My last little while

I haven't posted anything publicly in a long time. This will go to my livejoural and my blogspot blogs, then I leave it up to you to follow whichever blog you wish. If you want to catch all my postings, then I suggest you go to both. But probably one will be more active. I'm following my friend's blog here http://my-pretty.blogspot.com/ which is why I created this http://jessica-koala.blogspot.com/ blog. I've had the livejournal http://jrasku.livejournal.com account for some time. I don't have a lot of posts there. And I don't have a spiffy camera to put pictures in my posts.

Yesterday I had a pretty major binge. Today I ate hardly anything compared to normal. I had a normal dinner for myself, which was really nice to be able to do this. I also realised (before I started eating) that it's probably harder to binge if you're eating with chopsticks. I know not impossible. But that's OK.

Yesterday I had a big early dinner, two large sandwiches, which was more than enough. Kind of a binge in itself. Sometime yesterday I ate a bag of chips. Not sure when. After dinner, I went up to my loft and read for a bit, finished the reading I had to do, which was good. Then decided I was still hungry, and didn't like any of the options in the house. I went to the Kootenay Co-op http://kootenay.coop/ bought about 60 dollars worth of food including three bags of chips, some pasta, some pasta sauce, and some brie. The chips lasted until this evening. I made a large pot of pasta with the pasta sauce yesterday. I was still craving food big time at this point. I was also aware that I'd already eaten too much. I ate the pasta, still was craving food, but I could not eat a waffer thin mint more. I then decided that to relieve the presure in my stomach, I would throw up. Luckily, my body is out of the habit of throwing up, so in the two attempts to throw up, it was only a small amount of food.

I decided that night that I really need to do something about what is going on with my disordered eating. I know it's not ``the problem'' any more than my cutting, drinking, smoking, overdosing, or whatever else I was doing was ``the problem'', but I also realised that I needed to address that. All the other things I could ``quit''. I can't quit eating. So when I finially got to bed about 04:00 I decided that I wanted to call my doctor's office to see when I could get in. So I set my alarm.

This morning I really didn't feel like eating. I called my doctor's office, got an appointment for 11:00. This is a good thing. I to my doctor's office, and felt really anxious. I'd been really anxious through the whole binge purge thing, but this had more of a flavour, more of a focus. I was admitting that things are too bad, and that I can't deal with them on my own. I talked to my doctor, she said she'd fax over a referal to mental health, agreed that I need help with this.

After my appointment with my doctor, I did a bit of grazing throughout the afternoon (no flooding today, yesterday coming back from my doctor's office the flooding was pretty intense (check out my-pretty.blogspot.com)), didn't really eat much at all. I then went to lie down for about a half hour, as usual it turned out to be more like 40-45 minutes, before I was going to go to the chinese medicine school student clinic to get a treatment. I told the student practitioner about the bingeing, and that I really hadn't eaten much today. He gave me some ideas. He suggested that grazing may be a good idea. So, I kind of felt like that was something I'd figured out on my own. He did some accupuncture and some moxa. It was pretty intense, after I got up from the treatment I was kind of shaky. Sat down, had some water, rested a bit. Was still feeling a bit shakey, just wanted to take things slowly. Then I went to make an appointment with him for next week. Well, that didn't happen because he's booked up for next week already, and that may be his last week doing that.

Then I came home. Opened a bag of chips. Had a few handfulls. More than I really needed, a lot less than I usually have. And started making a propper dinner of pasta and pasta sauce. This time a little smaller. More manageable size. And I was hungry already, really needing food. I gave myself permission to stop if I felt the slightest bit full. I ate the whole bowl. Again, more than I needed, more or less typicial dinner for me.

I'd say that food wise today was quite a success. Being more mindful of what I'm eating is really important. That's what got me through the day. Eating a little more than the low end of what I wanted to eat (ie. nothing), but staying well away from the high end (total bingeing). And not acting on the emotional stuff saying that I should either binge, or starve myself. I think I did well.

Now, I'm going to bed. I may post more tomorrow.

Jessica