Day 2 of abstenence.

I know I danced close to the edge. I know I overeate. I feel pretty confident that I can say that I did not compulsively overeat. Still have the chips. Did I mention the chips.... I don't think so.

Yesterday (it seems like so long ago) I was having a pretty good day. I had a good morning. Had a good breakfast. I was working really well with a lot of stuff. Keeping occupied, whatever. I then decided that there was one item that I needed to pick up from the grocery store, and well had no cash on me, and I don't do plastic, and actually realised that I didn't actually have the money in the bank that I wantted so I could withdraw some money. I felt like I was a bit stuck. Sure I could go and get what I ``needed'' from the grocery store. I wanted to get other stuff as well. Then I realised that I did have a cheque that I could cash. Hm, a source of money. Yes I would have prefered to put the money into the bank, but well I decided that I'd get money in the bank today, so no real problem, and well, I'm poor. So well sometimes I'm living paycheque to paycheque. So OK cash the cheque, get some food.

I went to the co-op and got some food. There is almost always something tempting at the front. Not nescesarily something that I decide to buy, but something that I go ``yeah that would be nice''. And on so many levels. On the levels of personal satisfaction and ethicial purchasing, as well as levels of wise food choices, and healthy eating. Those tempting things that pull me into the store and make me want to shop there this time? Peaches. No I didn't buy any. I have peaches at home (hm peach before crawling into bed is a good idea). So as usual I didn't (that I remember) pick up any produce. I get my produce delivered.

What did I get. Some nice sheep brie, some bread, dried mango slices, gummy bears (binge food unwise food choice), peanuts, potato chips (2 bags) (binge food another unwise food choice), and I think some other stuff, but I c... oh some dulse flakes, and I think that may be it. Oh wait, I forgot, I got some black olive spread and what I went in for, peanut butter. I looked at the pasta sauce. I didn't like the look of it (litterally the look of it) so I decided (and othewise it would have been another unwise item in my basket) not to do the pasta thing.

I'm shopping for this stuff, I'm picking it up. I'm wanting to binge, but not really. I'm craving going into the binge foods and binging, but really what I want is to go home and have a lovely lunch. Not as much fun, not as tempting, not as easy a choice to make, and I really am noticing that it's hard for me to make the wise decisions. Othewise why would I have picked up the gummi bears and potato chips? I want that escape valve. Except really I don't. Otherwise these would be wise foods for when I really do need them. Um no, I don't need them. I just want to feed the addiction. I want to be going for that food when I just feel like I can't cope. So this is all going through my head, I'm letting it do it's thing, I'm trying to convince myself to put the chips and gummi bears back, I can't.

What do I normally do? I go home and well those bags of chips those are the start of my lunch. Hm, bread with olive spread and brie on would go nicely on the two bags of chips. For a finial thing the gummie bears will go down quite nicely. A nice two thousand calorie meal. Not a bad start for the day. Maybe a pint of sorbet, and well I guess finishing off the ice cream (about 750 ml) would be a pretty good way to go. And now I need to purge. And now I'm really pissed at myself. I'm mad that I've let myself do this. I'm mad that I'm even capable of doing this. And I'm especially mad that I'm willing to eat all of that only to puke it up, or shit it out.

What did I do? I had a nice lunch of bread, olive spread, and brie. Sure more calories than I probably really need, not the greatest decision, but well it's a huge improvement.

So, the potato chips are still there. They may come with me to Rossland. Give them to my mum. Just quietly put them in the pantry. Rather that than put them out here or throw them out. Sure my mum's addicted, but she's got some pretty good balance there.

Today, well I got to bed at 05:00 last night, not looking a bit better tonight. That I'm pissed about. And you know, it's also something that I really honestly don't know that I can do anything about it right now. I mean yes I can get to bed at 11:00 every night. I just don't think I'm ready for that, or that my living situation is conducive to that. I'm working on it. I'm addicted to imbalance, and this is where I am living that imbalance right now. So, it honestly looks like I may not be getting to yoga this week. I'm pissed about that. It's largely my own doing. I know I have to shift some things.

Who was I talking to about the yoga timimg? I think it was Kathy. The masters of counselling student who is doing her final practicum at mental health and addictions. I keep seeing Robin asking me those questions. But well I don't think it was her, because that would have been at the Shambhala Centre, and somehow that doesn't quite work for me. I just think there is just some reason I'm linking Kathy and Robin together.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed now. Just shaking my head at the fact that it is 13 minutes to 5 right now and I really can't say that the time this evening was well spent. Oh well, now it is the time that it is, and I am going to go to bed and try to be gentle with myself.

Jessica

Just stuff, stuff and more stuff...

I was looking for my journal that has been missing for over a week (I need to send out a search party I think, anyone care to join the search party, I'm affraid it may die if it isn't found soon), and found my 2006 Wicca Almanac, and decided that I'd look at what the world is bringing up in the almanac that is interesting, and I found that the moon is new and entering Virgo on Wednesday afternoon. I guess there is a conflict with the practice and education committee meeting on Wednesday so the Sadhana of Mahamudra is on Tuesday instead.

So, I didn't find my journal. Well the one I write in every night when I know where it is. Well sort of. In any case it is missing in action. I found it last Monday, but I couldn't locate it when I was looking for it in the evening. I'm not sure where it may have ended up. I might call Diane who helped me clean my appartment and see if she might remember anything about it. Somehow I doubt it. I know I have a lot of those books in my appartment. Most of them are my personal journals. Back to 1994. Not that I was journalling every day at that point, or really any large enough time frame throughout that time, but I believe it has been pretty close.

