Not sure what...

I thought that I'd post as I haven't in a while. Not since like Monday or something. So a lot has gone on. Tuesday I went to Nelson for my appointment at the Chinese medicine school for my usual weekly treatment. Melissa works well with me, and is willing to go the extra bit to make things work for me. This was also true of William. That was good.

For a change on Tuesday I managed my whole day in Nelson without to my knowledge actually falling asleep durring anything. That was great. I just did some reading/contemplating/etcetera up at the centre. It was really good.

I talked to Sally today about whether I'm going to do the Shambhala Training Level II. I think if I were in Nelson, and had the money, the answer would be a definate yes. But well I'm in Rossland right now, and my money situation is pretty limited. I have to pay my parents $325 for November's rent out of my own pocket, and November has been a long month money wise for me. Though I'm surprised that I haven't gone into my overdraft this month. (Actually I have. The day before my cheque came through, 7 cheques came through throwing me $20 into my overdraft.)

My life is out of control... I have to admit that. I guess that could go back to step one of the 12 step programs (OA, SLAA for example), but I'm not sure I have to go to the 12 steps. My mind is fundementally ignorant of reality. That has to do with some sort of Buddhist principle. I just don't know what. Ah right Samsara. Which I'm not sure is nescesarily a Buddhist principle. No, it is not, though each religion that uses it, uses it slightly differently.

Anyway. What was I saying? I'm not entirely sure. Right back on Tuesday. I want to do the Level II. I'm not sure I got a good feel for Level I for some reason, and I know that doing the levels is really important to the Shambhala-Buddhist path, which I have commited myself to through taking refuge. So the question is, if it's important enough to go through another month of low money for the purposes of pursuing my spiritual path. I guess the answer to that is probably yes as my spiritual path is probably the most important thing in my life right now. I just don't know if I'm following it in a materealistic way. Gobbling it up like a good consumer. Letting my life get caught up in spitituality like I've let it get caught up in so many other things.

OK, so that's dealing with Tuesday mostly, and "The Centre". Ie. The Kootenay Shambhala Meditation Centre. Except lets see. Coming home. Yeah a bit of an interesting situation coming home. Someone asked one of the bus drivers (two people asked actually) when the next bus up to Binns was, and were told that it had left. One person just couldn't believe this. Binns is about 6 blocks up from the bus stop. One fairly shallow block, then it gets quite steep. It's not an easy walk, but well it's quite doable in fairly short order. I think the longest it has taken me to do it is about 15 minutes while going up there with my girlfriend of the time, and she was having a really hard time going up there that time. I don't actually know where along the route he lives, as it could be at the most distant part of the route from where the bus stop (main central bus stop) is, and that would be quite the walk. Not that I wouldn't have done it, but then one time I walked from Downtown Trail to my parent's (and also very much my) place one night. I don't know. I've done a lot of crazy things in my life. I think we all have. I did that instead of asking for a ride, or calling my parents. I was quite young, and if my child (not that I'm ever going to have children) did that I would really have a serious talking to them, and realy shouldn't have been doing that. But well that's what I was like in those days. Hm, a lot of what I'm like now. Though I'd probably call my parents, or call a taxi these days...

I'm really rambling tonight. Maybe that's what you readers want. A taste of my mind. That's what you're getting tonight. Maybe that's what you're getting a lot more often than I'd like to admit. I really feel totally out of it right now.

Back to the semi-linear time line. Tuesday, after I get home. Did I have a nap? No I didn't. Somehow I kept myself busy until I decided that I was going to do my daily practice. I hadn't done any formal practice at the centre. That's OK, because I just kept myself nice and busy. I could have tried to sit for a bit. It wouldn't have been to difficult to fit it in. But sitting when extreamly tired, while the body is still trying to get some sleep is a lot more difficult than trying to read in the same state. Mind you, I did loose time. Did I sleep, was I not keeping track of time, did I do my black out thing that is why I no longer even consider getting my learner's licence for a good many more years from now (and probably never will)? I don't know. I know that I looked at the time on the thermostat and it said something like 10:11, the next time? 10:28 (I think). But I had no recolection of that amount of time passing, nor any recolection of anything that would indicate that I'd clearly slept, or that I'd clearly blacked out. Now a combination? Possibly some combination of the three happened, or perhaps (hey wouldn't this be wild) I was abducted by aliens. But aren't aliens a big other? I have said that I'm not doing that big other thing... Oh well...

I got home, I ate, and did some stuff that I have no idea what it was any more, but some stuff, then I sat for about 110 minutes. That was a really great sit. I felt really connected, I didn't feel like I was loosing connection with the object. I was just really connecting well. But maybe I was just really just about ready to pass out, and my mind was "lets just do whatever it is that she wants us to do and maybe she'll let us have a little nap afterwords. Telling her that she really really really needed to sleep wasn't working earlier, so we'll try this...". Or something like that.

Then I read, and finially fell asleep.

Wednesday. I had a good massage in the morning, was pretty decently awake when I got up, and was able to get down there. Then when I got done with the massage I was just about ready to give up on ever being able to do focused activities again. It just felt so good having my body feel like that, but I couldn't focus at all. I was practically at the point of falling asleep walking home. Hard to sleep and walk at the same time. I've heard people have done it, I know I've come close, and some times have probably even done it, but it's hard. You run into things, you trip over things, that sort of thing, and you wake up and damn it, you're embarased. There was absoltely no reason for you to be in the middle of the field and what was that cow doing there anyway? She's OK, you're just a little confused human, with no intent of harming her, or even milking her...

So I got home and slept for large parts of the day. I came home and meditated. Wasn't a great session, but it was OK. So I meditated and then had a nap. Then dad woke me up asking for some help planning lunch. But he'd had lunch basicially planned. Except for the details. He wanted me to cook it. Which, honestly I can't remember what it was that I cooked. It had broccoli and zucchini in it. I know I posted about that somewhere. I've been largely incohherent lately. At least as far as I'm concerned. I can't focus on what I want to focus on. Which to be honest I'm not sure what that is.

This I think brings me to today, Thursday. Well again I had a good sleep today. Hm, lets see. Tuesday I'm out of commission because I'm in Nelson. Wednesday I'm out of commission because I'm recovering from Tuesday. Thursday, well it's a half worth while day, but I'm still recovering. Friday, that's my day, except for some reason my case manager has a thing for meeting on Friday, and I've not felt the least bit interested in asserting myself with her right now, as I just want to fire her to be honest, so just go with what works for her. Friday afternoon. So that's another few days recovering which brings me to Tuesday again. Maybe I should email or phone her and see if I can get the appointments on Tuesday morning. Probably not possible. She's probably got something regularly schedualed. But hey won't find out if I don't ask. And that "probably not" is just me catastrophising again. I don't know.

So tomorrow. At 9:30 I have to be in Trail to talk to the resperatory medicine people (sleep related I can't remember what she said it was, but for the sleep study). I guess we talk about stuff, and then I take home a machine to do a one night (or do we do the weekend (Friday Saturday Sunday)?) sleep study at home. Which in a way is good. It means I sleep like I "normally" do. More or less. Do I normally sleep at all normally? Sometimes, but not tonight. So well there it is. Tonight's post. Whatever it is...

Jigme Datse