I have killed a bin full of worms. The other bin looks good. I'm hoping that by letting the dead worm bin breath it will recover over time. Right now it's kind of stinky. Not stinky as in overpowering, but stinky as in more smelly than usual. I had the two bins stacked, and I think maybe the lower bin didn't get enough air, and the worms suffocated. I'm hoping that there are viable eggs in there that will recover. Worst case scenario, the whole bin contents gets dumped, maybe into the compost in Rossland. I think I want to keep an eye on this, and see how it goes. If it's really bad, I can dump the whole bin into the garbage bin in the alley. I think the heat may have been a contributing factor. As soon as it started smelling I should have checked it. In fact, I should have clued in when the worms started to leave the bin. Well, the ones that didn't get into the new bin, are now, to the best of my knowledge dead. I'll see how this whole thing goes.
Jessica
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Binging, not eating, meeting with P'Nina, etcetera
I didn't post last night. I had a rough night. Around 23:00 I had someone knock on my door to deal with a situation that went on in our building last night. I could have asked her to talk to Tom the other night manager, I decided that I wanted to deal with it myself. I don't know, several factors involved there. 1) Tom appeared to be sleeping, 2) I was definately awake, and willing to deal with it, 3) I felt that Tom wouldn't do as thorough a job, 4) I wasn't sure if Tom knew proper sharps procedure (damn I wish I just picked those up with my fingers (wearing gloves), but was following the procedure as I know it), 5) I don't know what kind of report Tom would write. In short, I thought I was the better person to do the job. But did I do it for the right reasons? I really don't know.
Before that, I had a binge in the evening. I went to the Sadhana of Mahamudra http://www.philashambhala.org/public_html/Sadhana.shtml last night after I had binged. This is an important practice for me. While it is a Vajrayana practice it apparently is one that anyone can participate in. There must be some reasoning for this. I haven't pursued why this may be. I find this practice to be truely magical.
Ah, but further back. I wanted to make myself a salad for dinner, but I didn't have enough vinegar for the salad (probably did, but I like lots of vinegar), so I went to Extra Foods to buy some balsamic vinegar. Well I couldn't find any, I got (in order of things I shouldn't have got, to things that are OK), some dark chocolate almond bark (right off the list), some hummus, some rye bread, and some rice vinegar (I think there was another item, but can't think of it. On the way home I started to eat the almond bark (it's all gone now), and decided that I might as well binge. I also still hadn't got the balsamic vinegar I was looking for. I was really hitting the almond bark hard, was walking and eating it, this is not something that is a good thing for me.
I then went to Darwins to look for some balsamic vinegar. I thought of going there first, but Extra Foods would probably be cheaper if I were to find what I was looking for there, and they might just have some bread that I can eat. Got there, I'm seriously craving chips. I decide that I'll buy some. Not my usual 3 bags, but just one bag. Getting out of the store I try to tear open the bag, it's not easy, still work on it, and get it open, start eating chips on my way home. Continue eating chips until I get home, decide that the chips will go really nicely with the hummus so open up the hummus, eat the whole container (about a pound) with the chips (the whole bag). Still not satisfied, I get back into the almond bark. I know roughly how much I've just eaten. This is calorie dense food. Probably over 2000 callories (the hummus and chips were I believe 1555 callories, and I ate a fair amount of almond bark as well). I decide I need to talk to someone. I don't have a sponser, so I call Jessica. She's eating, so I ask her to call back when she's done eating. She says that if she doesn't call me, for me to call her. We agree with that. That will work. I've broken the binge process.
I then decide to see if I can find an online meeting. I find one, but the timing isn't right, but another one will be starting up soon, so I go and I log in. Catch the end of one meeting. Then I start thinking about the Sadhana of Mahamudra, and realise that I can go, and this will really help me a lot. Community, building the spiritual, and emotional strength. Even the physicial strength. I still hadn't eaten anything good and ballanced at this point. I remember I had something earlier, I think miso soup with kamut soba, but well to be honest, that's what I ate all day yesterday. Probably not bad calorie wise all day. But nutrition wise, I really missed out.
When I got back, I decided to call my parents, or maybe I'd already called them, not sure, but in the end I talked to them, they had a lovely trip to visit with my sister. They were home safely, they even picked up the dog. I think that was after the Sadhana. I talked to my dad, said I'd have a shower and go to bed. Well eventually I got to bed, and I did have a shower at that time. So, well I guess I kind of did the letter of what I said. But the intent was to get to bed shortly after the shower. Well it was after 05:00 that I got to bed. I caught the 07:00 EDT meeting online. That was really good, also really painful. I also did a lot on the computer, eventually this evening getting MediaWiki up on the server. This is great, the last time I had an old version of TWiki up, and this seems like a good way to go, I understand this is the same software that runs Wikipedia so it's well tested (though not sure what modifications they've made there.
But, I should have been sleeping. Not staying up all night...
I went to see my Case Manager this morning at 11:00. She was late as usual, I don't know how late, I really didn't care. We mostly talked about the disordered eating. She said that this was new to her. I had thought we'd talked about it in the past, but maybe not. And if so, it would have been more of the nature of "I binged last night" than actually going into any details. It's been a long time thing for me. Eating a whole 1kg bag of perogies, with butter and sour cream was my usual binge. Well now I'm avoiding wheat, and cow milk products (I'll eat goat and sheep milk products, they seem OK so far), so that doesn't work any more. Which is good. Not only is that a huge amount of calories, that's also a lot of bulk. That's the kind of thing I throw up after. We did talk a bit about the school stuff. I want to talk to her more about it, but that's really not pressing. The disordered eating is pressing. It's also very painful. I think that I really can't at this time go beyond the third step, maybe even just take some serious look at the first step. See where that takes me. I also have to really look at the second and third step in terms of how I will work it with my Buddhist practice. I think that it's the wording, more than the intent that really bothers me, the word "God" capitalised and "Him" capitalised can't get me out of thinking that they refer to the Jeudeo-Christian God. Sure it says "As we know Him", but I really can't help but think that it's the God of the Bible, which really doesn't work for me.
P'Nina gave me some homework. I couldn't figure out what to look at first, but I was going through with trying to clean up my appartment. Without any prompting from me, that's exactly what P'Nina said. She said "spend 15 minutes, or half an hour cleaning your appartment on three days between now and our next meeting". I agreed I could do half an hour for three days in the next week and a half. Today I spent about half an hour doing just that. 25 minutes of being pretty intense on it, then a break, then some more time. Probably more than half an hour, especially if I consider doing dishes part of that time.
After doing that, I went and picked up my meds. They got them right this time. That's really nice, makes things easier. In fact, I got a call from the pharmacy this morning to ask me what I wanted them to do with them. Ie. what would be getting them right for me. Pretty easy call, just make sure that they know where I'm at, when I'll be starting my meds, and damn it, they got it right. And, so far it's probably been about 6 weeks that I have taken my meds without missing any. That's pretty good for me. And they're working for me.
That's about it. Got a phone call from Robin about some technical advice that I could give her. She then gave my number to someone so that we could talk dirrectly to each other, and it all worked out. I'm not sure if Robin knows about that yet. Well I'm almost certain that she doesn't. I'm trying to get the group blog going on Positive Body, but it seems that is as of yet not working (Robin is not a member yet for some reason), I'd like to get someone as a member, and be sure that it's available that way. There are other options for this, maybe we can look at other service providers, but I do like the way Blogger presents the blogs. But I can also setup blogging software on my own server, if that would work better. I don't know if it would. Blogging while relatively simple on the outside, can be rather difficult to setup to be as easy as something like Blogger, or LiveJournal.
Hm. Oh right, I went to the Open House, and the Shambhala Centre tonight. That was great. It was really hot, but I got through that, it cooled down through the sit, and I watched the whole video tonight. We'll see how that whole series goes. I'm glad it's happening. I'd like to get in on the reading for the series, but so far I haven't found either of the books in my appartment. I'm almost certain they are both here though. I think at least one is in my loft reading pile. That will hopefully be something I find in my going through my apartment and getting it back in shape. Looks a lot better with only the half hour that I put in today.
Jessica
Before that, I had a binge in the evening. I went to the Sadhana of Mahamudra http://www.philashambhala.org/public_html/Sadhana.shtml last night after I had binged. This is an important practice for me. While it is a Vajrayana practice it apparently is one that anyone can participate in. There must be some reasoning for this. I haven't pursued why this may be. I find this practice to be truely magical.
Ah, but further back. I wanted to make myself a salad for dinner, but I didn't have enough vinegar for the salad (probably did, but I like lots of vinegar), so I went to Extra Foods to buy some balsamic vinegar. Well I couldn't find any, I got (in order of things I shouldn't have got, to things that are OK), some dark chocolate almond bark (right off the list), some hummus, some rye bread, and some rice vinegar (I think there was another item, but can't think of it. On the way home I started to eat the almond bark (it's all gone now), and decided that I might as well binge. I also still hadn't got the balsamic vinegar I was looking for. I was really hitting the almond bark hard, was walking and eating it, this is not something that is a good thing for me.
I then went to Darwins to look for some balsamic vinegar. I thought of going there first, but Extra Foods would probably be cheaper if I were to find what I was looking for there, and they might just have some bread that I can eat. Got there, I'm seriously craving chips. I decide that I'll buy some. Not my usual 3 bags, but just one bag. Getting out of the store I try to tear open the bag, it's not easy, still work on it, and get it open, start eating chips on my way home. Continue eating chips until I get home, decide that the chips will go really nicely with the hummus so open up the hummus, eat the whole container (about a pound) with the chips (the whole bag). Still not satisfied, I get back into the almond bark. I know roughly how much I've just eaten. This is calorie dense food. Probably over 2000 callories (the hummus and chips were I believe 1555 callories, and I ate a fair amount of almond bark as well). I decide I need to talk to someone. I don't have a sponser, so I call Jessica. She's eating, so I ask her to call back when she's done eating. She says that if she doesn't call me, for me to call her. We agree with that. That will work. I've broken the binge process.
I then decide to see if I can find an online meeting. I find one, but the timing isn't right, but another one will be starting up soon, so I go and I log in. Catch the end of one meeting. Then I start thinking about the Sadhana of Mahamudra, and realise that I can go, and this will really help me a lot. Community, building the spiritual, and emotional strength. Even the physicial strength. I still hadn't eaten anything good and ballanced at this point. I remember I had something earlier, I think miso soup with kamut soba, but well to be honest, that's what I ate all day yesterday. Probably not bad calorie wise all day. But nutrition wise, I really missed out.
When I got back, I decided to call my parents, or maybe I'd already called them, not sure, but in the end I talked to them, they had a lovely trip to visit with my sister. They were home safely, they even picked up the dog. I think that was after the Sadhana. I talked to my dad, said I'd have a shower and go to bed. Well eventually I got to bed, and I did have a shower at that time. So, well I guess I kind of did the letter of what I said. But the intent was to get to bed shortly after the shower. Well it was after 05:00 that I got to bed. I caught the 07:00 EDT meeting online. That was really good, also really painful. I also did a lot on the computer, eventually this evening getting MediaWiki up on the server. This is great, the last time I had an old version of TWiki up, and this seems like a good way to go, I understand this is the same software that runs Wikipedia so it's well tested (though not sure what modifications they've made there.