I was away from Nelson for the weekend. I went to Rossland to do some computer stuff and connect up with family. The computer stuff went OK. I installed Adobe Creative Suite 2 trial onto my dad's computer. Somehow I'm not sure that he's going to get a chance to check it out in the next 30 days or so. That doesn't really matter all that much. If he does, great, if not, no big deal really. Setup so that we have moved one computer right next to another computer, and so that the two computers share the same monitor, keyboard and mouse through a KVM switch.

Also did some stuff with some of the web services on one of the machines. Which um isn't doing the right thing right now for some reason. I don't know why. I'll hopefully figure it out in the morning tomorrow.

I haven't made it back to the yoga centre yet. I'm hoping to get there on Wednesday, and I really expect that I will. Unfortunately I won't get there tomorrow because I have a massage appointment in the middle of the Mysore time. Oh well. Tomorrow night I plan on doing the Sadhana of Mahamudra at the Shambhala Centre.

I think that's about it right now. So, to bed in a bit, then up early in the morning, or at least try to.

Jessica

Email posting...

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I don't know how the email posting works, I want to try it out, and see
if that might be a viable way to handle posting to the positive body
blog. This is just a short post to see how it works.

Jessica
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First day doing Yoga

I did yoga for the first day in a long long long time. Hm, something like more than 32 years, but wait, no I have done some yoga before, it was a bit of Kundulini yoga with Lana. This was Ashtanga/Mysore. I am about to go to bed so that I'll be able to get up in the morning early enough to go to the Mysore session tomorrow. I want to get my money's worth as quickly as possible. End of next week I feel like I'll probably have it all together.

For the yoga I wrote a cheque that went into my line of credit. I knew I could do that safely, and I should have money in there on Friday so, it may not even go into my line of credit.

The yoga was great. Mysore is a self paced group practice. I did the two sun salutations and 6 standing postures. And something at the end. I forgot that bit. I remember the corpse pose, and another pose that I really don't have the strength to do. The practice was really intense. I don't think I hydrated enough today, and really think I need to work more on that if I'm going to be doing this practice regularly.

The whole trans stuff came up. I can't wear anything which is tight in that area without showing. I know some people have found ways around this. That seems even more uncomfortable than just putting some kind of pants on. And that has been a real stretch for me.

I'm doing the Yoga at Shanti Yoga which is just around the corner from where I live. I'm about half way between Shanti, and the Shambhala Centre. A little closer to the Shambhala Centre. That is maybe a bit revealing. Still, I haven't had problems that I couldn't handle. And even those were mostly self inflicted for the most part.

That is probably what I want to say. I saw Kathy who is seeing me while P'Nina is away. That has been really good. Though P'Nina tends to challange me more. Robin challanges me the most. But then the proffesional relationship with Robin is ending (well even though it's not technically ended yet, probably practically has). My feeling about why she is the one that challanges me the most is because she isn't afraid to form a personal relationship, and that actually worked out well for me. We had a dual (at least) relationship, and while some schools of counselling suggest that dual relationships are troublesome, I feel that honest setting of boundries between the various relationships that you do have, and work with them effectively.

I think that's also another thing, when I talk with Robin about tonglen, she knows what I'm talking about, and well less so, when I talk to her about the DBT stuff, she also knows what I'm talking about. The major areas of my life she intersects with well. I can think of a few other people who that is true of also.

Well, I guess it's time for me to take my meds, and curl up in bed. Get 5 or so hours of sleep. That would be better than last night I think.

Jessica

A week back, almost...

I've been back for a week. I'm not really sure what happened in this week. I've been staying away from the computer, and staying away from a lot of things. I've had a few good walks. I got two rolls of film back when I got back to Rossland for the weekend. Yes, I get my parents to deal with my film. Why? I like the end product better. I don't really know why. It just seems to have better colour and everything with the machine at Doel Photo. Maybe it's just me, but my mum has agreed with that.

As I said, I really don't know what I did this last week. A few walks. Good. Well, one walk. And it was a short walk. Something significant happened on that walk, but maybe it wasn't all that significant. Well, I noticed that the lake has gotten down to a pretty much normal level. Oh, some of the photos I got back were of the lake at the peak I saw it. May have been higher at some other time, but this must have been near peak.

I came to Rossland. We had a nice walk on the Black Jack ski trails. I got some computer work done. Even got my parents' new DVD player hooked up. Unfortunately I think we are going to be loosing one channel of audio with it until I get the stereo signal from the DVD player mixed to a mono audio signal I can put into the VCR.

Hazel was asking about weekthun. Well it was good. I think that I got more or less what I expected. Lots of sitting, lots of keeping occupied. I had a regular schedual for the first time in a very long time. I really think I'd like a 3 day a week or maybe 2.5 day a week job durring the day to give me a regular schedual. I now realise just how hard it is for me to maintain a schedual, and how good it is for me to do that.

But, I continue to sleep a lot durring the day. Since I got back, my doctor has increased one of my medications, it is really helping with the pain. I wake up in a lot less pain. That is really good. I'm not sure if maybe it also means that I'm having a harder time staying awake durring the day.

Weekthun, yes, that was requested. It was really good. No electricity for a week, well no AC electricity for a week. We did have various battery controlled things like flashlights, tooth bruushes, um, what else, cameras (Stephen has a few pictures up on his blog http://dondrup.blogger.com/ that are good). I might post a few pictures tomorrow, I don't know. Some of my pictures well, they're rather different. Photos of things most people would really shy away from. I don't know, do I take them because they make people uncofortable? Or do I take them because I find beauty in them despite the fact that many people find them repulsive. That's odd.

