I didn't post last night. I had a rough night. Around 23:00 I had someone knock on my door to deal with a situation that went on in our building last night. I could have asked her to talk to Tom the other night manager, I decided that I wanted to deal with it myself. I don't know, several factors involved there. 1) Tom appeared to be sleeping, 2) I was definately awake, and willing to deal with it, 3) I felt that Tom wouldn't do as thorough a job, 4) I wasn't sure if Tom knew proper sharps procedure (damn I wish I just picked those up with my fingers (wearing gloves), but was following the procedure as I know it), 5) I don't know what kind of report Tom would write. In short, I thought I was the better person to do the job. But did I do it for the right reasons? I really don't know.
Before that, I had a binge in the evening. I went to the Sadhana of Mahamudra http://www.philashambhala.org/public_html/Sadhana.shtml last night after I had binged. This is an important practice for me. While it is a Vajrayana practice it apparently is one that anyone can participate in. There must be some reasoning for this. I haven't pursued why this may be. I find this practice to be truely magical.
Ah, but further back. I wanted to make myself a salad for dinner, but I didn't have enough vinegar for the salad (probably did, but I like lots of vinegar), so I went to Extra Foods to buy some balsamic vinegar. Well I couldn't find any, I got (in order of things I shouldn't have got, to things that are OK), some dark chocolate almond bark (right off the list), some hummus, some rye bread, and some rice vinegar (I think there was another item, but can't think of it. On the way home I started to eat the almond bark (it's all gone now), and decided that I might as well binge. I also still hadn't got the balsamic vinegar I was looking for. I was really hitting the almond bark hard, was walking and eating it, this is not something that is a good thing for me.
I then went to Darwins to look for some balsamic vinegar. I thought of going there first, but Extra Foods would probably be cheaper if I were to find what I was looking for there, and they might just have some bread that I can eat. Got there, I'm seriously craving chips. I decide that I'll buy some. Not my usual 3 bags, but just one bag. Getting out of the store I try to tear open the bag, it's not easy, still work on it, and get it open, start eating chips on my way home. Continue eating chips until I get home, decide that the chips will go really nicely with the hummus so open up the hummus, eat the whole container (about a pound) with the chips (the whole bag). Still not satisfied, I get back into the almond bark. I know roughly how much I've just eaten. This is calorie dense food. Probably over 2000 callories (the hummus and chips were I believe 1555 callories, and I ate a fair amount of almond bark as well). I decide I need to talk to someone. I don't have a sponser, so I call Jessica. She's eating, so I ask her to call back when she's done eating. She says that if she doesn't call me, for me to call her. We agree with that. That will work. I've broken the binge process.
I then decide to see if I can find an online meeting. I find one, but the timing isn't right, but another one will be starting up soon, so I go and I log in. Catch the end of one meeting. Then I start thinking about the Sadhana of Mahamudra, and realise that I can go, and this will really help me a lot. Community, building the spiritual, and emotional strength. Even the physicial strength. I still hadn't eaten anything good and ballanced at this point. I remember I had something earlier, I think miso soup with kamut soba, but well to be honest, that's what I ate all day yesterday. Probably not bad calorie wise all day. But nutrition wise, I really missed out.
When I got back, I decided to call my parents, or maybe I'd already called them, not sure, but in the end I talked to them, they had a lovely trip to visit with my sister. They were home safely, they even picked up the dog. I think that was after the Sadhana. I talked to my dad, said I'd have a shower and go to bed. Well eventually I got to bed, and I did have a shower at that time. So, well I guess I kind of did the letter of what I said. But the intent was to get to bed shortly after the shower. Well it was after 05:00 that I got to bed. I caught the 07:00 EDT meeting online. That was really good, also really painful. I also did a lot on the computer, eventually this evening getting MediaWiki up on the server. This is great, the last time I had an old version of TWiki up, and this seems like a good way to go, I understand this is the same software that runs Wikipedia so it's well tested (though not sure what modifications they've made there.
But, I should have been sleeping. Not staying up all night...
I went to see my Case Manager this morning at 11:00. She was late as usual, I don't know how late, I really didn't care. We mostly talked about the disordered eating. She said that this was new to her. I had thought we'd talked about it in the past, but maybe not. And if so, it would have been more of the nature of "I binged last night" than actually going into any details. It's been a long time thing for me. Eating a whole 1kg bag of perogies, with butter and sour cream was my usual binge. Well now I'm avoiding wheat, and cow milk products (I'll eat goat and sheep milk products, they seem OK so far), so that doesn't work any more. Which is good. Not only is that a huge amount of calories, that's also a lot of bulk. That's the kind of thing I throw up after. We did talk a bit about the school stuff. I want to talk to her more about it, but that's really not pressing. The disordered eating is pressing. It's also very painful. I think that I really can't at this time go beyond the third step, maybe even just take some serious look at the first step. See where that takes me. I also have to really look at the second and third step in terms of how I will work it with my Buddhist practice. I think that it's the wording, more than the intent that really bothers me, the word "God" capitalised and "Him" capitalised can't get me out of thinking that they refer to the Jeudeo-Christian God. Sure it says "As we know Him", but I really can't help but think that it's the God of the Bible, which really doesn't work for me.
P'Nina gave me some homework. I couldn't figure out what to look at first, but I was going through with trying to clean up my appartment. Without any prompting from me, that's exactly what P'Nina said. She said "spend 15 minutes, or half an hour cleaning your appartment on three days between now and our next meeting". I agreed I could do half an hour for three days in the next week and a half. Today I spent about half an hour doing just that. 25 minutes of being pretty intense on it, then a break, then some more time. Probably more than half an hour, especially if I consider doing dishes part of that time.
After doing that, I went and picked up my meds. They got them right this time. That's really nice, makes things easier. In fact, I got a call from the pharmacy this morning to ask me what I wanted them to do with them. Ie. what would be getting them right for me. Pretty easy call, just make sure that they know where I'm at, when I'll be starting my meds, and damn it, they got it right. And, so far it's probably been about 6 weeks that I have taken my meds without missing any. That's pretty good for me. And they're working for me.
That's about it. Got a phone call from Robin about some technical advice that I could give her. She then gave my number to someone so that we could talk dirrectly to each other, and it all worked out. I'm not sure if Robin knows about that yet. Well I'm almost certain that she doesn't. I'm trying to get the group blog going on Positive Body, but it seems that is as of yet not working (Robin is not a member yet for some reason), I'd like to get someone as a member, and be sure that it's available that way. There are other options for this, maybe we can look at other service providers, but I do like the way Blogger presents the blogs. But I can also setup blogging software on my own server, if that would work better. I don't know if it would. Blogging while relatively simple on the outside, can be rather difficult to setup to be as easy as something like Blogger, or LiveJournal.
Hm. Oh right, I went to the Open House, and the Shambhala Centre tonight. That was great. It was really hot, but I got through that, it cooled down through the sit, and I watched the whole video tonight. We'll see how that whole series goes. I'm glad it's happening. I'd like to get in on the reading for the series, but so far I haven't found either of the books in my appartment. I'm almost certain they are both here though. I think at least one is in my loft reading pile. That will hopefully be something I find in my going through my apartment and getting it back in shape. Looks a lot better with only the half hour that I put in today.
Jessica
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