But, I should have been sleeping. Not staying up all night...
I went to see my Case Manager this morning at 11:00. She was late as usual, I don't know how late, I really didn't care. We mostly talked about the disordered eating. She said that this was new to her. I had thought we'd talked about it in the past, but maybe not. And if so, it would have been more of the nature of "I binged last night" than actually going into any details. It's been a long time thing for me. Eating a whole 1kg bag of perogies, with butter and sour cream was my usual binge. Well now I'm avoiding wheat, and cow milk products (I'll eat goat and sheep milk products, they seem OK so far), so that doesn't work any more. Which is good. Not only is that a huge amount of calories, that's also a lot of bulk. That's the kind of thing I throw up after. We did talk a bit about the school stuff. I want to talk to her more about it, but that's really not pressing. The disordered eating is pressing. It's also very painful. I think that I really can't at this time go beyond the third step, maybe even just take some serious look at the first step. See where that takes me. I also have to really look at the second and third step in terms of how I will work it with my Buddhist practice. I think that it's the wording, more than the intent that really bothers me, the word "God" capitalised and "Him" capitalised can't get me out of thinking that they refer to the Jeudeo-Christian God. Sure it says "As we know Him", but I really can't help but think that it's the God of the Bible, which really doesn't work for me.
P'Nina gave me some homework. I couldn't figure out what to look at first, but I was going through with trying to clean up my appartment. Without any prompting from me, that's exactly what P'Nina said. She said "spend 15 minutes, or half an hour cleaning your appartment on three days between now and our next meeting". I agreed I could do half an hour for three days in the next week and a half. Today I spent about half an hour doing just that. 25 minutes of being pretty intense on it, then a break, then some more time. Probably more than half an hour, especially if I consider doing dishes part of that time.
After doing that, I went and picked up my meds. They got them right this time. That's really nice, makes things easier. In fact, I got a call from the pharmacy this morning to ask me what I wanted them to do with them. Ie. what would be getting them right for me. Pretty easy call, just make sure that they know where I'm at, when I'll be starting my meds, and damn it, they got it right. And, so far it's probably been about 6 weeks that I have taken my meds without missing any. That's pretty good for me. And they're working for me.
That's about it. Got a phone call from Robin about some technical advice that I could give her. She then gave my number to someone so that we could talk dirrectly to each other, and it all worked out. I'm not sure if Robin knows about that yet. Well I'm almost certain that she doesn't. I'm trying to get the group blog going on Positive Body, but it seems that is as of yet not working (Robin is not a member yet for some reason), I'd like to get someone as a member, and be sure that it's available that way. There are other options for this, maybe we can look at other service providers, but I do like the way Blogger presents the blogs. But I can also setup blogging software on my own server, if that would work better. I don't know if it would. Blogging while relatively simple on the outside, can be rather difficult to setup to be as easy as something like Blogger, or LiveJournal.
Hm. Oh right, I went to the Open House, and the Shambhala Centre tonight. That was great. It was really hot, but I got through that, it cooled down through the sit, and I watched the whole video tonight. We'll see how that whole series goes. I'm glad it's happening. I'd like to get in on the reading for the series, but so far I haven't found either of the books in my appartment. I'm almost certain they are both here though. I think at least one is in my loft reading pile. That will hopefully be something I find in my going through my apartment and getting it back in shape. Looks a lot better with only the half hour that I put in today.
Jessica
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Hit counter added to sidebar
I just added a hit counter to the sidebar. It ignores my hits. Which probably are at this time the most frequent IP that it recieves hits from. So, as of this post, the counter is sitting at 0. Lets see how many hits I get.
Jessica
Jessica
Working, Sleeping, eating...
Keeping it simple today. I worked today. So I didn't venture far from the building, as I don't want to leave the building without staff close by. I guess if I did leave and the building did burn down or something like that it's not such a huge deal. It's not likely to happen. Nor is much likely to happen anyway. Had I been totally outside the building, down by the lake all day, no one would have really noticed. It's been a quiet day, and, that means I just say that it was a quiet day in the log. Still have to wait until Morning before checking out for the day. I have tomorrow off which is nice. Though not really sure how I'm going to spend it. Would like to go sit on the beach in the dog park, but there currently is no beach in the dog park. I suspect none anywhere within walking distance. The lake is too high.
I slept quite a bit today. I can't recall when I slept though. I know in the afternoon after my first round of the building I slept, and I slept most of the morning. Maybe that's it. The heat really gets to me.
I did reasonably well, binged out a bit on pita. Spelt, not regular wheat. I was thinking that there probably is a connection between addiction and alergies/sensitivities. I don't know. Wheat is a big trigger for me, but somehow other grains even spelt and kamut are not so much triggers. I can, and often do (when I'm not avoiding wheat), eat a whole bagguete. That's an aweful lot of grains, and an aweful lot of something that triggers binges, and alergic type reactions.
I applied to the Multimedia Production and Design program. I need to write a letter of intent. Maybe include my resume with that. And I need to develop a portfolio. That may be the difficult thing. Everything looks so simple when other people show me how to do it, but then when I try to do it for myself it seems so much more difficult.
That's about it for today I think. So, well off I go.
Jessica
I slept quite a bit today. I can't recall when I slept though. I know in the afternoon after my first round of the building I slept, and I slept most of the morning. Maybe that's it. The heat really gets to me.
I did reasonably well, binged out a bit on pita. Spelt, not regular wheat. I was thinking that there probably is a connection between addiction and alergies/sensitivities. I don't know. Wheat is a big trigger for me, but somehow other grains even spelt and kamut are not so much triggers. I can, and often do (when I'm not avoiding wheat), eat a whole bagguete. That's an aweful lot of grains, and an aweful lot of something that triggers binges, and alergic type reactions.
I applied to the Multimedia Production and Design program. I need to write a letter of intent. Maybe include my resume with that. And I need to develop a portfolio. That may be the difficult thing. Everything looks so simple when other people show me how to do it, but then when I try to do it for myself it seems so much more difficult.
That's about it for today I think. So, well off I go.
Jessica
Friday, June 23, 2006
I stare? It's an aggresive stare?
This morning I got told that I am always staring at a person. Hm, yes, the words were ``You always stare at me'', OK, now something here imediately catches my attention. That simply isn't true. I may stare at the person, may stare at them a great deal. But certainly not always. And I have a suspicion it may have some cultural context. I call it making eye contact, acknowleding the presence of another person. She calls it staring and agressive. Of course I was really questioning that today. And probably will be for the next few days. But then I think I'll get back to my normal state, feel comfortable making eye contact. More often (much much much more often) I get people commenting on the fact I don't make eye contact, that I always look down, and that doing so shows low self esteeme. I'm not really sure that this is the case. Yet I think it has more truth to it than that I'm an agressive person. And that I stare agressively. It's a very interesting situation. I could go and judge her as insecure, etcetera etcetera. But you know, right now that's just a small part of it, most of it's about me. Or maybe more about the whole interaction. Honestly looking at the interpersonal effectiveness skills, the only priority I can have with this person is to maintain my self respect. Which means I feel no desire to appologise. If I felt I wanted to maintain the relationship then that would probably be an issue. Yet, I don't think there is a relationship there to keep really.
One thing that did really hit me out of the OA material is that I am finding more and more, that my individualistic nature is really becoming a barrier for me. Yet this is exactly what this culture preaches. And it's exactly what I want to be very careful about not building too strong an individualistic attitude. I try, and in some cases I very much succeed, in developing a collective type attitude. Other situations I just can't help but seperate myself from ``them others''. Setting up walls, setting up barriers.
What else of importance happened? I got some money from the bank so I could get some food, and well I did get some food, but now I have no money in the bank. I've decided that I can pull some money from my money jar. It's for emergencies, but I get money on Wednsday, and that means I can put the money back when I get the money.
I'm hungry, but I'm going to go to bed, I think that an apple will go really well tonight.
Jessica
One thing that did really hit me out of the OA material is that I am finding more and more, that my individualistic nature is really becoming a barrier for me. Yet this is exactly what this culture preaches. And it's exactly what I want to be very careful about not building too strong an individualistic attitude. I try, and in some cases I very much succeed, in developing a collective type attitude. Other situations I just can't help but seperate myself from ``them others''. Setting up walls, setting up barriers.
What else of importance happened? I got some money from the bank so I could get some food, and well I did get some food, but now I have no money in the bank. I've decided that I can pull some money from my money jar. It's for emergencies, but I get money on Wednsday, and that means I can put the money back when I get the money.
I'm hungry, but I'm going to go to bed, I think that an apple will go really well tonight.
Jessica
Positive Body blog
I just created a shared blog about positive body image. Well, yeah that's about right. I created it because Robin my dissability worker at Selkrik College suggested such a blog, and have invited her over. I'd like to be able to invite some other people, and possibly have another admin person or two. This would make it so that processing of anything technical will be processed faster, and maybe some people have some people that they would like to see receive an invitation, to the blog (for example Robin, or Jessica might have people they would like to invite to the blog). Here is the post of the blog, and it should come up with all links propperly handled.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Intorduction to positive body
This is a blog about positive body image. It was created as a shared blog. Anyone who wants to join the blogging community here can contact me at jrasku@armispiansystems.ca or post a comment on this blog. This blog also has a mail list of the posts and comments (not guaranteed to be clean, but everything that gets posted on the blog should show up there) at mailman at Armispiansystems. This blog was created out of a conversation with my dissability worker at Selkirk College, and now it's here.
Jessica
Jessica
From my friends page on LiveJournal.
Jessica Rasku (![[info]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
jrasku) wrote,
@ 2006-06-23 01:47:00
jrasku) wrote,@ 2006-06-23 01:47:00
Note: All copied and pasted from dmmaus except for the sentence:
I don't normally copy these things, but the result for this one was too amusing not to post.
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you!
The result:
Children can do this in the last half of the second year.
dmmaus except for the sentence:I don't normally copy these things, but the result for this one was too amusing not to post.
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you!
The result:
Children can do this in the last half of the second year.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
School and other stuff...
It's taking a while to get to this. I just keep distracting myself. I know that writing this is going to be painful. To start off with, I didn't compusively over eat today. I think I under ate. That's OK, I can afford to loose the weight.
That somehow isn't quite right. Oh well. Onwards. I tried to get up at 07:00, that was not exactly when my body wanted to get up. I did get up at 07:30 though, and got to Oso to meet with Robin, to go to Castlegar. We had some really good conversation on the way to Castlegar. She is a really great person to talk to. We talked about a number of things. Mentioned that my dealing with food is pretty much in my blog. We talked about some of the healing type stuff she's doing, and some of the healing type stuff that I'm doing. Looking at the Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT (one word, not three letters)) Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life Authors: Steven Hayes, Spencer Smith
is the book I looked briefly at this morning.