Russ gave some really good talks about the experience of the 8 conciousnesses, the five sense conciousnesses, the mind conscousness, then the other two I really don't know a whole lot about, one is a kind of storehouse consciousness, the other is I think some link between the first 6 and the 8th. A lot on the sense consciousnesses. That, I could kind of work with. Then we also worked with the other three consciousness a little bit. I know for me, what worked well for me to connect with my meditation practice was sight and sound. I had a lot of trouble with taste and smell. And touch was somewhere in between there.

Touch is something that actually I worked a lot with. There were some people there who were regularly touching me. I know this is an area which I have difficulty with. I rarely seek out touch, at least not in a healthy way. And when I do get in a situation where touch becomes something important in the communication I tend to get very confused. I know in recent memory I've had situations where the touch I felt was conveying a lot of loving and careing, but in the end it seemed like that was either overrulled by some other thing, or I was mistaken. I'd like to believe that something changed, that while that careing didn't go away, something came up that caused the person to choose to bury it. Maybe conciously, but most likely not conciously.

I also find that while I can express trust on certain levels easily (like falling backwards into a person's arms and trusting they will catch me before I hit the floor (no, I've never hit the floor doing this, but sometimes come very close)), but on the emotional level, trusting my feelings, especially my feelings about what another person is feeling towards me is really poor. Sometimes I find myself feeling that the person feels exactly as I do, and really finds me someone they would like to have a lot of contact with. Other times, I don't trust that the expressions of affection that I receive from them are really because they feel that way.

Then I really wonder what it is that makes this matter, and I realise that it is probably ego, and my way of looking at the world in very dualistic ways. That the world, or a situation, or whatever is either one, or it's another. The world is either black, or it is white. Or maybe the world is full of evil, or it is full of love. The or of these two things, is an exclusive or, that is, it's one or the other, but not both.

I know I've said a lot. I'm not sure I said a lot about what it was that really was why I wanted to write this. I guess it's hard at times.

That will be it for tonight.

Jessica

Weekthun....

I just got back from weekthun. Well not just got back, I got back about 10 hours ago, and should be sleeping. I'm very tired, and I want to go back and live in my tent. There are no mice in my tent. Well there weren't out there. I have mice in my appartment, and they are very rude mice. I have to deal with them. I tried to plug a hole, I've plugged it several times, but they are back running around my appartment. I need something better to plug the hole with. It's in my floor. Any suggestions?

I too saw the rainbow or whatever that atmospheric optical effect of the mind was. Stephen posted a picture of it. Somehow it was more spectacular in person. And it seems that we manifested a storm this afternoon, just after we left, well a couple hours after we finially packed up. Jessica posted about the storm, but didn't realise it was auspicious :). Anyway, I'm going to go to bed. So, maybe more over the next few days. It was great, even the crappy bit in the middle. And the crappy bit in the middle was all me. And my ego. And thinking. And...

Jessica

Psychiatrists' apointment...

Yes I made it to the psychiatrists appointment. One step closer to getting surgery. I don't think that I had to worry much about it. Well my doctor, and even my case manager agree that I can get surgery at this time. P'nina my case manager is I think a little less enthusiastic about it. Though I think she likes to err on the side of caution and not having me take risks that could be a significant blow to my self esteem.

So, how did it go? Really well actually. There were two psychiatrists who I expected there, and one other person who I didn't expect there, and I don't know if she was a psychiatrist or some other proffesional. They asked me a bunch of questions that I've gone over, but have yet to write a script about (hey I have to be honest, and being honest means talking from where I'm at, not from where I was at when I wrote the script). It was somewhat difficult. They were glad to see that I'm getting ongoing counselling. They generally I think felt that I am indeed a good canditate for surgery, and that the surgery should proceed shortly.

Some surprises, but I was kind of expecting some surprises. The one surprise that I wasn't expecting and really hadn't even considered is the loss of choice as to what surgeon to go to. There is now a surgeon looking for a hospital to do the surgery in, who is located in Vancouver, and I either pay for getting surgery from someone else, or get MSP to pay for this surgeon. Well, he only has a wait list of 40 patients, I don't know how much surgical time he's likely to be able to get, so I don't know how quickly he will get through the list. I would think at the most rapid (and this may even be unrealistic) he'd be able to get through that list in about a month. That list is growing, but I'll be contacted probably fairly soon about some of that.

Then I spent the day in Vancouver, mostly shopping. Almost exclusively shopping. Got a new answering machine (now you can leave me messages). It seems that sometimes the answering machine I have refuses to take messages, which is very annoying. Got some books inclidng The Gateless Gate which is a classic Zen text which I've been reading since I got on the bus. Looks like I have some good reading to get caught up on, if I have time on my retreat. I'll probably be able to read a few cases per day. They don't take long to read. I'm not really trying to understand them. I'm just reading them to get a feel for them. Maybe when I get back I'll start to try to realise the meaning of the koans.

That's about it. My parents got a new scanner which they are hoping to connect to the new computer. Right now, I think I am going to try to get an hour or two of sleep. Maybe even 3 hours.

Jessica

Today...

I slept most of the morning. I managed to get up, but then had a nap. OK, so that's better than usual. And I didn't get to bed until something like 03:00 last night, so maybe it's not so bad. Well, it's coming on 02:00 and well I haven't gotten to bed yet. Still probably at least a couple of hours of time before I go to bed. So well, doesn't look like I'll get to bed until something like 04:00 tonight. Damn that sucks. Tonight thankfully it's something productive, just wish I got it done before now. Well, we'll see how long it takes.

What did I get done today. I went for a walk this afternoon. I spent a lot of time on the computers. Got some stuff installed on one computer, but unfortunately it's not working. Oh well, we'll see if we can get it working, or maybe change the hardware that we have purchased and replace it with something compatable with the software we have. This machine has been a real frustration.

Working on backing up all 4 machines. Well the four main machines. Not the two laptops which are not currently in use. Well, time to check that backup upstairs...

