of no apointments. Which I took really easy, and well didn't even do what I really needed to do, like get outside, get excercise, etcetera. I slept. Which I also needed to do. And well I basically just slept. Ate meals. That sort of thing.

Then I had an apointment on Friday, yesterday. I saw P'Nina my case manager. That was hard. I'm not sure how good that time was. It's hard to communicate with her. I just want her to reflect what's going on. I'm not in a place that I feel comfortable focusing on change right now. I know she keeps mentioning "radical acceptance". The fact is, I do need to work on acceptance. I know that I'm not actually being very accepting of what's going on. But I feel that she's using that as a change intent. I don't know. I guess that I just am having a hard time with it. Though, she is right about some stuff. I want to be in Nelson. And well I guess the only "healthy" place that I can live that I can afford is Ward Street Place. I know, it's not a great place to live, but I want to live in Nelson, and maybe it's the best place to live that I can afford. Sure I could share, but really it's an unusual situation that would work for me. So, well I live in this particular flavour of substandard housing. But... Well but, what? I don't know. I don't know. I think that's about it for the apointment with P'Nina.

I went to an art show, and well out for Indian food before. It was really a nice evening. Then pretty much as soon as I got back, I went to bed. That's what my week's been like.

Jigme Datse

About to head to bed, for an early morning...

I have an early morning tomorrow. I have to catch the 06:20 bus that will get me to Nelson. I have an accupuncture treatment tomorrow afternoon in Nelson. This will be my third trip to Nelson since I moved back to live with my parents. Maybe I won't break down this time. I've been having really hard times when I'm in Nelson since I moved back here. I'm just looking to see if I can find a place to live. Though, honestly, I'm not sure that I'm going to find that. Some how I'm considering moving to a larger centre again. But right now, I'm not likely to move outside of BC. And I can't think of a mid sized centre that I'd like to live in.

I have thought about Vancouver, but it's really expensive to live anywhere "nice" in Vancouver. Mind you, I know people who are low income who were living in the west end. Maybe there are places in the west end, or Comercial Drive areas that are affordable for someone with income similar to what I have. I really don't know.

Maybe I'll just stay in Rossland. At least my parents are here. And it's actually cheaper to live in Rossland than Nelson. Still, I would not be able to get back and forth when I want to. I don't know. Maybe it's time to pull up roots, and find a new place to live. I'm not sure I want to live outside of Nelson, nor does it seem like I can afford to live in Nelson. I really have to see. Move forward. Maybe moving forward means making a big move. Get out of the Kootenays. Maybe shrink my ecological footprint by living more urban.

Jigme Datse

Dinner...

Just thought I'd post something about dinner.

Dinner is what I'm about to eat. It's really simple. Really carnavore type meal. Lamb ribs, and apple crisp. I'm kind of upset that I haven't managed to stay vegetarian, or even close to being vegetarian since I've moved back in with my parents. I like to eat with them. They eat a lot of meat in my mind (less than the average American, but still lots in my mind). And well I guess I just find it really difficult to not eat the meat. (oh damn, I forgot the brown sugar.... Well, we'll see how it goes. If it works great. If not then I can try to remember it next time).

So, well that's a bit stream of conciousness. I guess some of the stuff that I put up here is precicely that. I rarely know where a post is going until I push the publish button.

Today was the first day since Friday that I've been able to get through the day without absolutely needing a nap. Maybe that's medication. I think for me it's more likely the fact that I didn't get to sleep Thursday night. But also, I think my body is getting used to the medication.

What else? Maybe more later. We'll see...

Jigme Datse

Switch to Blogger Beta

I have switched to blogger beta. I don't know how much difference this will make for people who are reading my blog, or more specifically how much difference it makes to those who are commenting on my blog. It looks like things actually look pretty good in terms of my usage. Differences for sure. I'll see how things look in the settings thing as well. So here it is, my first post from Blogger Beta.

Jigme Datse

Sleep...

Well. I guess I've really been needing a lot of sleep lately. I should figure out just what I need, and how to get a regular schedual. Maybe not trying to work on a 24 hour day is going to be the way to go. Though it's really hard to do that when you're living with other people, and sharing meals and things.