We then talked a bit about what we were going to talk about with Deb. A pre-briefing sort of thing. I felt pretty good with this. Felt like I knew what was coming. Not quite sure that I really did know what was coming. Then Robin gave me a couple of books to look at. One regarding Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) and depression and anxiety comorbitity. I really got into the book about ACT. It felt like it was providing something that I could really connect with. The DBT for Depression and Anxiety (I think that's the title) book I had difficulty with the writing style, and I'll admit, I had difficulty with the re-working of DBT. Not that I don't think that it's a good idea to use for other conditions than Borderiline Personality Disorder (BPD), just that even though there was some real acknowledgement of the source (Masha Linehan), it really did not do justice to the original work. To me, it was a ``lesser'' Skills Training Manual, which I found a little difficult to take. Though, it's more accessable in some senses.
I read some of that material. Sat around for a little bit. Looked through the Castlegar News. There was a nice digital photography thing that was included in the advertising inserts. I'm looking at getting a digital SLR camera, for proffessional work. I was thinking Pentax, but it doesn't seem that Pentax has a true proffessional digital SLR, so am now thinking probably of either Canon, or Nikon. This information becomes more relevant later I think. Went a little before (about 5 minutes) the 11:00 meeting time, and met Robin in her office.
I met with Robin and Deb in Robin's office. I was really willing to admit that I felt that the process will bring up a lot of emotional stuff, and it actually did do exactly that. There was a point that Deb said that she wasn't feeling like she was expressing herself well, and was having a difficult time. I later told her that I really appreciated that. After I had relaxed a bit myself. I think on a couple of times I mentioned that I wasn't processing the information very well, and I think overall the meeting went pretty well. I have almost come to the conclusion that I will not be able to do the Social Service Worker Certificate Program (SSW program) at this time. I have recieved the letter that Deb said she would get to me before the end of the day. I am kind of glad that I did not have that in front of me to distract me.
I really feel like I did a good job of attending to both Robin, and Deb. I think that I would like to ask both of them how they felt I did in regards to that. Maybe they didn't pay attention to that. I don't know. I think that context is very important for me. When I'm listening I tend to keep good eye contact, tend to be good with attending to what is being said, and generally have pretty good skills with dealing with the interaction. When I am sharing something, especially something that is painful, I find it very difficult to keep eye contact. I find that it's easier to handle the emotional content if I don't maintain eye contact through the emotional stuff. Which makes me wonder if maybe while I was going through the real emotional turmoil, if I was not maintaining eye contact. I know afterwords I certainly was.
I then talked to Robin a bit about the whole process. We talked for about 10 minutes, we'd already talked for about an hour before this meeting, and an hour in this meeting. I felt that we were really making good progress.
I then went to the administration office to ask a couple of questions. I got a course calendar for next year. I'm looking at right now possibly taking the Multimedia Design and Production, then leading into a International Digital Film. But, to get into the Multimedia Design and Production, I would have to have a portfolio. I don't have one now. Also, I would really like to have the equipment that is requested for the program well in advance so that I can work with it, and start developing my skills with that equipment. This would probably be at least a couple thousand dollars worth of equipment. Especially as I ideally would like to go into the International Digital Film with the equipment that would work well for that as well.
Menwhile, I think I will probably start taking some second year corses, probably focusing on the Psychology. There are 6 second year psychology courses that I can take. I would like to get 4 or 5 of them this next year. I suspect that I can fairly safely get 4, and depending on how that works out, I may try to get that 5th one in the winter term.
Then I came home. Well no, I didn't come home. I decided that I would check out the digital SLR cameras. I had been thinking of a Pentax, but all Pentax digital SLR cameras currently have a 6.1 Mega Pixel rating. which according to Canon is good for printing up to 13x19. Which is a nice size. But then when you look at the actual image size in pixels, that is 3072x2048. I would like to print at at least 600dpi, preferably 720dpi, which means, this would be 3x5 or 2x4, which really to me is not enough resolution for proffesional photography. Great for web pages and such, but if I want to print these pictures, I feel that I want them to print at a resolution that I can't tell the difference between film, and digital without a magnifying glass. For now, this resolution will work for me. In the future it may not. So I have almost decided that I want to get a Canon. It seems to be the camera system that provides me with the most options, and the longest time that it will be usable. And, it provides me with something somewhat better resolution wise than the Pentax, at a marginal increase in price. Other features I'm not entirely sure about. I do know that I will find this out when I get my hands on the camera. I suspect that it does have most (if not all) of the features that would make me think differently. The one feature I'd like to see, but is only available on Olympus cameras, and that isn't much different a camera than the Pentax cameras, is the automatic dust reduction of the CMOS in the body when lenses are changed. Great if I'm changing lenses frequently. Not nescesary otherwise.
I also looked at some information about digital video recorders. I don't know what price range to look at for that. I have seen them in the price range of $300 to $3000. I'm almost certain that I do not want to look at a $300 camera, but I'm not sure I need to spend $3000 on a camera. Presonally, I think I would probably be looking at around $1000 for a camera that I'd be happy with, maybe not ``indefinately'', but until I can afford to purchase one that is higher end than that (like $3000). Looking at what is available in that range, I would have to say that this does seem like a good price range for me to be looking at.
Then I came home. I was hungry. I decided that I wanted to make a salad. But the bowl I make salad in is in the freezer (not now, but then) with food for my worms. So I decid I'll feed my worms. But first I need to suck out some of the extra water that is in the bottom of the bin. Hm, another time consuming process. Well no problem, we'll do that. I setup my bin to do just this. Then I realise I should eat before I do this, so I am juggling getting worm juice out of my worm bin, and getting dinner. Why? No idea. I just want to get that worm juice out of my bin as fast as possible. So I'm doing this, cutting up some tomatoes cleaning cutting boards, finding out that I burnt my window sill when I put the pot of quinoi and lentls on it, burnt it through the flexible cutting board that I put the pot on top of. I haven't looked at the bottom of the pot yet, or tried to clean it. I should do that now, as I didn't do dishes last night. So now I'm down one cutting board, and I have a burnt spot on my windowsill which I need to deal with, because the wood needs to be protected.
Ate my lovely tomato salad. Came back to my appartment (I like to eat in the company of others when possible, it helps somewhat with the compulsive over eating, though I have had big binges in the presence of others). The place is a mess. I now clean up the worm juice to the best of my ability, put too food in, which has now thawed out nicely. Realising that it's worth the time to cut up my worm food into reasonable sized chunks. I prefer feeding them that, and I really don't want to find whole onions that are even worse off than when I put them in in my bin (which is exactly what I found in my bin today). It's the first thing I found that I decided it's better to do things right the first time, in the long run it saves time. The second thing was taking my power suply out of my laptop bag, and deciding that I really should have put it in properly, because it would have come out so much nicer.
I called Margo, talked to her a bit, and didn't get a chance to talk to my sister or parents. That's about it for today.
Oh, time I started this was 9:59, it is now 1:33. Three and a half hours roughly to get through posting this. And this, I think was a really good day. Want to sleep in tomorrow, but only until about 10:00. Maybe sleep a bit durring the day. I really don't know.
Jessica
That somehow isn't quite right. Oh well. Onwards. I tried to get up at 07:00, that was not exactly when my body wanted to get up. I did get up at 07:30 though, and got to Oso to meet with Robin, to go to Castlegar. We had some really good conversation on the way to Castlegar. She is a really great person to talk to. We talked about a number of things. Mentioned that my dealing with food is pretty much in my blog. We talked about some of the healing type stuff she's doing, and some of the healing type stuff that I'm doing. Looking at the Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT (one word, not three letters)) Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life Authors: Steven Hayes, Spencer Smith
is the book I looked briefly at this morning.
We then talked a bit about what we were going to talk about with Deb. A pre-briefing sort of thing. I felt pretty good with this. Felt like I knew what was coming. Not quite sure that I really did know what was coming. Then Robin gave me a couple of books to look at. One regarding Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) and depression and anxiety comorbitity. I really got into the book about ACT. It felt like it was providing something that I could really connect with. The DBT for Depression and Anxiety (I think that's the title) book I had difficulty with the writing style, and I'll admit, I had difficulty with the re-working of DBT. Not that I don't think that it's a good idea to use for other conditions than Borderiline Personality Disorder (BPD), just that even though there was some real acknowledgement of the source (Masha Linehan), it really did not do justice to the original work. To me, it was a ``lesser'' Skills Training Manual, which I found a little difficult to take. Though, it's more accessable in some senses.
I read some of that material. Sat around for a little bit. Looked through the Castlegar News. There was a nice digital photography thing that was included in the advertising inserts. I'm looking at getting a digital SLR camera, for proffessional work. I was thinking Pentax, but it doesn't seem that Pentax has a true proffessional digital SLR, so am now thinking probably of either Canon, or Nikon. This information becomes more relevant later I think. Went a little before (about 5 minutes) the 11:00 meeting time, and met Robin in her office.
I met with Robin and Deb in Robin's office. I was really willing to admit that I felt that the process will bring up a lot of emotional stuff, and it actually did do exactly that. There was a point that Deb said that she wasn't feeling like she was expressing herself well, and was having a difficult time. I later told her that I really appreciated that. After I had relaxed a bit myself. I think on a couple of times I mentioned that I wasn't processing the information very well, and I think overall the meeting went pretty well. I have almost come to the conclusion that I will not be able to do the Social Service Worker Certificate Program (SSW program) at this time. I have recieved the letter that Deb said she would get to me before the end of the day. I am kind of glad that I did not have that in front of me to distract me.
I really feel like I did a good job of attending to both Robin, and Deb. I think that I would like to ask both of them how they felt I did in regards to that. Maybe they didn't pay attention to that. I don't know. I think that context is very important for me. When I'm listening I tend to keep good eye contact, tend to be good with attending to what is being said, and generally have pretty good skills with dealing with the interaction. When I am sharing something, especially something that is painful, I find it very difficult to keep eye contact. I find that it's easier to handle the emotional content if I don't maintain eye contact through the emotional stuff. Which makes me wonder if maybe while I was going through the real emotional turmoil, if I was not maintaining eye contact. I know afterwords I certainly was.
I then talked to Robin a bit about the whole process. We talked for about 10 minutes, we'd already talked for about an hour before this meeting, and an hour in this meeting. I felt that we were really making good progress.
I then went to the administration office to ask a couple of questions. I got a course calendar for next year. I'm looking at right now possibly taking the Multimedia Design and Production, then leading into a International Digital Film. But, to get into the Multimedia Design and Production, I would have to have a portfolio. I don't have one now. Also, I would really like to have the equipment that is requested for the program well in advance so that I can work with it, and start developing my skills with that equipment. This would probably be at least a couple thousand dollars worth of equipment. Especially as I ideally would like to go into the International Digital Film with the equipment that would work well for that as well.