OK, looks like I might get some sleep in about an hour or so. It looks like the next step of the whole backup might actually take long enough that I don't want to stay up for it. I'll see how it all looks when I'm at the point that I'll be backing up the ``next'' machine. As of now, 1 machine is partially backed up (about half), and 1 machine is on it's way to being fully backed up (should be in about an hour), then I have the two machines that I haven't backed up at all, or have only partially backed up, and get those done. Might take some time. I'll see how it all goes, looks like it could be a while. I'll see.

That's kind of it. Doing a lot of work on getting computers to do what I want them to do, or what whoever is mostly going to be using the computer wants them to do. Damn it takes a long time to back up these machines. Wish I had realised that before. 4 machines, about an hour to do the burn to DVD on each machine, and then, well whatelse? Right creating the backup files, and transfering those backup files to the computer that does the backup. So it's slow at times.

I'm finding that I have too much to do in the amount of time that I have to do it. So, something has to go. And I want that something to be something that I'm choosing to go, not something that I just haven't gotten to in a long long time, and just deciding maybe it's time to let it go. That won't work. I think maybe the thing that has to be made lower priority is chatting on IRC except for the chats that are related to 12 step groups I belong to.

Oh, well. I forgot to finish this off... Well here it is finished, probably more than 12 hours after it started. I don't know. Somewhere in that range.

Jessica

Some things that went on today...

I thought that there wasn't a lot that went on today. I was on a confrence call from 08:00 to 09:30 for the Shambhala Database, and then I went to see P'Nina. That was a good appointment. A lot came up. I realised that I need to work on my skills, and on other stuff as well. And I really plan on doing that. Well, that's the plan right now. I have an appointment on the 1st with a Master's student, who will be seeing me while P'Nina is away. That I hope works out well. I'll see when I see her. I guess in a way, I'm not doing that well right now. It's more of a matter of realising that overall there are a lot of issues that are not getting dealt with, and wanting to deal with them. Not entirely sure that I will be totally present for Weekthun, I know that it depends a lot on how things go with the psychiatrists appointment down in Vancouver. I know by the end of the week, I'll be doing pretty good, it's just that the begining, I may feel pretty spaced out and in need of support. Well, I'm not sure I'll get it there. Maybe it will all be good.

After my appointment with P'Nina a friend, well not sure I would call her a friend, but an aquantance of mine, who considers me to be a friend, came by, was with her from about 10:30, to 13:00, and that was a lot of time to be around this person. She really means well, and not only does she mean well, she means really really really really well. The thing is, she's someone that I find that it's difficult for me to be around, because she is never satisfied that she's giving enough for what she's receiving. I honestly don't know how she gets through the month with the way that she is constantly giveing to people in ways they never expect, and well just in pretty insanely giving. I know I should be really greatful, but I kind of feel hurt that she's willing to sacrifice herself to the extent that she does. In that time, I had some short reprives as she had to go to the bathroom very frequently (was driving me crazy, and I consider how often I go to the bathroom pretty insane, but well, her situation is like an order of magnitude more frequent than I have to go). I *can't* go that frequently.

I saw my doctor, that was good, hadn't seen her in a while. Not sure how long, but it's been a while, and well I guess I should have seen her sooner, but nothing was pressing, and I didn't. She keeps getting on me about going swimming. Well, I washed my bathingsuits today. So, well maybe I'll go. I don't know. I should really get to the pool and go swimming. But I don't know how I'll pay for that. I'll see. That hits another sore point for me. Maybe I should talk to city and see what they think about providing passes for people on dissability. I doubt that idea would go over well. Somehow the city doesn't seem to want to put money into that kind of thing. Putting money into development on the other hand they consider sound fiscal policy. They do I believe give money to some programs, and support affordable housing in some small measure. But from what I've heard, there is *one* place in Nelson that is affordable housing available to anyone. Everything else has a limited scope.

Now, I seem to be rambling. I then had lunch, nothing major, can't eat major in my mind, and still consider it abstenence. I really have pulled close to the line, and I'm sure, I generally eat more than I need to. I guess for me is noticing how unfit I am. I should be able to jog up those stairs before I get to the point of feeling as stressed as I do walking up them at a normal, or possibly slightly slow pace. Well that was yesterday. I do need to work on getting more active though. I didn't go for a walk today. I haven't gone on a proper walk in several days. I should be getting an hour swimming in three days a week. But, I haven't been in the pool for well over a year. Wait, it's been over 2 years I think. That's not good.

Well, I got to Rossland, my parents picked me up. My dad installed a countertop by my window. That will be a great place for me to do my food prep now. Of course, it's going to get cluttered. But it's probably going to be food and cooking clutter almost exclusively, so that's good. I lost my radiator that I would put hot things on. Still, I think I'll get a couple of trivits, and see how that goes. That should do it. And I rarely have more than 2 hot things at the same time, so well even two is pretty rare, a couple of trivits would probably do me.

Well, to bed now I think.

Jessica

Well, we've broken the 100 hits level. Probably today, not sure, haven't checked the statistics over the last few days. Quite a while I think before I get to 1000. We'll see. Eventually I'll get there if I keep posting. So, well here it is, here's my comment about it. Somehow, I'm not as excited about it as I thought I would be. Maybe that's because of what is going on in my life right now. I really don't know. Likely. So, well I think I need sleep. Feeling good and tired. Oh. Another post for today.

Jessica

Getting caught up...

I know it's been a while since I last posted. I'm not really sure why. I guess in a way things have been really busy, but I've been mostly creating that busyness. So what did I last say?