My day today, well I guess I slept until a long time. I got up at a decent hour, then I slept a lot of the time today. But I'm going to get at least 3 loads of laundry done. I guess laundry is an important thing right now. I kind of need to start going through the stuff that I moved here. Get rid of the stuff that I really don't need/want. That's going to be hard. I want to make it easier to move next time I move.

I think that's about all I have said. I'm starting to post to my LiveJournal journal. Maybe you can check that out. Also check out my friends there. They're all good people. Some have a lot to say. Some are a lot like me and say very little for long periods of time.

Jigme Datse

Trip to Nelson and lack of sleep...

I guess I'll start with the lack of sleep. I got next to no sleep last night. Maybe about half an hour. I don't really know. Seemed like I didn't sleep at all, but I probably slept some. That really makes it well different I guess is a good word, to get through a day that I did not have much oportunity to sleep durring the day. Mind you, I have a friend who seems to be looking at working on a 28 hour day. That seems to be a good idea to me. Though it would put me out of sync with "the rest of the world" a lot of the time. Not that I'm in sync with the rest of the world now. But maybe just letting sleep happen when it happens, sleeping until I've got a good amount of sleep, and then doing things durring the time that I'm awake and alert might make things better for me.

Well, Nelson. What I did today. I went to Nelson. Caught the 6:20 Bus that takes me from Rossland to Castlegar, and connects with the bus that takes me to Nelson. I slept a bit on the bus there. I got to Nelson, had a soy chai at Oso, and did a few things before my apointment at 9:00. I kept checking to see if the building manager was in today. Eventually I saw someone was in the office, and well it was Gerald who works at Stepping Stones and is the primary replacement for Leslie the Building Manager when she's not able to come in.

Unfortunately Gerald is not someone I can easily talk to. I don't know why. Maybe because he's male. Maybe because he really lacks some basic conversation continuing skills. And Maybe it's just because he's weird in a way that just doesn't apeal to me. Hm, or because he doesn't seem to be interested in going beyond the surface, ask the "What were you expecting to be here?" type questions when you ask if there is anything there for you. I'm really hoping that by Tuesday the damage deposit cheque is there. I know that Leslie would have it for me imediately if she could do so, but she can't. The thing is, I haven't paid rent here at my parents' yet. And really, they do deserve it, and well they won't get it until either I get money, or social services finds a way to write that cheque to them.

I missed my bus back. I could have made it to the bus. I could have just waited when I thought "Oh I have time to go over to social services and check things out". Apparently I didn't. So I hitched back. By the time that I got to the hitching spot I wasn't more than normally suicidal. It seems I always have extream emotions coming up when I'm in Nelson, and no where to go. No where to take them.

I know the Shambhala centre is there. That's a good space. But I can't get online. That's really annoying. That's one of my main supports right now. And I can't "Go home". There is no home for me. OK, here is kind of home. But I don't know. It seems more like a hotel on a really crappy vacation than a home. Crappy not because of what's going on here. Crappy because of what's going on in my head. That just doesn't work well for me. I still haven't been able to shake that crappy feeling.

Well, what else. I picked up my meds, I thought they'd made a mistake with them, but apparently not. Well maybe there's a mistake in the computer, but they didn't make a mistake with what they gave me, or with the reciepts that I recieved. So I'll just accept it. The little page that shows what I'm suposed to take when was wrong though. It had extra rispirdone on it. Oh well. That's OK.

My rides back were pretty good. Not as good if I'd caught the bus. But I know I could have only missed it by about 2 minutes. But 2 minutes is still 2 minutes. Maybe it was "around the corner" and I was talking with one of my old neighbours because I thought it was earlier than it was. Oh well.

Kind of rambling here. I think that's about it. I had a really good nap after I got home. Got home cold and wet. Had a bath. It wasn't very hot. And then, well I just had a nap. Several hours. That's OK I guess. Then we had a light late dinner.

That, I guess is it. Some time on the computer, and now I think I'm off to bed.

Jigme Datse

Interesting phone call...

I got a phone call from the police tonight. That kind of set me off. I really don't know why, the police aren't suposed to be bad people. But you know what. I kind of agree with Spider when he says you have to be careful of them. Oddly, I've not had much good expereience with police so, well I kind of feel that in itself may help explain why I feel so shitty about even hearing from them.