Menwhile, I think I will probably start taking some second year corses, probably focusing on the Psychology. There are 6 second year psychology courses that I can take. I would like to get 4 or 5 of them this next year. I suspect that I can fairly safely get 4, and depending on how that works out, I may try to get that 5th one in the winter term.
Then I came home. Well no, I didn't come home. I decided that I would check out the digital SLR cameras. I had been thinking of a Pentax, but all Pentax digital SLR cameras currently have a 6.1 Mega Pixel rating. which according to Canon is good for printing up to 13x19. Which is a nice size. But then when you look at the actual image size in pixels, that is 3072x2048. I would like to print at at least 600dpi, preferably 720dpi, which means, this would be 3x5 or 2x4, which really to me is not enough resolution for proffesional photography. Great for web pages and such, but if I want to print these pictures, I feel that I want them to print at a resolution that I can't tell the difference between film, and digital without a magnifying glass. For now, this resolution will work for me. In the future it may not. So I have almost decided that I want to get a Canon. It seems to be the camera system that provides me with the most options, and the longest time that it will be usable. And, it provides me with something somewhat better resolution wise than the Pentax, at a marginal increase in price. Other features I'm not entirely sure about. I do know that I will find this out when I get my hands on the camera. I suspect that it does have most (if not all) of the features that would make me think differently. The one feature I'd like to see, but is only available on Olympus cameras, and that isn't much different a camera than the Pentax cameras, is the automatic dust reduction of the CMOS in the body when lenses are changed. Great if I'm changing lenses frequently. Not nescesary otherwise.
I also looked at some information about digital video recorders. I don't know what price range to look at for that. I have seen them in the price range of $300 to $3000. I'm almost certain that I do not want to look at a $300 camera, but I'm not sure I need to spend $3000 on a camera. Presonally, I think I would probably be looking at around $1000 for a camera that I'd be happy with, maybe not ``indefinately'', but until I can afford to purchase one that is higher end than that (like $3000). Looking at what is available in that range, I would have to say that this does seem like a good price range for me to be looking at.
Then I came home. I was hungry. I decided that I wanted to make a salad. But the bowl I make salad in is in the freezer (not now, but then) with food for my worms. So I decid I'll feed my worms. But first I need to suck out some of the extra water that is in the bottom of the bin. Hm, another time consuming process. Well no problem, we'll do that. I setup my bin to do just this. Then I realise I should eat before I do this, so I am juggling getting worm juice out of my worm bin, and getting dinner. Why? No idea. I just want to get that worm juice out of my bin as fast as possible. So I'm doing this, cutting up some tomatoes cleaning cutting boards, finding out that I burnt my window sill when I put the pot of quinoi and lentls on it, burnt it through the flexible cutting board that I put the pot on top of. I haven't looked at the bottom of the pot yet, or tried to clean it. I should do that now, as I didn't do dishes last night. So now I'm down one cutting board, and I have a burnt spot on my windowsill which I need to deal with, because the wood needs to be protected.
Ate my lovely tomato salad. Came back to my appartment (I like to eat in the company of others when possible, it helps somewhat with the compulsive over eating, though I have had big binges in the presence of others). The place is a mess. I now clean up the worm juice to the best of my ability, put too food in, which has now thawed out nicely. Realising that it's worth the time to cut up my worm food into reasonable sized chunks. I prefer feeding them that, and I really don't want to find whole onions that are even worse off than when I put them in in my bin (which is exactly what I found in my bin today). It's the first thing I found that I decided it's better to do things right the first time, in the long run it saves time. The second thing was taking my power suply out of my laptop bag, and deciding that I really should have put it in properly, because it would have come out so much nicer.
I called Margo, talked to her a bit, and didn't get a chance to talk to my sister or parents. That's about it for today.
Oh, time I started this was 9:59, it is now 1:33. Three and a half hours roughly to get through posting this. And this, I think was a really good day. Want to sleep in tomorrow, but only until about 10:00. Maybe sleep a bit durring the day. I really don't know.
Jessica
More food, more stressing over school...
School's over until September, yet, somehow I've not been able to get myself to stop stressing over this meeting that I'm having tomorrow. I did get out for a walk. Took a roll of film which I may scan some pictures of. I'd like a scanner for this computer, but I really don't have the space, and I can probably get a digital body for my lenses (well one lens) which to me is a really good option.
I had an icecream cone on my way back up from my walk. I was down by the lake, took three panarama photos of the 180 degree view of the lake. The airport is in the other portion, that's not all that intersting. I'll probably not get the pictures developed for a week, maybe more. Which gets me thinking about the other pictures. Oh, I want to get that digital body. The pictures that I took this afternoon in the building I'm not sure are much value in a week's time. Just some basic doccumentation pictures, but what good are they if they are over a week after the time that I actually took them. Well, I guess had I had any reason to think that they needed to be developed imediately I would get them done imediately. Thankfully they are on the begining of the roll of film.
After that, I had a nap. About 2 hours. I didn't think about the overeaters anonymous when I went to lie down, so I forgot to set an alarm. That turned out to be OK. I did get to go to the meeting, and I was the second person there. There were only two of us. I'm still not sure about the 12 step model. Still, I think that I have to give it a try. Maybe if I can suggest a re-wording of those that use the word God (capitalised) to use higher power I'd be able to not cringe every time I hear that. Not only is God capitalised, but so is He and Him, and both are clearly male pronouns.
I came home and put on a pot of lentils and quinoa. I burnt them (hm, right, that's when that happened that I took the pictures in the building, because I burnt them). I managed not to set off the smoke alarm. Either of them. I ate a large bowl of them. Felt really full. More than comfortably full. And I've been looking for food to eat ever since. I ate a bag of snow peas, or some other type of edible pod peas. They were lovely. I didn't wash them, and they needed to be washed. And, I really should have resisted. Still. I ate them. They were yummy. And it was healthy. So that's good.
I know that I have to work on getting a food plan together. Trying to decide what, and how much I can comfortably eat. What won't trigger me. Eating too much triggers me. Though raw fruits and vegies seem to be satisfying enough to break that. I'll see how that goes tomorrow.
Wish me luck. I've got to get up in about 6 hours. That is stressing me. But it works well, in about 12 hours I will be pretty clear on a number of things that I have been waiting to be clear on. I'll see how it goes.
There was something else... Hm... What was it... Can't remember. Well, now I do. I fed my worms today. I want to try to get myself a nice turkey baster. Hm, maybe I could get a large syringe, or maybe a few tomrorrow. Something that I can suck out the large amount of water that has accumulated in the bottom of the bin. I had to do this before today, last time I put food in I wanted to get some of that water out. But right now it's really getting full. More so than the worms will be happy with. I have to do something about that. I also cleaned out my fridge, and more than the amount of food I put in, I collected out of my fridge. When I get the baster I'll be able to put some more food in. I'm thinking of starting another bin. Right now I'm putting in more food than they can handle. A second bin will help with that. This bin probably should be given some time to just rest. I'll see what I can do. Maybe I can get another bin started.
I'm really overeating, binging even at times, and what's happening? I'm feeding food that I haven't been able to eat before it's gotten to the state that I won't eat it. Sure I could. But it's unapatising. I'll see how I do with this last bin. I hope that it works much better.
Well that's it for today. Will post more tomorrow I know. Thanks for reading, whoever you are that are reading.
Jessica
I had an icecream cone on my way back up from my walk. I was down by the lake, took three panarama photos of the 180 degree view of the lake. The airport is in the other portion, that's not all that intersting. I'll probably not get the pictures developed for a week, maybe more. Which gets me thinking about the other pictures. Oh, I want to get that digital body. The pictures that I took this afternoon in the building I'm not sure are much value in a week's time. Just some basic doccumentation pictures, but what good are they if they are over a week after the time that I actually took them. Well, I guess had I had any reason to think that they needed to be developed imediately I would get them done imediately. Thankfully they are on the begining of the roll of film.
After that, I had a nap. About 2 hours. I didn't think about the overeaters anonymous when I went to lie down, so I forgot to set an alarm. That turned out to be OK. I did get to go to the meeting, and I was the second person there. There were only two of us. I'm still not sure about the 12 step model. Still, I think that I have to give it a try. Maybe if I can suggest a re-wording of those that use the word God (capitalised) to use higher power I'd be able to not cringe every time I hear that. Not only is God capitalised, but so is He and Him, and both are clearly male pronouns.
I came home and put on a pot of lentils and quinoa. I burnt them (hm, right, that's when that happened that I took the pictures in the building, because I burnt them). I managed not to set off the smoke alarm. Either of them. I ate a large bowl of them. Felt really full. More than comfortably full. And I've been looking for food to eat ever since. I ate a bag of snow peas, or some other type of edible pod peas. They were lovely. I didn't wash them, and they needed to be washed. And, I really should have resisted. Still. I ate them. They were yummy. And it was healthy. So that's good.
I know that I have to work on getting a food plan together. Trying to decide what, and how much I can comfortably eat. What won't trigger me. Eating too much triggers me. Though raw fruits and vegies seem to be satisfying enough to break that. I'll see how that goes tomorrow.
Wish me luck. I've got to get up in about 6 hours. That is stressing me. But it works well, in about 12 hours I will be pretty clear on a number of things that I have been waiting to be clear on. I'll see how it goes.
There was something else... Hm... What was it... Can't remember. Well, now I do. I fed my worms today. I want to try to get myself a nice turkey baster. Hm, maybe I could get a large syringe, or maybe a few tomrorrow. Something that I can suck out the large amount of water that has accumulated in the bottom of the bin. I had to do this before today, last time I put food in I wanted to get some of that water out. But right now it's really getting full. More so than the worms will be happy with. I have to do something about that. I also cleaned out my fridge, and more than the amount of food I put in, I collected out of my fridge. When I get the baster I'll be able to put some more food in. I'm thinking of starting another bin. Right now I'm putting in more food than they can handle. A second bin will help with that. This bin probably should be given some time to just rest. I'll see what I can do. Maybe I can get another bin started.
I'm really overeating, binging even at times, and what's happening? I'm feeding food that I haven't been able to eat before it's gotten to the state that I won't eat it. Sure I could. But it's unapatising. I'll see how I do with this last bin. I hope that it works much better.
Well that's it for today. Will post more tomorrow I know. Thanks for reading, whoever you are that are reading.
Jessica
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Catching up...
I didn't blog yesterday. I think that's a fair way to put it. I'm not too keen on the term blog, but it's a useful word, nice and short, and has a pretty specific meaning. There's a lot going on right now. Yesterday ... well lets go back to Monday night after I blogged...
Monday night I had a binge just before bed. I can't remember what I ate, but I think that was when I finised off the dates that I had, finished off the bread that I had, and then still had the apple. Which was very comforting. The other stuff was trying to make myself feel better, or something, the apple just gave me some focus. I've started eating apples (one a day usually) just before bed. It's become part of my ritual for going to bed. It means not going to bed hungry, but still not giving in to the desire to eat a lot at that time of day. An apple is just the perfect size. Take the sticker off, wash in cold water (don't want to warm the apple up), take my meds, eat my apple, journal, go to bed. Something like that. Oh, there's tea in there as well.