Yeah, it's been about 5 days since I last posted. Well, um. The food is going well so far. The other stuff? The sexual stuff? Well not so good. I'm maybe being more rigid with that, I don't know. I've had some close calls with the eating, but I'm calling today day 10. Not so with the sexual stuff. And maybe that points to where some of my energy should be going. Instead of ignoring it. But I don't want to look at that. It's too painful. And I really don't know how to take care of myself around those issues. I know it's important, I know it's effecting a lot of my life. Still, I'm not wanting to do that. I don't even want to do the first step work. And I know that's suposed to be where you start. I know I have to work on that.

What else, I went to the Initiation Group at Mental Health and Addictions. It's an addictions group, I feel like I fit in there. I think a lot has to do with the fact that what I am dealing with is just as much an addiction, as is somone who is dealing with cocaine dependence. Yes there are different physicial factors involved, the whole psycho-social-spiritual factors are very similar.

I'm in Rossland. Visiting my parents. Trying to relax a bit. I have quite a bit coming up, I'm getting behind in my email. I'm hoping that I can get caught up over the weekend.

What's going on with me. I'm going to Weekthun http://nelsonbuddha.com/images/weektun-poster.jpg which should be a good time for me. Before that (the Friday before it starts (on the Saturday)), I'll be in Vancouver talking to two psychiatrists, and hopefully getting the approval that I need to get surgery. I don't know if it's going to happen. I'm really scared that it won't, and that I'm going to break down because I've put this effort in, and all that, and still, I'm not going to be getting the surgery, and I need to continue living in this limbo. Sorry, I'm really feeling in the hungry ghost realm right now, and I really want to get back to the human realm. I know that's about me, not my situation. It's just really hard for me right now.

I think I'll leave that at that, and go to bed. More in the next week, then I'll be gone for about 11 days.

Jessica

Manythings....

Well here goes, another post. Day 5. Of no compulsive overeating. Hm... What day of no Acting Out? Well that happens to also be 5. Just about ready to go to bed. So, cool.

Computer stuff. Take a look at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/index.php/ArmispianSystems:Computers:Gypsy to see what is going on on this machine. It's my personal machine. I think I've got some exciting things going on. Right now I'm streaming to myself. OK, not really that exciting, but it is to me. Some nice work with mastery that is going on with that. I don't have backlinks to the whole thing, but you can also look at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/ and work forward from there. Two story ideas started there. I note that I'm actually not putting a whole lot of risk by putting them publicly like that as they are licenced "Creative Commons-Attirbbution-Share Alike", so technically I'm allowing people to use it as long as they allow people to use what they create to do the same with it as I do.

What else, I went for a walk today. Yesterday I put more money on the camera, I'm now at $185 of Aproximately $950. I'd like to get a spare battery, and a few extra goodies, but that will come after I get the camera itself.

The walk today was really nice. It was the first time that I walked more or less my usual walk. Not quite, because the lake is too high still, and I walked back along the path instead of along the "beach" which really isn't a beach yet. But getting closer every time I go down there. I'd like to get down there about 5 times per week on average, a minimum of 3 times, aiming for 6. Still working on that.

I've been ripping CDs to my computer, and right now am listening to those ripped CDs through the computer. I'll back them up before I do anything with the computer major. I'll see how the whole thing works tomorrow. May have a working Windows 2000 partion by tomorrow night. It seems Windows 2000 won't work correctly on a qemu virtual machine.

That is about it for tonight. Short paragraphs tonight :)

Jessica

More stuff...

Well I guess I'm now at the start of day 4. Yesterday wasn't good in terms of healthy ballanced eating, but it was good in terms of not compulsively overeating. So, yes I can say day 4. So far, today is looking better. Maybe should have a bit of a snack in a bit. Well, my plants are looking good. Well most of them. A couple I'm wondering if they'll survive the summer. I'll just have to wait and see, and if they don't well that's two pots that I have for when I want to add more plants to my collection.

I'm thinking of applying to the one (and I think only one) housing co-op in Nelson. There may be other similar situations, I don't know. Something I can afford that is healtier than living in this place. Maybe even have a little more space for myself. I haven't got it all together yet though, and it could be a long waiting list. But as I've lived more than 3 years in this place, I figure I can keep it up until I can get into the place I think best suits my needs. Sure I won't be close to downtown. That's not such a big deal. I'm a short walk (15 minutes) from downtown from that location, and that's close enough. And I'd have a good reason to have a bike too.

I guess that's it for now. I'm going to put some more money down for my Camera. That gets me well on my way. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll be able to put the same amount down again. Then again in 3 weeks maybe actually purchase the camera. Yes it means going with out for some things. But that's workable. Maybe for August I'll be able to buy the other camera. Then be well on my way to getting my portfolio together.

Jessica

Abstenance.

Or however you spell it. Oh look a little spell check thing. I could use that.

Yesterday I did not eat compulsively. I'm not sure what got me through. It just worked that way. So far today has been the say. Can it be that I can actually string two days together of abstenance? That would be really cool. I don't know when the last time that I got two days with no compulsive eating in... It could have been a long time ago.

Well, I think I'll leave it at that for now. I journaled 2 pages last night before going to bed. Felt good to write about things going well. So, I kept writing.

Jessica

Paedophilia

OK, and probably some other stuff.

I recieved a spam message that pointed to some child pornography. I don't know why I followed it, I know I should have stayed away, but I was currious. ``Is this really child pornography''. The answer was a very clear yes. It really bothers me that this arrived in my mailbox. Has my email address gotten on some list of paedophiles? Quite possibly. And, yes, quite possibly precicely because I'm a paedophile. I don't act on the thoughts and feelings. At least not recently. And I've never had dirrect sexual contact with a child. I have had sexual communication, and I have looked at child pornography. I've walked a fine line. Probably have even crossed over that line at times. I want to get away from that line, but I don't know how. There used to be a Sex Addicts Anonymous group in Nelson. Right now, I can't find any information about it. Even online SAA is pretty limited. 4 online meetings a week that are officially recognised. I'm sure there are others. I really don't know why there isn't more support out there. It's partially because of the topic. I just know I've looked for help in a number of places at a number of times, and have found it really difficult to get the help that I need. Still. I know that I have to deal with the sex adiction.