They had "good news" for me. I'm not sure how to take it. Clearly I need more help than I've been getting. That to me at least is clear. And the result of the good news? Well now I "Know" I won't access services that I haven't been accessing, because well I'm just a normal crazy again. So what if I assualted this person. It doesn't matter. Why? Because well the person I assaulted doesn't want to persue charges. Maybe, I could have given a case for finding something more intense. But maybe I just have to access things through the Shambhala centre. Some of that stuff is really intense. Maybe I just need time. I don't know. More daily practice. No more skipping out because I just don't feel like it.

Jigme Datse

Sleep and other things...

I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night. A lot going on in my head. I've been having a hard time getting to sleep a lot of the time. And often in the evenings I just want to end it all. Commit suicide. But you know, I think the Tibetans have it right when they say Tashi Delay, "Congratulations, You're alive". Sometimes it's hard to accept that when your mind keeps throwing up "I want to die. Life's not worth living. Just let this all end." I guess I could say that the "Borderline Stuff" is really coming up.

I've decided that maybe a lawyer can help me. I don't really know. Maybe a lawyer can help me get the sentence that is apropriate. Mind you, in an advisarial system I'm not sure that is really possible. I don't know how I'm going to figure out how I'm going to get what I need.

I'm thinking maybe living with people might help. I don't know. There are a couple Sangha members who are possibly looking for people to share a house with. I tend to flip flop on the issue of living with people, but really I would much rather live in a house than live in an apartment complex. Except, sometimes the idea of living with other people is really difficult to take. There is a lot of fear with that. And maybe I --- Jigme Datse, Fearless Crescent Moon --- need to lean into that fear. Maybe it will be a really good thing.

I guess for now I'll leave that there. I know my spelling isn't great. But it's there. I think it's understandable. I'm kind of a Grammar Fuzzy I guess. Though sometimes I'm more Nazi ish, I'm never ... Oh what are they called? Not sure... Anyways one of those who is really blatant about ignoring gramatical rules. Oh well....

Jigme Datse

Lots of stuff going on....

Now I realise a lot has definately gone on. I also realise that maybe I shouldn't be posting some of this stuff, but for my sanity, it helps. And that alone is enough reason to post it. I'm totally freaking out about my court date. A couple days ago I was getting pretty intensely suicidal about it. The thing is, I don't have a lawyer, and that in itself is kind of scary. I really don't know what to do about that. I called the legal aid office, and never got a call back. Maybe I moved before they got a chance to call. I don't know. I really don't want a lawyer. I know what I did. I know it was wrong. I know what the concequences are. I don't intend to do anything but plead guilty. I also wonder what the heck is going on. *WHY* did I get charged for this offence? Who pressed charges? I probably will never know. I'm just scared as can be that I'm going to jail. And possibly for a good while. I don't really know. You know. I think I'm going to leave that at that, and go chat for a bit. More blogging later.

Jigme Datse

Long time no post...

I haven't posted in a long time. I want to post daily ideally. I have gone and moved back to my parents, which means I'm a long way away from all my friends. This is a good thing. It means I want to figure out how to get back to Nelson as quickly as possible. But after living almost 4 years in substandard housing I have a few things that I almost absolutely require. An oven. A bathroom that is my own (OK, if I'm sharing with people that I feel comfortable with, I'll share a bathroom, but I don't want a bathroom that I am sharing with 30 other people). I'd love gass. I'd love lots of space to move around. I'd love to have a pet. Those are not nescesary. I need to have a place that I'm not forced to walk through a common area where there are things going on that I don't really wish to engage in (hours and hours of TV, bitching and complaining about things that really aren't all that important, etcetera). I know I'm being fussy. That's the way you get. Still, I need to find some place better to live than where I was living. Otherwise, I'll go out of my mind. I won't be taking care of myself, and the same kind of stuff that was going on will go on again. I'd really like a house. There is no way I can afford a house though. I realise I probably don't want to be sharing space. I'd rather have some place too small for me to be totally comfortable in, than sharing space with someone who makes it difficult to live with them (for whatever reason).

I did take refuge. My new name (though I haven't decided just how I'm going to use it), is Jigme Datse, Fearless Crescent Moon. That was good. I've been more on top of my practice. Partially because of what drove me to wanting to move so suddenly. Right now I don't want to go into what that was. I just want to keep this as a pretty factuall thing. Things aren't great, but I'm alive, I'm not incarcerated anywhere. I just have to start learning to take now for all there is. Now is the most important time. At least in my mind...

Jessica