Now to yesterday. I went to Salmo to watch the movie that I am in for the second time. It's called Stigma Stories, it's about stigma, based on personal experience with stigma. My mum and dad got to see it this time. They seemed to like it. I found it very powerful, and very difficult. I want to be able to watch it at least one more time. I probably will. I really found it dificult to watch. It brought up a lot of pain for me. Not quite as much as I'm going through right now.
Speaking of right now, I'm really going through a lot tomorrow I'm going to meet with Robin and Deb, Robin is the dissability worker at Selkirk College, Deb is the current program co-ordinater of the Social Service Worker Program at Selkirk College. This is going to be difficult for me. What am I going to do now to deal with it? Eat, and go for a walk with a fresh roll of film in my camera. I'll probably post again later. I know I'll post pretty soon after I meet with Deb and Robin.
Oh, one more thing, I'm going to an overeaters anonymous meeting this evening. That's going to be my first meeting. I'll see how it goes. I'm not so sure about the 12 step process though. But the support probably is a good thing.
Jessica
Monday night I had a binge just before bed. I can't remember what I ate, but I think that was when I finised off the dates that I had, finished off the bread that I had, and then still had the apple. Which was very comforting. The other stuff was trying to make myself feel better, or something, the apple just gave me some focus. I've started eating apples (one a day usually) just before bed. It's become part of my ritual for going to bed. It means not going to bed hungry, but still not giving in to the desire to eat a lot at that time of day. An apple is just the perfect size. Take the sticker off, wash in cold water (don't want to warm the apple up), take my meds, eat my apple, journal, go to bed. Something like that. Oh, there's tea in there as well.
Now to yesterday. I went to Salmo to watch the movie that I am in for the second time. It's called Stigma Stories, it's about stigma, based on personal experience with stigma. My mum and dad got to see it this time. They seemed to like it. I found it very powerful, and very difficult. I want to be able to watch it at least one more time. I probably will. I really found it dificult to watch. It brought up a lot of pain for me. Not quite as much as I'm going through right now.
Speaking of right now, I'm really going through a lot tomorrow I'm going to meet with Robin and Deb, Robin is the dissability worker at Selkirk College, Deb is the current program co-ordinater of the Social Service Worker Program at Selkirk College. This is going to be difficult for me. What am I going to do now to deal with it? Eat, and go for a walk with a fresh roll of film in my camera. I'll probably post again later. I know I'll post pretty soon after I meet with Deb and Robin.
Oh, one more thing, I'm going to an overeaters anonymous meeting this evening. That's going to be my first meeting. I'll see how it goes. I'm not so sure about the 12 step process though. But the support probably is a good thing.
Jessica
Monday, June 19, 2006
Surprise visit to the dentist...
I'm really tired, not entirely sure why, but it may just be that it's time to catch up on sleep.
My day...
I got called at 8:15 by the dentist's office to tell me that there was an opening at 8:30 for me to get a filling done. Now this was a surprise, I could make it so I went for it. Great, worked out well. Except...
What happened is when I got home I really didn't want to do anything because my mouth just felt horrible. I couldn't drink anything properly (thankfully I took my meds before going), and I felt like I was totally sluring my speach and everything. And, I was tired. So I went and lay down for several hours. 5 hours later my mouth finially was feeling normal again. But, I felt a little tingle while the filling was being put in, so this is really a good thing. Better than leaving and not ever going back. The dentist is slowly replacing my mercury amalgam fillings with tooth coloured composite fillings. I think this is a good thing.
I ate, I ate sensibly. Today was good that way. I didn't eat any cookies at the Shambhala Centre http://www.nelsonbuddha.com/ which was really amazing. Mind you I know what will happen if I eat sugar, so I don't. Still I had chocolate milk today and that didn't get me binging, but it was also trying to get my blood sugar up quickly, and hopefully keep it up, so that might be why.
Now I need to figure out this sleep thing. Maybe not. Maybe just accept that I'm sleeping because I can, and that's reason enough.
Well, looks like I'm keeping it short tonight. It's late, and I want to get to bed very soon.
Jessica
My day...
I got called at 8:15 by the dentist's office to tell me that there was an opening at 8:30 for me to get a filling done. Now this was a surprise, I could make it so I went for it. Great, worked out well. Except...
What happened is when I got home I really didn't want to do anything because my mouth just felt horrible. I couldn't drink anything properly (thankfully I took my meds before going), and I felt like I was totally sluring my speach and everything. And, I was tired. So I went and lay down for several hours. 5 hours later my mouth finially was feeling normal again. But, I felt a little tingle while the filling was being put in, so this is really a good thing. Better than leaving and not ever going back. The dentist is slowly replacing my mercury amalgam fillings with tooth coloured composite fillings. I think this is a good thing.
I ate, I ate sensibly. Today was good that way. I didn't eat any cookies at the Shambhala Centre http://www.nelsonbuddha.com/ which was really amazing. Mind you I know what will happen if I eat sugar, so I don't. Still I had chocolate milk today and that didn't get me binging, but it was also trying to get my blood sugar up quickly, and hopefully keep it up, so that might be why.
Now I need to figure out this sleep thing. Maybe not. Maybe just accept that I'm sleeping because I can, and that's reason enough.
Well, looks like I'm keeping it short tonight. It's late, and I want to get to bed very soon.
Jessica
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Comments?
I know that I respond to comments through the comments. I know that Live Journal handles this feature diffrently, and makes it easier to thread comments. But maybe flat comments work in certain situations as well. I just find some things aren't quite right with how Blogger does things. Still, I guess it's kind of young.
Jessica
Jessica
Bingeing again...
Not a big binge, as in, not over eating to the point of feeling sick. Just constant eating over a long period of time. It started about 18:00, and lasted several hours. Go eat something, get back, get something more to eat, eat, etcetera etcetera. I ate more dates today than a Muslim durring Ramadan. I'm exagerating yes, but I ate a whole lot of dates. Then I finially was able to stop. Don't feel good about that. I want to eat more so I feel better, but then I'll feel bad because I was doing emotional eating. This is getting crazy. I need to get some sleep.
Jessica
Jessica
Wanting to go out, but I'm working...
I want to go for a walk, not a long walk. I guess I could. I can take the cell phone and if anything comes up then someone can call me. But still, it's Sunday, I don't know where Tom is, but he's somewhere. Maybe even here. I probably would be gone for a couple of hours. But you know, maybe that would be a good thing. It would be good for me, but I don't know how the ``building'' would take it. I don't think I would want to do both Saturday and Sunday. Still, I guess I just want to get out. But I also want to sleep. But if I'm out walking, maybe taking some pictures, then that would mean I'm not thinking about sleep or food. Oh, I'm not sure I want to keep this job. It's been a real challange for me. That is a good thing. Just the idea of working where I live is starting to really grate on me.
I just added another blog to the ones that I follow. I can maybe expand my profile a bit. I'm not sure. I'm getting better at finding things to say.
Jessica
I just added another blog to the ones that I follow. I can maybe expand my profile a bit. I'm not sure. I'm getting better at finding things to say.
Jessica
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Sleeping, eating, answering the phone...
I got up a little early today, about 09:00 or so. That's pretty good for when I don't have a whole lot to do in the day. My parents were coming at 10:00, so that gave me an hour to get ready, eat, take my meds, that kind of thing. Which turned out to be plenty of time. I decided that I needed to eat. Hey that's a good thing. So I made another bowl of miso soup with spelt soba. Ate that, still haven't figured out what the secret ingredient is. Oh, I think I just did, I haven't been putting any dulse in it lately. Dulse is so yummy. Most seaweeds are.
I then had time to take my meds, and do a bit of reading of the newspaper. There are some really good pictures of the flood that are in the paper, I'll post them once I figure out how I'm going to get them in my computer. Then as I was taking my meds my mum called (first time I had to answer the phone). I changed my answering machine message, for a more temporary message, which I'm not sure I'm going to change back, and did a bit of dithering around my appartment, then went to the co-op to meet my parents. I got there a bit earlier than they did. I was picking up some apples when someone says they just saw them, and then about 2 minutes later they show up in the store.
I got some good food. And for some reason my keyboard is having trouble with the double o. Maybe it's how I'm typing. Anyway got some cucumbers, apples, chocolate soy milk, a bay plant, some black eyed peas, some saurkraut, some pickles, some goat yoghurt, three types of cheese romano peccarino, sheep brie, goat gouda, some tempeh, some black eyed peas, some miso. I think that's about it. I stayed away from the potato chips and I'm so glad I did, I would have eaten them already. And I would have been beating myself up about eating them, which would make me want to eat another bag of them. That wouldn't be ``working'' for me. And well I've decided that I'm only going to get one type of chips, which is only available in one store that I know of in town. So, that makes it easier to avoid the whole chip binge thing.
I still have chocolate in my house. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not. I love it, but I usually can ration it quite nicely. And that's the thing. If it's not causing unhealthy eating patterns then it's not something that I need to be avoiding. And the chocolate isn't. Still, I don't respond well to sugar, and most chocolate is loaded with the stuff.
I just want to bitch and complain about my job a bit. I had a really nasty incident that happened here, I won't go any further into it, it was just ugly. Was kind of pissed about the fact that I can no-longer ignore these kinds of things. But then, I think I did the right thing. But what really pissed me off about my job was having people ask me to call my boss/co-worker (because she has the authority) because we had a thunderstorm. We had a hell of one on the 13th, but that was very unusual. So another thunder storm comes through. I'm told there is a flood warning. I check two diffrent sites that the flood warning should be on, and nope, no flood warning. They want me to do something. They want me to call the building manager. And if I can't get a hold of her, I probably should call someone else who has authority over her. I call my co-worker who is only one tiny step above me because he's suposed to be working 6 days a week, and me 1. This was one of his days.
They wouldn't listen to reason. The flood the rain lasted for about 10 minutes, and came quickly. Yesterday? Well the water was just barely running down the road. But no, a flood is coming, despite the fact that there is no flood warning for this area (there is one that passed about 1,000 km away and we wouldn't be in the storm path of a storm passing through there). They won't listen, they won't take action on their own volition. I'm acting based on the information I have, I'm telling them what I have for information, and that I'm acting based on that. But they'd rather be safe then sorry. But then these are the people that want a social worker on site 24/7, and to have the bathroom doors locked and that you have to request the key from the staff person who is here 24/7. We don't even have enough money to pay to have propper janatorial stuff done. The night managers get paid minimum wage for 5 hours a shift 7 shifts a week, and we're on call 24/7 and don't get any pay if we respond to an emergency outside of our shift time.
There are things I like about my job. Right now I'm working two shifts a week. That means an extra $80/week in money, that's really appreciated. I get to walk through the building twice a shift minimum. That's really nice to know what's going on. People like it when I take a firm stand about some infraction of the building policies. They just expect me to respond to every situation in the same way. Even if they are acting out of a paranoid delusion.