Now that I think about it, I think that there are people I know who actually said something about belonging to SAA. Which means to me, that maybe it's not as quiet as I think it is. Maybe just not wanting to be too public about it, as there are lots of reasons that a person might be voyueristic with regards to a SAA meeting. I know some sex adicts would just love to go to a SAA meeting. Not to abstain from sexual addiction, but to engage that addiction. Then there are others that will want to come to attack people. So, yes, there are reasons to hide it. And who knows, maybe there isn't the support there. It's not an addiction that people accept as a geneuine addiction.

And yes, that is one of the reasons I'm not going into the SSW program. One of them. There are others, which to me are more important. Still, that is a very big one. And I've always felt that I could deal with that on my own. Alas, it seems that may not be the case. And, I also don't have the support to deal with it with the help of others at this time.

So, well, I'll leave that there.

Jessica

Quietness and pain...

I woke up in the morning with a really sore back. Actually went to bed with a really sore back. It got worse over night, and then continued to fluctuate through the day, getting worst around 14:00. I know that I just need to start taking better control of things. Maybe I'll go for a swim tomorrow. I'm going to head to bed soon. Got a few things to do.

I'm back in Nelson. It was nice to have a couple of days away. Almost exactly 48 hours. A little more. Had lunch at the Main Street Diner. They have a nice menu, with some nice Greek dishes on it. I'd like to say that today was a good day eating. It wasn't. That's OK. there always is the next 24 hours. This weekend I ate a lot of meat. I might go back to that. I just wish I could do vegetarian. It's just that vegetarian protein is harder to digest, and it takes more thinking to figure out what you're going to eat when it comes to getting ballanced complete protein.

I guess I took a break from entering this. That's pretty much my day. I slept a good part of the afternoon, and into the evening. Letting my back settle. Going to take some Tylenol right now, and get some sleep.

Jessica

Hit counter statistics...

I have almost 50 hits to today. This is about a week into the time that this has been up. It looks like if I don't post, I don't get the hits. That's totally understandable. What I find interesting (and it only shows me the top, not what percentage that top is, and what the second from the top is, etcetera) is that Microsoft is the top browser and top OS. With Internet Exploder 6.x and Windoze XP respectively. I try to avoid both of these products myself, and highly recomend that people use alternatives if possible. All of my clients are using something different, the most mainstream one is using Windoze 2000 Proffesional, and Mozilla Firefox, and Thunderbird. I have a like for Firefox and Thunderbird. I also use Opera for some things, but have grown to like the Mozilla products, thus prefer them for my own use.

With the way that this web counter is showing up, I'm thinking maybe I want to see if I can create my own web counter that maintains all of the statistics I would like. The exact count of number of pages etcetera. I think I can do this. It will take some time. The basic text counter will work fairly quickly. The graphical components it will take me some time to work on. Very important components to my portfolio I think.

Jessica

Lots of stuff...

I've not blogged in a long time. Been really busy, and not taking the time to blog. Still have not had a day free of compulsive overeating. Maybe tomorrow will be day one for me. This would be totally great if that were the case. I have been working on the new computer tonight. You can look at some of what is there by going to http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/. Some things I want to keep from public view. Currently those are being kept from public view by moving them in and out of the htdocs dirrectory.

I've been in Rossland for a while. I came by the noon bus from Nelson. Dad picked me up in Trail. I dropped off a roll of film at Doel Photo. I like the results I get from them better than the results that I get from Vogue Studios. That may be who is doing the printing, the printing process, or even just the different paper that is used. It might be ``better'' from Vogue, but I'm used to what I get from Doel, so I'll stick with that. I have as of yet not tried to get prints from the same negatives from both places. It could be I take poor quality rolls to Vogue, and good quality rolls to Doel.

What else. Well I see I haven't blogged since Tuesday. My dead worm bin, has started to show signs of life. Unfortunately, the signs of life when you have dead animal flesh. That is magots. I'm kind of happy about this, my bin isn't dead, and kind of upset, aren't you suposed to freak out totally when you get magots in your house? I'm tending more towards happy, neutral. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm weird. I think that having nature do it's thing in my own little appartment is just amazing. Mind you, I was never happy about mice. So I'll see if I start to feel the same way about maggots. I doubt it, I've had magots in the past, with no ill effects.

Being very non-Buddhist I setup 3 fly paper traps for the flies. I hope that we obtain nirvana together. With the rate of reincarnation of flies in my appartment, that might just be really soon :). I know it's not the most ethical solution, but it's pretty practical, they die fairly quickly (I've yet to see a fly struggling on fly paper), and it doesn't put chemicals in my appartment that will harm me, my worms, or anything else that is living in my appartment that isn't getting attached to it. I set those up Friday. Before I left for Rossland.

I've been going to a lot of online meetings of Overeaters Anonymous. Sometimes as many as 4 meetings in one day. Today I managed to log in just as a meeting was starting. The meeting was very informal because there was no formal leader, but we had a good meeting. I said things that got me thinking. I need to work on my practice some more. Part of that includes my public dharma study at http://locke.armispiansystems.ca/mediawiki/index.php/Buddhism. I want to start adding stuff there. I also want to start doing more DBT work than I have been doing. Getting things back on track. Moving towards things working better for me.