Another good thing, Jessica gave a friend of hers my number, because she was looking for a place to move into. Unfortunately the space won't work for her, it's too difficult to control her envirionment with how this place is setup. She sounded like a great person to have move into the building. Still, it's hard. We're looking for some good people to move in, but it's not a great place to live. Still if anyone knows of anyone who is looking for a place in Nelson either give me their number or give them my number. I'm probably the person most likely to know, who can respond quickly. My answering machine gets checked several times a day if I'm in Nelson, which is more than 90% of the time.
What else? Oh, back to today. OK, after finishing up at the co-op we went to the saturday farmer's market. It was really good. Lots of neat stuff. I got a rosmary plant there, and I'd picked up a basil plant from the co-op. So I have some herbs until I manage to kill them. Hopefully the basil will survive the summer, and the rosmary several years. That might be wishfull thinking. I'm hoping not though.
We then went out for lunch to a sushi place, the KC restaurant. We ordered a bowl of ??? oh damn can't remember what it is, veggies and rice noodles in a rice vinegar sauce, a sashimi assortment, a salmon sushi and a cucumber sushi (6 pieces of each) and decided not to order more. I'd probably order roughly the same for myself if I was out, but the three of us, it was about right. So maybe some friends can get together with me and we can go for sushi some time.
Then I came home, broght in my groceries, and saw my parents off. Had a good time, but I need to start cleaning up some of the mess that is my appartment right now, and then they'll come and help a bit with some of the other stuff. The stuff I just don't get around to doing even when I do clean my appartment.
Then I slept, got a call from Margo, talked with her a bit. Talked with Christine a bit also. That was before the cravings got to a point that I had to eat something. Hm, thinking getting a little something in me before bed would be a good idea. Maybe an apple. Well, I guess that's it. I talked to Margo a few times tonight. Haven't really talked a lot lately, but she called last night while I was out, so I wanted to call her this morning and did. Well. More on my life tomorrow.
Jessica
I then had time to take my meds, and do a bit of reading of the newspaper. There are some really good pictures of the flood that are in the paper, I'll post them once I figure out how I'm going to get them in my computer. Then as I was taking my meds my mum called (first time I had to answer the phone). I changed my answering machine message, for a more temporary message, which I'm not sure I'm going to change back, and did a bit of dithering around my appartment, then went to the co-op to meet my parents. I got there a bit earlier than they did. I was picking up some apples when someone says they just saw them, and then about 2 minutes later they show up in the store.
I got some good food. And for some reason my keyboard is having trouble with the double o. Maybe it's how I'm typing. Anyway got some cucumbers, apples, chocolate soy milk, a bay plant, some black eyed peas, some saurkraut, some pickles, some goat yoghurt, three types of cheese romano peccarino, sheep brie, goat gouda, some tempeh, some black eyed peas, some miso. I think that's about it. I stayed away from the potato chips and I'm so glad I did, I would have eaten them already. And I would have been beating myself up about eating them, which would make me want to eat another bag of them. That wouldn't be ``working'' for me. And well I've decided that I'm only going to get one type of chips, which is only available in one store that I know of in town. So, that makes it easier to avoid the whole chip binge thing.
I still have chocolate in my house. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not. I love it, but I usually can ration it quite nicely. And that's the thing. If it's not causing unhealthy eating patterns then it's not something that I need to be avoiding. And the chocolate isn't. Still, I don't respond well to sugar, and most chocolate is loaded with the stuff.
I just want to bitch and complain about my job a bit. I had a really nasty incident that happened here, I won't go any further into it, it was just ugly. Was kind of pissed about the fact that I can no-longer ignore these kinds of things. But then, I think I did the right thing. But what really pissed me off about my job was having people ask me to call my boss/co-worker (because she has the authority) because we had a thunderstorm. We had a hell of one on the 13th, but that was very unusual. So another thunder storm comes through. I'm told there is a flood warning. I check two diffrent sites that the flood warning should be on, and nope, no flood warning. They want me to do something. They want me to call the building manager. And if I can't get a hold of her, I probably should call someone else who has authority over her. I call my co-worker who is only one tiny step above me because he's suposed to be working 6 days a week, and me 1. This was one of his days.
They wouldn't listen to reason. The flood the rain lasted for about 10 minutes, and came quickly. Yesterday? Well the water was just barely running down the road. But no, a flood is coming, despite the fact that there is no flood warning for this area (there is one that passed about 1,000 km away and we wouldn't be in the storm path of a storm passing through there). They won't listen, they won't take action on their own volition. I'm acting based on the information I have, I'm telling them what I have for information, and that I'm acting based on that. But they'd rather be safe then sorry. But then these are the people that want a social worker on site 24/7, and to have the bathroom doors locked and that you have to request the key from the staff person who is here 24/7. We don't even have enough money to pay to have propper janatorial stuff done. The night managers get paid minimum wage for 5 hours a shift 7 shifts a week, and we're on call 24/7 and don't get any pay if we respond to an emergency outside of our shift time.
There are things I like about my job. Right now I'm working two shifts a week. That means an extra $80/week in money, that's really appreciated. I get to walk through the building twice a shift minimum. That's really nice to know what's going on. People like it when I take a firm stand about some infraction of the building policies. They just expect me to respond to every situation in the same way. Even if they are acting out of a paranoid delusion.
Another good thing, Jessica gave a friend of hers my number, because she was looking for a place to move into. Unfortunately the space won't work for her, it's too difficult to control her envirionment with how this place is setup. She sounded like a great person to have move into the building. Still, it's hard. We're looking for some good people to move in, but it's not a great place to live. Still if anyone knows of anyone who is looking for a place in Nelson either give me their number or give them my number. I'm probably the person most likely to know, who can respond quickly. My answering machine gets checked several times a day if I'm in Nelson, which is more than 90% of the time.
What else? Oh, back to today. OK, after finishing up at the co-op we went to the saturday farmer's market. It was really good. Lots of neat stuff. I got a rosmary plant there, and I'd picked up a basil plant from the co-op. So I have some herbs until I manage to kill them. Hopefully the basil will survive the summer, and the rosmary several years. That might be wishfull thinking. I'm hoping not though.
We then went out for lunch to a sushi place, the KC restaurant. We ordered a bowl of ??? oh damn can't remember what it is, veggies and rice noodles in a rice vinegar sauce, a sashimi assortment, a salmon sushi and a cucumber sushi (6 pieces of each) and decided not to order more. I'd probably order roughly the same for myself if I was out, but the three of us, it was about right. So maybe some friends can get together with me and we can go for sushi some time.
Then I came home, broght in my groceries, and saw my parents off. Had a good time, but I need to start cleaning up some of the mess that is my appartment right now, and then they'll come and help a bit with some of the other stuff. The stuff I just don't get around to doing even when I do clean my appartment.
Then I slept, got a call from Margo, talked with her a bit. Talked with Christine a bit also. That was before the cravings got to a point that I had to eat something. Hm, thinking getting a little something in me before bed would be a good idea. Maybe an apple. Well, I guess that's it. I talked to Margo a few times tonight. Haven't really talked a lot lately, but she called last night while I was out, so I wanted to call her this morning and did. Well. More on my life tomorrow.
Jessica
More food stuff...
Lets be honest. I had two binges today. Not big ones, but really compulsive overeating. Not mindful eating. One right after my psych exam. That was started by trying to get good food into me so I wasn't really wasted, but it continued into a little binge, and got me really thinking about sweet stuff, and how I really can't stand it, but I crave it, and eat it regularly. It doesn't work well with me. Some things like fruit, some dried fruit, that kind of thing do work. But refined sugar is right out. Even cane juice is questionable. Still, I'll grab some sugar any time. It's easily available. It's quick energy. But it makes me feel crappy, and makes me want to eat more of it. So I'm a sugar craver...
But lets think about my second binge. Potatoe chips. Salt, but maybe more importantly high fat. I don't really know what it is that I'm craving, if it's the salt, or the fat. They tend to go together. But so do sugar and fat. I know I crave fat. I'll eat large chunks of the stuff. I fry most of my foods, and when I do, I tend to use a lot of oil. I love my butter. I really go after high fat foods. But I also go after salt. Add it when it's not nescesary. It doesn't taste right if there isn't enough salt. But I respond well to moderate amounts of salt. But really salty food throws me off to. Even if it's not high fat. Cheeses, things like that. So salt, fat, sugar. I guess all the triggers I'm triggered by.
What doesn't trigger me? Oh um, not really sure. Meat triggers me. Fruits and vegetables tend not to if they're not combined with the fat, salt or sugar thing. Some fruits are too sweet. That's OK. What else? Veggie protien sources don't trigger me, again as long as there isn't too much fat, or salt (rarely is there too much sugar, but some times). But sometimes I feel really spacy if I'm eating vegetarian. Maybe it's because it's harder to get different nutrients. I really don't know.
Startches are another trigger for me. They aren't as bad as the fats and sugars, but they can be really difficult for me. Maybe fish is OK. I haven't really considered fish in a while. Canned fish tends to be laden with salt, and that triggers me as well.
Maybe I'll leave that there for now. I'll probably post tomorrow again.
Jessica
But lets think about my second binge. Potatoe chips. Salt, but maybe more importantly high fat. I don't really know what it is that I'm craving, if it's the salt, or the fat. They tend to go together. But so do sugar and fat. I know I crave fat. I'll eat large chunks of the stuff. I fry most of my foods, and when I do, I tend to use a lot of oil. I love my butter. I really go after high fat foods. But I also go after salt. Add it when it's not nescesary. It doesn't taste right if there isn't enough salt. But I respond well to moderate amounts of salt. But really salty food throws me off to. Even if it's not high fat. Cheeses, things like that. So salt, fat, sugar. I guess all the triggers I'm triggered by.
What doesn't trigger me? Oh um, not really sure. Meat triggers me. Fruits and vegetables tend not to if they're not combined with the fat, salt or sugar thing. Some fruits are too sweet. That's OK. What else? Veggie protien sources don't trigger me, again as long as there isn't too much fat, or salt (rarely is there too much sugar, but some times). But sometimes I feel really spacy if I'm eating vegetarian. Maybe it's because it's harder to get different nutrients. I really don't know.
Startches are another trigger for me. They aren't as bad as the fats and sugars, but they can be really difficult for me. Maybe fish is OK. I haven't really considered fish in a while. Canned fish tends to be laden with salt, and that triggers me as well.
Maybe I'll leave that there for now. I'll probably post tomorrow again.
Jessica
Friday, June 16, 2006
Psych Exam...
Well the psych exam went fairly well. I got 140/160, or 87.5%. At least that's what I think I got. I know that I got something in that ball park. So, I can't get more than 92% or somewhere in that ball park. That's a lot better than I usually do with this kind of thing. So I should be happy, and I guess I am, but I'm kind of mellow right now.
Not sure, I have a bag of chips on the floor over there ^> and I've really been feeling like just eating that whole bag of chips in one sitting. Still I'm a bit split over this. Why can't I? Because it's emotional eating, and it gets into a cycle. But I won't do it again, I promise. Well I've heard that many many times before. Jessica has helped a bit in dealing with this. That's been good. I'm thinking that maybe I need more help though. So between the end of that sentence, and the begining of this sentence, I called the local Overeater's Annonymous contact. I'm going to try to connect with them at the next meeting. See if that is something that is useful for me.
My controlling of my eating seems to be out of control. I'm not really sure what's OK, and what's not OK. I'm tending towards restricting right now, more so than consuming. I have this nasty habit of black and white, and this is just not an issue that can be looked at in those ways. This is going to be a really hard issue to deal with.
Just going to leave that there. More fear and loathing in my building. Some people were thinking that we'd have another flood. Maybe I'm strange, but I'd rather underreact than over react. I don't really know. Well off to do something else. I may start watching some movies now that I'm out of school for a little while.
Jessica
Not sure, I have a bag of chips on the floor over there ^> and I've really been feeling like just eating that whole bag of chips in one sitting. Still I'm a bit split over this. Why can't I? Because it's emotional eating, and it gets into a cycle. But I won't do it again, I promise. Well I've heard that many many times before. Jessica has helped a bit in dealing with this. That's been good. I'm thinking that maybe I need more help though. So between the end of that sentence, and the begining of this sentence, I called the local Overeater's Annonymous contact. I'm going to try to connect with them at the next meeting. See if that is something that is useful for me.
My controlling of my eating seems to be out of control. I'm not really sure what's OK, and what's not OK. I'm tending towards restricting right now, more so than consuming. I have this nasty habit of black and white, and this is just not an issue that can be looked at in those ways. This is going to be a really hard issue to deal with.
Just going to leave that there. More fear and loathing in my building. Some people were thinking that we'd have another flood. Maybe I'm strange, but I'd rather underreact than over react. I don't really know. Well off to do something else. I may start watching some movies now that I'm out of school for a little while.
Jessica
How dare they have a romantic partner?
This is a thought that goes through my head an aweful lot. I feel like certain people are not as good as me, and if I can't have a romantic partner, neither should they. Then the thought goes through my head that if they have a romantic partner, they must be better than me. Yet I really think, I just want someone in my life who could be a life partner. It doesn't have to be romantic, or anything like that. I just want to have that person who I can share my life with. But as you can see from earlier posts, it's hard for me to even maintain friendships. It seems really hard to understand my life at times, and I'm the one living it.
I'm sitting here waiting to go to my psychology exam. It seems like I just want to get the last bit of psychology over with. Unless I do worse than I could possibly consider doing, I think that my mark should be in the 80-95 range for the course. The worst it can be is something around 55+% and that's if I get zero on the exam, and zero on the term paper. That's not going to happen. I've got my 60% in the bag. 80% is pretty likely, I'm thinking probably fairly close to about 85-93% is where I'm going to be sitting. That sounds good to me. So we'll see. I may make it to the 95%+ mark, but I doubt it. That would be quite the stretch at this point, but doable if I do really well on this exam and term paper. I'd have to get about 98% on both I think in order to break 95%, but it's doable, but not really very likely at all.
Well, I may post later. I don't really know. I'll see how I do on the exam, then I can sit back and relax, and take on some of the more stressfull things that I've been avoiding because I didn't want to be worrying about them while writing my exam. I'm pretty relaxed, which is really good. Maybe not quite relaxed enough, but close enough to not really care all that much about changing things.
Well I guess I can go off and check out if the exam room is ready. If so, I might just sit down and relax there for 20+ minutes while waiting for the exam.
Jessica
I'm sitting here waiting to go to my psychology exam. It seems like I just want to get the last bit of psychology over with. Unless I do worse than I could possibly consider doing, I think that my mark should be in the 80-95 range for the course. The worst it can be is something around 55+% and that's if I get zero on the exam, and zero on the term paper. That's not going to happen. I've got my 60% in the bag. 80% is pretty likely, I'm thinking probably fairly close to about 85-93% is where I'm going to be sitting. That sounds good to me. So we'll see. I may make it to the 95%+ mark, but I doubt it. That would be quite the stretch at this point, but doable if I do really well on this exam and term paper. I'd have to get about 98% on both I think in order to break 95%, but it's doable, but not really very likely at all.
Well, I may post later. I don't really know. I'll see how I do on the exam, then I can sit back and relax, and take on some of the more stressfull things that I've been avoiding because I didn't want to be worrying about them while writing my exam. I'm pretty relaxed, which is really good. Maybe not quite relaxed enough, but close enough to not really care all that much about changing things.
Well I guess I can go off and check out if the exam room is ready. If so, I might just sit down and relax there for 20+ minutes while waiting for the exam.
Jessica
Sleeping, normal stuff, eating, and homework
OK, so it's not a great title. I just wanted to put some stuff in here for today. I don't really know why. It seems like I really have a lot to say. Maybe saying some of the stuff publicly will help me. Which brings up something that I want to comment on. I was looking at Jessica's blog last night. I was really impressed, then I got thinking, ``How come she has all these friends, and I don't seem to have any''. Then I started wondering if she put anywhere near as much effort into friendships as I do, and then I realised that simply wasn't possible. I have no friends that make time for me, or just want me to make time for them, yet I work so hard on those relationships. Maybe I'm working too hard. Then I got talking to Robin who I really am not sure what our relationship is, beyond the proffessional one I have. Is she a friend? Is she more than an aquaintance? I think I can say safely that relationship wise that is true. But would I call her a friend? I really don't know. Maybe I have too high standards for who my friends are. Maybe not. To me a friend is someone who returns a significant amount of what I give them. I know that I can't expect people to put as much time and effort into their relationship with me, as I do with them. That would be like people who really have a hard time with school expecting me to put in the same amount of effort as they do on school work. I worked with a group last term that was really challanging, then I realised that one person was working on something for 3 hours that would have taken me 15 minutes to do. She did a great job, but probably no better a job than I would have done in 15 minutes. Maybe not even as good a job. But for that assignment we aced it, so I can't complain. Well I can. Like I complain about the 2.2 out of 2 that I keep getting in psychology (hopefully will be able to tell you what my final mark is by Monday or Tuesday). I can complain about just about anything.
Which gets me to a complaint. That was all flow of conciousness, and I should be happy that I'm expressing myself clearly, but no, I say ``must be paragraphed'', but I also say ``must keep the orriginal format''. So I'll stick with that. And stick with my black and white thinking, and that if I switch back and forth quickly enough I might just get a rainbow.
Stuff. Today. Well lets start with last night. Got to bed around 22:30 I think, got up around 11:30. That sounds like 13 hours of sleep, but I know I didn't sleep that whole time, but it sure felt like it, and it felt great. Except that I still had problems with getting up at that time. I had to go to the food cupboard for 12:00 so I had to get up at that time.
The food cupboard got flooded on Tuesday, and it was setup in a temporary location right at the entrance way of the church that it was in. Crowded little space, stressfull little space. I got through. I didn't blow up. I didn't even blow in. I just got stressed, got through it. It worked out fairly well.
As we were giving out food, someone brought in 3 big boxes of almost entirely mustard greens. And we won't be open on Monday as we'll be setting up for Wednesday on Monday, as we do have to get things together for that. Normally we'd be setting up on Thursday for Monday, and likewise through the week. But we can't get stuff into the old space until Monday at the earliest. So we won't be there giving out food until Wednesday. And I'm going into tiny details, probably confusing people. The thing is, we got these three boxes of mustard greens that we had to deal with today or throw in the compost. Then it came down to me to push them, and get people to get as much as they can handle. I didn't do a great job, we only got rid of a little over one box. The other two? Came to my building after we finished for the day. One to be distributed ``upstairs'' to the main tennents, one to go to Stepping Stones, the short term/transitional housing.
Then I went for a nice walk up to Silver King campus of Selkirk College. I was meeting Robin. We talked about a number of things, including the whole Esperanto thing, the eating thing, etcetera. Speaking of the eating thing, I managed to get a nutrition bar, and some sesame things into me before I got home. Then I saw I had a small chunk of brie in my fridge, and ate that, along with some crackers. Then I went to Silver King. Talking with Robin we talked about my whole ambigious type thing that is going on with me. My not wanting to define myself as either this, or that, but trying to be honest, and say what it is that is really going on. The whole binary system thing really bothers me, especially the whole binary gender system. Come on, the kid's only 9 days old, why can't you just accept the kid as a kid, and not have to impose a binary gender system on hir.
Again more stream of conciousness. The child/baby I'm refering to was one of the clients at the food cupboard today. Everyone wanted to know if this baby was a boy or a girl. I on the other hand was offended that they couldn't just accept the child as a child, and forget about the whole gender thing. This diffrence with me and ``the rest of the world'' I think is maybe too much for some people. Then I also got the sense that people are maybe over respecting my need for privacy. There's one person who lets herself into my life without needing an express invitation. She mostly respects my need for solitude. I think she tends to be pretty solitary herself at times.
So on with my non-linear reality. My brain doesn't work that way, so well if you want to read my thoughts, you'll have to realise that my reality isn't nescesarily linear. I came down, grabbed some mustard greens and did a bunch of stuff before starting them simmering in the pot on the stove. An hour and a half and they were done to perfection. I then got them out of the pot (leaving the liquid behind) and blended them to make a soup. I had some of that soup (with added worchestershire sauce, tobasco, and brags soy seasoning), then realised it needed a bit more modification so started adding a can of diced tomatoes a bit at a time while I was eating. The end result is in the fridge, along with 6 cups of the broth that was part of the intention of the whole process.
And that gets us to homework. I got my assignment in tonight. About 22:55 which was really nice, more than an hour before midnight. Almost exactly when I thought that I'd be done, when I was starting the whole thing. So, hey, I'm good with time management. At least in terms of estimating how long something will take, and being fairly accurate with it. I tend to over estimate time, or more over state how long I think it will take. I like to add a ``fudge factor'' of some amount when I'm telling people when I'll be there. I'd rather not be rushed.
That pretty much is my day, and I need to get some sleep. I have that lovely exam tomorrow. I hope it goes as well, or maybe even better than the previous exams. The last one I dropped a bit. No big deal. Still in the range I want to be. So that's good.
Jessica
Which gets me to a complaint. That was all flow of conciousness, and I should be happy that I'm expressing myself clearly, but no, I say ``must be paragraphed'', but I also say ``must keep the orriginal format''. So I'll stick with that. And stick with my black and white thinking, and that if I switch back and forth quickly enough I might just get a rainbow.
Stuff. Today. Well lets start with last night. Got to bed around 22:30 I think, got up around 11:30. That sounds like 13 hours of sleep, but I know I didn't sleep that whole time, but it sure felt like it, and it felt great. Except that I still had problems with getting up at that time. I had to go to the food cupboard for 12:00 so I had to get up at that time.