What happened? Oh on Wednsday I had a big binge. I had a bit of a discussion about what my supervisior considers assault and what she plans on doing about it. This scared the shit out of me. She said (but not expicately) that if I or anyone else touches a person in trying to remove, or otherwise handle a person she will pursue charges against that person. And this includes all kinds of thing beyond just touching a person. My Borderline Personality Disorder makes it very difficult for me to express anger apropriately. This means that at times when I feel I have no other outlet, I may act in violent ways. Which, personally I don't think should be ignored. But it also scares the shit out of me that I'm being asked to do the job that I'm being asked to as the Resident Night Manager Support Staff (my official title), while having my ability to use physicial force in extream situations away from me, while not providing me with other tools.

Maybe Leslie is just saying that to scare people into ``beahaving better''. If that's the case (and I'm not going to test it until I feel safe that to do so would not jepordise my own well being) I think that she really should consider where that's coming from. If she really means what she was saying, then I can no longer believe that she really understands what social justice is. Yes acting in a violent way is contrary to social justice, but when the system doesn't give you a way to respond that is even listened to besides that, then maybe acting in a violent way is the most skillfull means that you have available to you. I know that she doesn't have the resources to do workshops on obtaining social justice. Though, when I think about it, there are certain resources that she does have available to her, and that is having a space where a half dozen or so people can meet that is relatively quiet and relatively private, having time that that space can be used, having people who live in the building who believe strongly in social justice. Yes, more tools would be desirable, but you know, this is the start of something. She doesn't have to organise things, but I personally think that if she were willing to open to this oportunity, and start the ball rolling, she might get a core group that are interested in social justice and working for it within the building.

Maybe I'm wrong. But I think I'm not the only person who is willing to put things in to help the wellfare of all people in the building. I often wonder though. People often are very self focused in that building. It's hard not to be. Would people be willing to shift their focus if they saw others willing to do the same? Maybe. Maybe I should see if I can get the ball rolling regarding that. Though I also think of myself when I think about that. Do I have the energy to do anything in that regards? I know that I have not got the energy to be very involved in Pride. So, another project? I really don't know.

I've been dealling with being very triggered around food issues. I can leave something, let it pass, but it doesn't mean that it's dealt with. But maybe it's not something that can be changed. The question is, how much effort am I willing to put into something before I say that it can't be changed. And what do I really want to do with that. There are a lot of things in the building that at best would take a huge effort to change. Or, I could make the less extream effort of moving. I'm planning on looking into some of my options for moving. There might be some situations that are not more expensive that provide a safer living envirionment, that mostly only take time to get into. One person, and one person only, actually suggested some ideas as to moving. Maybe other people don't think of these ideas. Maybe other people just believe really strongly that making decisions when in crisis is ``just wrong'', that they don't care what the situation is, they won't help a person make that kind of decision while the person is in crisis.

Yes, I want to move. I can't afford much more than I currently pay. I just want some place that is safer for me. That doesn't draw in the drug user crowd, that believes in colaboratively developing policy and it actually happening that way. That people living there really want to make it a safe place to live, and willing to put some effort into doing just that. And where, when nescesary people can be banned from the building when their meer presence in the building is detrimental to the safety of people. Where it doesn't take a restraining order or something before such action is taken.

I know I've said a lot. I also know there is a lot more that is going through my head right now. I'm going to see how the sleep thing works out for me tonight.

Jessica

Dead worm bin...

I have killed a bin full of worms. The other bin looks good. I'm hoping that by letting the dead worm bin breath it will recover over time. Right now it's kind of stinky. Not stinky as in overpowering, but stinky as in more smelly than usual. I had the two bins stacked, and I think maybe the lower bin didn't get enough air, and the worms suffocated. I'm hoping that there are viable eggs in there that will recover. Worst case scenario, the whole bin contents gets dumped, maybe into the compost in Rossland. I think I want to keep an eye on this, and see how it goes. If it's really bad, I can dump the whole bin into the garbage bin in the alley. I think the heat may have been a contributing factor. As soon as it started smelling I should have checked it. In fact, I should have clued in when the worms started to leave the bin. Well, the ones that didn't get into the new bin, are now, to the best of my knowledge dead. I'll see how this whole thing goes.

Jessica

Binging, not eating, meeting with P'Nina, etcetera

I didn't post last night. I had a rough night. Around 23:00 I had someone knock on my door to deal with a situation that went on in our building last night. I could have asked her to talk to Tom the other night manager, I decided that I wanted to deal with it myself. I don't know, several factors involved there. 1) Tom appeared to be sleeping, 2) I was definately awake, and willing to deal with it, 3) I felt that Tom wouldn't do as thorough a job, 4) I wasn't sure if Tom knew proper sharps procedure (damn I wish I just picked those up with my fingers (wearing gloves), but was following the procedure as I know it), 5) I don't know what kind of report Tom would write. In short, I thought I was the better person to do the job. But did I do it for the right reasons? I really don't know.

Before that, I had a binge in the evening. I went to the Sadhana of Mahamudra http://www.philashambhala.org/public_html/Sadhana.shtml last night after I had binged. This is an important practice for me. While it is a Vajrayana practice it apparently is one that anyone can participate in. There must be some reasoning for this. I haven't pursued why this may be. I find this practice to be truely magical.

Ah, but further back. I wanted to make myself a salad for dinner, but I didn't have enough vinegar for the salad (probably did, but I like lots of vinegar), so I went to Extra Foods to buy some balsamic vinegar. Well I couldn't find any, I got (in order of things I shouldn't have got, to things that are OK), some dark chocolate almond bark (right off the list), some hummus, some rye bread, and some rice vinegar (I think there was another item, but can't think of it. On the way home I started to eat the almond bark (it's all gone now), and decided that I might as well binge. I also still hadn't got the balsamic vinegar I was looking for. I was really hitting the almond bark hard, was walking and eating it, this is not something that is a good thing for me.