The food cupboard got flooded on Tuesday, and it was setup in a temporary location right at the entrance way of the church that it was in. Crowded little space, stressfull little space. I got through. I didn't blow up. I didn't even blow in. I just got stressed, got through it. It worked out fairly well.
As we were giving out food, someone brought in 3 big boxes of almost entirely mustard greens. And we won't be open on Monday as we'll be setting up for Wednesday on Monday, as we do have to get things together for that. Normally we'd be setting up on Thursday for Monday, and likewise through the week. But we can't get stuff into the old space until Monday at the earliest. So we won't be there giving out food until Wednesday. And I'm going into tiny details, probably confusing people. The thing is, we got these three boxes of mustard greens that we had to deal with today or throw in the compost. Then it came down to me to push them, and get people to get as much as they can handle. I didn't do a great job, we only got rid of a little over one box. The other two? Came to my building after we finished for the day. One to be distributed ``upstairs'' to the main tennents, one to go to Stepping Stones, the short term/transitional housing.
Then I went for a nice walk up to Silver King campus of Selkirk College. I was meeting Robin. We talked about a number of things, including the whole Esperanto thing, the eating thing, etcetera. Speaking of the eating thing, I managed to get a nutrition bar, and some sesame things into me before I got home. Then I saw I had a small chunk of brie in my fridge, and ate that, along with some crackers. Then I went to Silver King. Talking with Robin we talked about my whole ambigious type thing that is going on with me. My not wanting to define myself as either this, or that, but trying to be honest, and say what it is that is really going on. The whole binary system thing really bothers me, especially the whole binary gender system. Come on, the kid's only 9 days old, why can't you just accept the kid as a kid, and not have to impose a binary gender system on hir.
Again more stream of conciousness. The child/baby I'm refering to was one of the clients at the food cupboard today. Everyone wanted to know if this baby was a boy or a girl. I on the other hand was offended that they couldn't just accept the child as a child, and forget about the whole gender thing. This diffrence with me and ``the rest of the world'' I think is maybe too much for some people. Then I also got the sense that people are maybe over respecting my need for privacy. There's one person who lets herself into my life without needing an express invitation. She mostly respects my need for solitude. I think she tends to be pretty solitary herself at times.
So on with my non-linear reality. My brain doesn't work that way, so well if you want to read my thoughts, you'll have to realise that my reality isn't nescesarily linear. I came down, grabbed some mustard greens and did a bunch of stuff before starting them simmering in the pot on the stove. An hour and a half and they were done to perfection. I then got them out of the pot (leaving the liquid behind) and blended them to make a soup. I had some of that soup (with added worchestershire sauce, tobasco, and brags soy seasoning), then realised it needed a bit more modification so started adding a can of diced tomatoes a bit at a time while I was eating. The end result is in the fridge, along with 6 cups of the broth that was part of the intention of the whole process.
And that gets us to homework. I got my assignment in tonight. About 22:55 which was really nice, more than an hour before midnight. Almost exactly when I thought that I'd be done, when I was starting the whole thing. So, hey, I'm good with time management. At least in terms of estimating how long something will take, and being fairly accurate with it. I tend to over estimate time, or more over state how long I think it will take. I like to add a ``fudge factor'' of some amount when I'm telling people when I'll be there. I'd rather not be rushed.
That pretty much is my day, and I need to get some sleep. I have that lovely exam tomorrow. I hope it goes as well, or maybe even better than the previous exams. The last one I dropped a bit. No big deal. Still in the range I want to be. So that's good.
Jessica
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
My last little while
I haven't posted anything publicly in a long time. This will go to my livejoural and my blogspot blogs, then I leave it up to you to follow whichever blog you wish. If you want to catch all my postings, then I suggest you go to both. But probably one will be more active. I'm following my friend's blog here http://my-pretty.blogspot.com/ which is why I created this http://jessica-koala.blogspot.com/ blog. I've had the livejournal http://jrasku.livejournal.com account for some time. I don't have a lot of posts there. And I don't have a spiffy camera to put pictures in my posts.
Yesterday I had a pretty major binge. Today I ate hardly anything compared to normal. I had a normal dinner for myself, which was really nice to be able to do this. I also realised (before I started eating) that it's probably harder to binge if you're eating with chopsticks. I know not impossible. But that's OK.
Yesterday I had a big early dinner, two large sandwiches, which was more than enough. Kind of a binge in itself. Sometime yesterday I ate a bag of chips. Not sure when. After dinner, I went up to my loft and read for a bit, finished the reading I had to do, which was good. Then decided I was still hungry, and didn't like any of the options in the house. I went to the Kootenay Co-op http://kootenay.coop/ bought about 60 dollars worth of food including three bags of chips, some pasta, some pasta sauce, and some brie. The chips lasted until this evening. I made a large pot of pasta with the pasta sauce yesterday. I was still craving food big time at this point. I was also aware that I'd already eaten too much. I ate the pasta, still was craving food, but I could not eat a waffer thin mint more. I then decided that to relieve the presure in my stomach, I would throw up. Luckily, my body is out of the habit of throwing up, so in the two attempts to throw up, it was only a small amount of food.
I decided that night that I really need to do something about what is going on with my disordered eating. I know it's not ``the problem'' any more than my cutting, drinking, smoking, overdosing, or whatever else I was doing was ``the problem'', but I also realised that I needed to address that. All the other things I could ``quit''. I can't quit eating. So when I finially got to bed about 04:00 I decided that I wanted to call my doctor's office to see when I could get in. So I set my alarm.
This morning I really didn't feel like eating. I called my doctor's office, got an appointment for 11:00. This is a good thing. I to my doctor's office, and felt really anxious. I'd been really anxious through the whole binge purge thing, but this had more of a flavour, more of a focus. I was admitting that things are too bad, and that I can't deal with them on my own. I talked to my doctor, she said she'd fax over a referal to mental health, agreed that I need help with this.
After my appointment with my doctor, I did a bit of grazing throughout the afternoon (no flooding today, yesterday coming back from my doctor's office the flooding was pretty intense (check out my-pretty.blogspot.com)), didn't really eat much at all. I then went to lie down for about a half hour, as usual it turned out to be more like 40-45 minutes, before I was going to go to the chinese medicine school student clinic to get a treatment. I told the student practitioner about the bingeing, and that I really hadn't eaten much today. He gave me some ideas. He suggested that grazing may be a good idea. So, I kind of felt like that was something I'd figured out on my own. He did some accupuncture and some moxa. It was pretty intense, after I got up from the treatment I was kind of shaky. Sat down, had some water, rested a bit. Was still feeling a bit shakey, just wanted to take things slowly. Then I went to make an appointment with him for next week. Well, that didn't happen because he's booked up for next week already, and that may be his last week doing that.
Then I came home. Opened a bag of chips. Had a few handfulls. More than I really needed, a lot less than I usually have. And started making a propper dinner of pasta and pasta sauce. This time a little smaller. More manageable size. And I was hungry already, really needing food. I gave myself permission to stop if I felt the slightest bit full. I ate the whole bowl. Again, more than I needed, more or less typicial dinner for me.
I'd say that food wise today was quite a success. Being more mindful of what I'm eating is really important. That's what got me through the day. Eating a little more than the low end of what I wanted to eat (ie. nothing), but staying well away from the high end (total bingeing). And not acting on the emotional stuff saying that I should either binge, or starve myself. I think I did well.
Now, I'm going to bed. I may post more tomorrow.
Jessica
Yesterday I had a pretty major binge. Today I ate hardly anything compared to normal. I had a normal dinner for myself, which was really nice to be able to do this. I also realised (before I started eating) that it's probably harder to binge if you're eating with chopsticks. I know not impossible. But that's OK.
Yesterday I had a big early dinner, two large sandwiches, which was more than enough. Kind of a binge in itself. Sometime yesterday I ate a bag of chips. Not sure when. After dinner, I went up to my loft and read for a bit, finished the reading I had to do, which was good. Then decided I was still hungry, and didn't like any of the options in the house. I went to the Kootenay Co-op http://kootenay.coop/ bought about 60 dollars worth of food including three bags of chips, some pasta, some pasta sauce, and some brie. The chips lasted until this evening. I made a large pot of pasta with the pasta sauce yesterday. I was still craving food big time at this point. I was also aware that I'd already eaten too much. I ate the pasta, still was craving food, but I could not eat a waffer thin mint more. I then decided that to relieve the presure in my stomach, I would throw up. Luckily, my body is out of the habit of throwing up, so in the two attempts to throw up, it was only a small amount of food.
I decided that night that I really need to do something about what is going on with my disordered eating. I know it's not ``the problem'' any more than my cutting, drinking, smoking, overdosing, or whatever else I was doing was ``the problem'', but I also realised that I needed to address that. All the other things I could ``quit''. I can't quit eating. So when I finially got to bed about 04:00 I decided that I wanted to call my doctor's office to see when I could get in. So I set my alarm.
This morning I really didn't feel like eating. I called my doctor's office, got an appointment for 11:00. This is a good thing. I to my doctor's office, and felt really anxious. I'd been really anxious through the whole binge purge thing, but this had more of a flavour, more of a focus. I was admitting that things are too bad, and that I can't deal with them on my own. I talked to my doctor, she said she'd fax over a referal to mental health, agreed that I need help with this.
After my appointment with my doctor, I did a bit of grazing throughout the afternoon (no flooding today, yesterday coming back from my doctor's office the flooding was pretty intense (check out my-pretty.blogspot.com)), didn't really eat much at all. I then went to lie down for about a half hour, as usual it turned out to be more like 40-45 minutes, before I was going to go to the chinese medicine school student clinic to get a treatment. I told the student practitioner about the bingeing, and that I really hadn't eaten much today. He gave me some ideas. He suggested that grazing may be a good idea. So, I kind of felt like that was something I'd figured out on my own. He did some accupuncture and some moxa. It was pretty intense, after I got up from the treatment I was kind of shaky. Sat down, had some water, rested a bit. Was still feeling a bit shakey, just wanted to take things slowly. Then I went to make an appointment with him for next week. Well, that didn't happen because he's booked up for next week already, and that may be his last week doing that.
Then I came home. Opened a bag of chips. Had a few handfulls. More than I really needed, a lot less than I usually have. And started making a propper dinner of pasta and pasta sauce. This time a little smaller. More manageable size. And I was hungry already, really needing food. I gave myself permission to stop if I felt the slightest bit full. I ate the whole bowl. Again, more than I needed, more or less typicial dinner for me.
I'd say that food wise today was quite a success. Being more mindful of what I'm eating is really important. That's what got me through the day. Eating a little more than the low end of what I wanted to eat (ie. nothing), but staying well away from the high end (total bingeing). And not acting on the emotional stuff saying that I should either binge, or starve myself. I think I did well.
Now, I'm going to bed. I may post more tomorrow.
Jessica
First blogspot post...
This is the first post on blogspot/blogger. I was hoping that I could post simaltaniously on my server, and on here, but this does not seem to be possible. I will just leave this at this, and see how it looks, then post something more in a bit.
Jessica
Jessica
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