I then went to Darwins to look for some balsamic vinegar. I thought of going there first, but Extra Foods would probably be cheaper if I were to find what I was looking for there, and they might just have some bread that I can eat. Got there, I'm seriously craving chips. I decide that I'll buy some. Not my usual 3 bags, but just one bag. Getting out of the store I try to tear open the bag, it's not easy, still work on it, and get it open, start eating chips on my way home. Continue eating chips until I get home, decide that the chips will go really nicely with the hummus so open up the hummus, eat the whole container (about a pound) with the chips (the whole bag). Still not satisfied, I get back into the almond bark. I know roughly how much I've just eaten. This is calorie dense food. Probably over 2000 callories (the hummus and chips were I believe 1555 callories, and I ate a fair amount of almond bark as well). I decide I need to talk to someone. I don't have a sponser, so I call Jessica. She's eating, so I ask her to call back when she's done eating. She says that if she doesn't call me, for me to call her. We agree with that. That will work. I've broken the binge process.

I then decide to see if I can find an online meeting. I find one, but the timing isn't right, but another one will be starting up soon, so I go and I log in. Catch the end of one meeting. Then I start thinking about the Sadhana of Mahamudra, and realise that I can go, and this will really help me a lot. Community, building the spiritual, and emotional strength. Even the physicial strength. I still hadn't eaten anything good and ballanced at this point. I remember I had something earlier, I think miso soup with kamut soba, but well to be honest, that's what I ate all day yesterday. Probably not bad calorie wise all day. But nutrition wise, I really missed out.

When I got back, I decided to call my parents, or maybe I'd already called them, not sure, but in the end I talked to them, they had a lovely trip to visit with my sister. They were home safely, they even picked up the dog. I think that was after the Sadhana. I talked to my dad, said I'd have a shower and go to bed. Well eventually I got to bed, and I did have a shower at that time. So, well I guess I kind of did the letter of what I said. But the intent was to get to bed shortly after the shower. Well it was after 05:00 that I got to bed. I caught the 07:00 EDT meeting online. That was really good, also really painful. I also did a lot on the computer, eventually this evening getting MediaWiki up on the server. This is great, the last time I had an old version of TWiki up, and this seems like a good way to go, I understand this is the same software that runs Wikipedia so it's well tested (though not sure what modifications they've made there.

But, I should have been sleeping. Not staying up all night...

I went to see my Case Manager this morning at 11:00. She was late as usual, I don't know how late, I really didn't care. We mostly talked about the disordered eating. She said that this was new to her. I had thought we'd talked about it in the past, but maybe not. And if so, it would have been more of the nature of "I binged last night" than actually going into any details. It's been a long time thing for me. Eating a whole 1kg bag of perogies, with butter and sour cream was my usual binge. Well now I'm avoiding wheat, and cow milk products (I'll eat goat and sheep milk products, they seem OK so far), so that doesn't work any more. Which is good. Not only is that a huge amount of calories, that's also a lot of bulk. That's the kind of thing I throw up after. We did talk a bit about the school stuff. I want to talk to her more about it, but that's really not pressing. The disordered eating is pressing. It's also very painful. I think that I really can't at this time go beyond the third step, maybe even just take some serious look at the first step. See where that takes me. I also have to really look at the second and third step in terms of how I will work it with my Buddhist practice. I think that it's the wording, more than the intent that really bothers me, the word "God" capitalised and "Him" capitalised can't get me out of thinking that they refer to the Jeudeo-Christian God. Sure it says "As we know Him", but I really can't help but think that it's the God of the Bible, which really doesn't work for me.

P'Nina gave me some homework. I couldn't figure out what to look at first, but I was going through with trying to clean up my appartment. Without any prompting from me, that's exactly what P'Nina said. She said "spend 15 minutes, or half an hour cleaning your appartment on three days between now and our next meeting". I agreed I could do half an hour for three days in the next week and a half. Today I spent about half an hour doing just that. 25 minutes of being pretty intense on it, then a break, then some more time. Probably more than half an hour, especially if I consider doing dishes part of that time.

After doing that, I went and picked up my meds. They got them right this time. That's really nice, makes things easier. In fact, I got a call from the pharmacy this morning to ask me what I wanted them to do with them. Ie. what would be getting them right for me. Pretty easy call, just make sure that they know where I'm at, when I'll be starting my meds, and damn it, they got it right. And, so far it's probably been about 6 weeks that I have taken my meds without missing any. That's pretty good for me. And they're working for me.

That's about it. Got a phone call from Robin about some technical advice that I could give her. She then gave my number to someone so that we could talk dirrectly to each other, and it all worked out. I'm not sure if Robin knows about that yet. Well I'm almost certain that she doesn't. I'm trying to get the group blog going on Positive Body, but it seems that is as of yet not working (Robin is not a member yet for some reason), I'd like to get someone as a member, and be sure that it's available that way. There are other options for this, maybe we can look at other service providers, but I do like the way Blogger presents the blogs. But I can also setup blogging software on my own server, if that would work better. I don't know if it would. Blogging while relatively simple on the outside, can be rather difficult to setup to be as easy as something like Blogger, or LiveJournal.

Hm. Oh right, I went to the Open House, and the Shambhala Centre tonight. That was great. It was really hot, but I got through that, it cooled down through the sit, and I watched the whole video tonight. We'll see how that whole series goes. I'm glad it's happening. I'd like to get in on the reading for the series, but so far I haven't found either of the books in my appartment. I'm almost certain they are both here though. I think at least one is in my loft reading pile. That will hopefully be something I find in my going through my apartment and getting it back in shape. Looks a lot better with only the half hour that I put in today.

Jessica